How do you deal with it...step-parenting and not being number one?

Question

I have been with my bf for about a year now and i interact with his two daughters, aged 9 and 5, like a step parent would (i assume). In a nutshell, life is like this: My bf has two worlds. One is of him with his kids. The other is of him with me. The world with his kids is bigger and more important than the world with me and i fear that the two worlds will never be intertwined the way that i'd hoped they would be. When his kids are around, it's like i'm a third wheel that doesn't really matter and he says it's "because they are kids and they demand all of the attention." I know that i am the adult and i should just deal with it, but i don't know how. I want this relationship to work out. Any insight, from people who have been in this kind of a position or step-parents who are never number one, is much appreciated. How do you deal with never being number one? What makes it okay for you?

Thank-you to those who think i'm being totally immature and that the relationship won't work out. It proves that you are not actually reading my question and comprehending what i am saying and asking for. As for the step-parent thing, my bf talks about marriage with me, so it's a good possibility i'll be a step-mom in the future. I need to figure out how to deal with not being number one and being "jealous" of the time he spends with his kids. Its not immaturity on my part, it's a realization that i won't be number one and that i need to figure out how to deal with it. Don't be so judgemental. I'm admitting i have a problem and i'm looking for some help with it. You don't need to kick me when i'm down because i can't figure out how to deal with this by myself. For those of you with encouraging words, thank you

Answer 1

Get used to it or get out. His FIRST PRIORITY should be his children- NOT YOU.

Answer 2

I think that no matter if you had children of your own or if they were your children sometimes it feels like we as their wifes are second. We would make them feel like a second two with our kids.
I think it is a natural feeling to have sometimes- and i think if most would admit too it we all have been jealous of attention our mate has gave someone else rather a child or someone else.

Now as far as step parenting sometimes they only get them every other week so we need to take a step back becasue that really isnt very much time with your child and he should spend most of it with them. maybe he can include you in the activities one day so that if you do get married that the kids can start accepting you. Also then give him some time to just spend one on one with them. Also a lot of men or women that have weekend visits with their kids the ex is always telling them they wont let them see them if they have a partner near the kids , this may be some reasons but it may not be.

Be understanding to his feelings and his kids feelings and also let him know how you feel , make sure you let him know you think your being inmature about it but that it feels sometimes like your a third wheel, ask his opionion about it. But try not to give him a guilt trip because that will just make things worse.

I think as a step mom and a mom of my own, that we me and my husband are second to each other becasue our kids are number one. My step daughter lives with us now but she didnt before so like I said I understand how you feel but it is his kids. Most families that have children the parents get time together when the kiddies are all tucked in to bed. My husband does make it a effort though to try and spend 15 minutes with me before taking off out the door with the kids. I can love him more by knowing that he is spending his time with our children and being a good dad. That is how I deal with it. I know my kids have a great dad.
Hang in there and it will work out , dont push too hard or he will feel like you are wanting more than he can give.

Answer 3

I understand how you feel, being a step parent is not an easy thing, and it sounds like it could be easier on you.

Your boyfriend should try to make sure that everyone is a priority, just how a family should be. Find activities that all 4 of you can do together, and make sure that when he has his children that for the most part everything is done as a family. I understand that he wants to spend time with his children, and that is great, but he should try to make everyone happy and feel important.

Answer 4

I'm not sure how everyone else would deal with it, or if this is how you should deal with it. But, for me, there came a point where I realized that the only person who I needed to be 'number one' with was myself. And, I could best do that, could feel best about myself, about who I was, could feel proudest of how I was affecting the world around me, by seeing what I could do to make *everyone else* feel like they were number one.

I don't need others to take care of me, put me on a pedestal, treat me like a special princess, to love myself and to know that I am loved. My relationships with others aren't about where they place me in their hierarchy of things to do - they are about how we enjoy each other's company.

It takes a change in how you value yourself & your relationships. Relationships stop being about 'what can you do for me?' & start being about 'I really like spending time with you, whatever we're doing'.

What might help you to stop feeling like a 'third wheel', though, would be to jump in there & enjoy the children with him, when they're there. Otherwise, if you can't, you might want to treat the children like a hobby that he enjoys, but that you don't share an interest in yourself. Of course you wouldn't ask him to stop doing something he enjoyed just because you didn't, right? You would just go do your own thing when he was busy with it. Do the same with the kids, if you can't join in with him.

Answer 5

Even if the children were your own, you wouldnt be number one. Raising kids puts parents in the background. Everything in life becomes about raising the children. I admire him for being a stand up guy when it comes to his kids. They should be all that he sees.

On the flip side, you're not married to your children, you're married to your spouse. He needs to realize that for your relationship to last he has to trust you enough to let you be part of the "family". Exluding you from the group, the decisions, the one on one dynamic of family life hurts you, and the kids.

You need to sit down and talk with him. If its something that cannot be resolved then you need to move on. Its not going to be worth it to risk the healthy development of those children just to eek out any attention from him.

Answer 6

It's not okay. He isn't even loving you as much. Either prepare for a continual heartache or seek someone capable and ready of moving on from his past hurts and ready to love & trust again. He's using his kids as a kind of protection barrier. His guard is up. . possibly he had his guard up with his first wife maybe in the form of sports, college friends, work, etc.
Bottom line . . go with your gut instinct. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't. Listen to your inner voice. . . .

Answer 7

Nothing can make that OK!!!You need to explain to him that you want to be included, and be apart of his family, yes their kids, but you have feelings too. I too am a step mom of 2 boy's 9 and 15, I have been taking care of them for 3 yr's now, and their my life, just as much as my fiance's life... it is strange for the both of you because you need to learn how to come together, once you do it should be o.k.... until you get the well your not my momma speech>>>>LOL here is a group, i belong to lot's of step parents, and great advice..hope things get better for you!!! http://www.cafemom.com/group/290

Answer 8

well mystep dad really stepped up to the plate and is a great father. Your man needs to realize that your relationship comes first, even before kids. THe feelings in your relationship directly affect your kids.

Answer 9

first, he probably sees you more than his kids so of course he'd want to shower them with attention.. if you don't have kids of your own it's hard to explain... his kids are his life.. they are an extension of him... and he has a responsibility as a father to spend time with htem and be part of raising them. you should be happy that he's not some deadbeat dad...
it comes with time... hhang in there... a person can only do the beest they can do...

Answer 10

Just think about it, if you have a child together, he is going to make a great Dad cause he already is. You should be very proud of him there are a lot of guys who just forget about their kids.

Answer 11

you sound extremely immature and jealous of two small children.
you are right, this is not going to work out. he is their parent and they should ALWAYS come before you and if you can not see that it is to your detriment.
i don't think i need to mention that you are NOT a step parent. you are a girlfriend only and I'm sure your boyfriend sees you for what you are, a jealous, immature girl. he has no intentions of making you a step mother to these children.