FELLOW MUSLIMS: How can I learn to control my frustration?

Question

I'm a pretty strong person but being human, my human nature tends to get VERY frustrated. I wear the hijab and the abaya (whole covering). But it's not so dramatic I mean I look pretty decent not that I care to please anyone. But college is becoming a huge burden because people can't keep their comments and their stares to themselves. Sometimes I want to turn around and ask them if they dont have anything better to do.

People here talk about extremists being a threat to society etc... They don't notice the hell everyday normal Muslim folk have to go through. I know this is my test-- and I will never remove my hijab-- but what do I tell myself IN THE MOMENT. How do I control my frustration right after someone spits at me?

And for the Muslima's, can you please tell me your experience with hijab? So far, mines isn't that positive.

But hey, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

PLEASE STAR THIS I WANT A LOT OF MUSLIM SISTERS TO ANSWER THIS.

I don't see this "costume" thing being applied to men who wear turbans, to Jewish men, or to people ive seen from west Africa and other nations wearing cultural things. By the way, I used to wear jeans and regular shirts and stuff and only cover my hair. People did the same thing, and if you want me to give up my representation of Islam.. TOO BAD

Answer 1

as-salaam aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

sister, it is VERY hard to go through the pressures of having to obviously "look" like a Muslim.

I had the experience of working as a ticket counter agent for an airline in the USA. I was not Muslim when I started there but later on I reverted.

I started wearing hijab with the full support of most of my co-workers on October 16, 2002 (I was wearing hijab outside of work for some time already before this). Some started distancing themselves from me, but I was expecting more to not accept it so I was happy most did.

Most of the negative stuff was from passengers. It was mostly stares...more like glares from people while they were waiting in line. I got some nasty comments from people too though. Once a co-worker started going off on a passenger who was checking in at a counter next to him and I was wondering what was wrong. Turns out the passenger asked, "why would the airlines hire someone like her?"-meaning me. He said, "what do you mean?" and she replied "someone who would wear the hood" and that is when he started going off on her.

another time a passenger was checking in with a co-worker of mine and I passed her counter to go to my computer. After she checked the passenger in she came to me looking all shocked and she said, "when you passed by my counter the passenger asked if her plane was going to get hijacked today"

I also remember checking in a couple and the wife, under her breath, said, "Thats scary"-- I heard her and knew she was talking about me. If we weren't so busy that day I would have tried to have a chat with her about it.

I got other comments too once in a while, but it was more stares and glares I got from people standing in line waiting to check in. I have had people actually let people go ahead of them if they are next in line and I am the only open podium for check-in!!

****

now, sister, you have some positive experiences don't you? Do you have friends that support you in you wearing hijab? You have to hang on to those friends and positive experiences just to make you feel better and remind yourself that it is ignorant and racist people who are doing the bad stuff to you.

I am shocked you have gotten spitten on!! Is it at school? If so, you need to go straight to the authorities of the school, or the police and file harrassment charges against the person. In some places spitting is considered assault, although you will most likely need witnesses to bring an assault charge.

As for the staring... just look at them and smile. For some, it does work. For others it won't. I remember on the employee bus there was a TSA (they work security at the airport) employee who stared at me. So I just stared right back at him. He eventually looked away...but I was seriously staring at him for like 30 seconds (but it felt like 10 minutes!). Whenever I would see him he would stare at me. I became friends with some of the other TSA agents and one of them saw the guy doing it to me and reported him for harrassment to his management. He stopped staring after that.

things like the spitting is rare right? Its mostly stupid comments and staring right?

like I said, hold on to your friends and any positive experiences you get.... like here are some positive things that have happened to me:

a passenger asked me if he could compliment me so I told him yes.. and he told me, " You are obviously a Muslim and for you to be able to wear that (hijab) and work for an airlines at the airport in times like these is very wonderful and brave and you are handling it very well." :D

another time I was checking someone in and a man was standing right behind him instead of in line. when I looked up at him, he was a Jewish man (he wore the yarmulke) and said, "Salaam aleikum" :D


and some funny ones:

on Holloween one day a passenger looked at me and said, "why, aren't you a cute nun!" LOL

Once I got on the employee bus and sat down. By the 2nd to the last stop, the bus was full, with people standing.... except the seat next to me. I KNEW noone was sitting there cuz of me being Muslims... anyhow, a co-worker got on the bus at the last stop and sat next to me as she said really loud, "AWWW noone is sitting next to you because your Muslim!!!"
LOL

some of my co-worker at work started calling me "sister Mary" and one passenger heard them and he started calling me that too LOL (he was a regular flyer).

My sisters were embarrassed to go out with me sometimes because they would tell me that everyone was staring (by then I got so used to it I stopped noticing) but they eventually got used to it as well. The only funny thing is that people would always ask if we were sisters, or twins (if I was with one of them) or if we were triplets so they obviously knew what I would look like without hijab since my sisters and I do look alike and they are not Muslim so don't cover.

one day my niece was with me at a store and she said, "Aunty, why is everyone staring at you?" so I said in a loud voice, "Because I am beautiful!!"

****

then I later moved to Australia for a year and didn't really have many problems there... I did get stared at in some places, but most of the time people were very nice to me, Alhamdullillah.


Now I live in the Middle East where a looooot of men sure don't practice lowering their gaze. And I am talking about Muslim men. I get stared at like I've never experienced before. It is way more than when I was in the USA or Australia. And they are different stares... as if they are trying to undress me with their eyes, Astagferallah. So I started wearing niqab because it is SO uncomfortable. In the USA and Australia, the stares were either glares, or just curious..or pity... but her in the Middle East the staring is much worse.

Answer 2

Well I wear the hijab not the Abaya and Niqab yet as I don't have money to buy them but I notice whenever I go out with my husband people stare at me and grab their little kids and leave the aisle. I have noticed that people tend to make rude comments behind my back. I was called a terrorist last year at school just for being Muslim even though I wasn't wearing hijab. I've also been called an embarrassment to the USA. People tend to leave whenever my husband and I go anywhere and sometimes I wonder if being a Muslimah in America is even worth it since I get stared at all the time. This just causes me to be more shy then I am due to all the negativity around me. My husband tells me that all the women in the USA in the town we live in are just jealous because they have to show their bodies off to strange men and don't know what their purpose in life is.

Answer 3

I'm sorry to hear about your negative hijab experiences. Yes, you are a strong person (Masha’Allah) for upholding and sticking to your beliefs even at times of difficulty.

I’ve been very lucky with my hijab experiences. I live in a Muslim country where 80% of the female population do NOT observe hijab, but most of the people accept my decision to wear one and almost never bother me about it.

But I’ve had some problems as well although none compared with yours. A lot of people tend to think I’m illiterate, backwards, uneducated, un-modern, village-like etc. because I wear one. Some people (inclusive of male classmates) go as far as to greet my non-hijabi friends with salams, and COMPLETELY ignore me even when I’m standing right infront of them. They refuse to even look at me, as if I’m some kind on non-existent being and it makes me so angry.

About your problem, well... it’s more complicated and I’m not sure what kind of advice I can offer. Ask God for help... and yes it is a test of sorts. Be patient (I know it’s like the toughest thing in the world). But the spitting thing, now THAT’s REPULSIVE! You should probably tsk at them and tell that that you can’t believe the people like them can actually descend to such a low and disgusting level... Ask them whether they were playing hooky when their mums’ had been teaching them about respect. Anything that is curt and effective will do, just make sure you don't sound too angry when you're countering them in an ‘educated’ way.

Hope I’m making sense here.... and good luck!

Plus God Bless you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

Good question. They deny because they don't know the facts. Most of the subscribers here are interested in 2 points from Yahoo instead of seeking the truth. Unfortunately Muslim media is still non-existant or not so active to promote the facts about Quran or other Muslim activities. Islam is still a mystry for other faiths. What you understand and recall "the Proven scientific miracles of Quran" has not yet reached to them hence you should realize the knowledge and understanding of others before asking such questions. However I agree with your views.

Answer 5

salaam sister i recently hve donned the hijab back on after taking it off about three years ago.I now am getting the same rubbish which iused to get before.I am of asian ethnicity and llive in a mixed city in uk but still experience a lot of remarks especially from the sikh and hundy community.These poeple were supposdely my friends before i had my hijab off and now little remarks have made me realise who your true friends are.Some poeple have been real nice as they reaslie i am still the same personality of when i was wearing jeans and tops without a hijab.
i myself am finding it very hard to control frustrations and reading some of these replies have been inspiring to say the least so thanks a lot everybody

and to john i am from here boirn an bought in th eukk so where exactly are we meant to go back to??????

i am still in two minds about wearing abayas and the niqab is a very looooooong way off.ive only changed my dress to a lot looser and started to wear hijab but still poeple man its like as if you got a bomb or something hidden in yur bag the way some stare at you

inshallah i will pray for allah to make things easy for you

Answer 6

I thought I would share this with you.. a sort of lesson learned:

I signed my Nikkah last weekend. As it was done in the Mosque, out of respect, I wore Hijab. But, I'm not exactly an old hand at donning the Hijab, and had to put it on before I left the house (Took me about 20 minutes!!).

I stopped in the grocery store to pick up a pack of chewing gum. I've been in this store numerous times..yet somehow, this cashier suddenly decided I didn't speak English anymore. She rang it up, then turned the screen and pointed at the total. I was a little surprised. But thanked her politely and left.

Walking out to my car, I got hooted at..which never happens normally. Red lights I got stared at, and generally I was just glad to make it to my girlfriend's so we could sort of huddle together.

It's an uncomfortable feeling, and I have to admit my relief at taking off the Hijab after the Nikkah once we were in the car. There's really only so much ignoring you can do, I can understand. I can only imagine what it would be like to deal with that on a day to day basis.

I have friends who do, and I have no problem glaring down people who glare at them when we go out for coffee. Since my first good run-in with Middle Eastern racial profiling at a concert, I've gotten very protective of my friends and family and make no bones about telling bigots where they can get off. Part of the benefit of being a pushy American.

In the moment, you have to stop, take three deep breaths, and remind yourself that lashing out at people who lash at you doesn't help anyone. I'll keep you in my prayers...and certainly, should you ever find yourself in my neighborhood, I would be honored to share a table with you at Starbucks. :)

Answer 7

Well I don't think you should give up your religious practices just because there are some who do not agree with it. That would be wrong, and you would feel horrible for doing it. The reason that you do not see bad behavior to people of Jewish, African, or other nationalities and religions as much (note I said as much) is due to the bad apples that in the name of Islam have killed and wounded so many other people. One good example is how an extreme group of Muslims took over Lebanon. It was once a Christian nation more or less. Then a war broke out by Islamic extremists and killed and tortured many people who where not Muslim. That is one example, another is the fools who planned and the fools who carried out attacks in London, Spain, the United States. They did this claming it all in the name of Islam. It is hard for people to see that there are a great number of kind loving and good hearted Muslims in this world. They tend to see every Muslim as a possible threat. Not to their religion, but to their way of life. This is not true, but that is how they seem to view Muslims. It is not just Muslims that have suffered because of these people but Middle Eastern people as a whole have suffered. If one is European, meaning white, and were Muslim they to would get the same type of disrespect. People now have a dislike and distrust for Muslims, just because of one group. The best thing you can to is be polite, and as nice as possible to people around you. If they are acting very hostile to you, you should report it to the proper authorities. No one should be treated like that. You should pray for strength and that God (Allah) give you the patients and ability to show them that you are not a bad person. It will be threw your actions that others will form opinions upon many other Muslims. If you can be strong, brave, and show kindness, then you can be the one to change others ideas of the "hateful, world dominating, women beating, murderous, Muslim" into what it is, just a small group. You can show them that you and the others like you, are not among the ones so full of hate and intolerance towards, Jews, Americans, British, and other groups of people. You are one of the ones that God has chosen and many others, to show the rest of the world what Islam is truly about. Never apologies for what and who you are, but always use any opportunity you can to show the fools of this world that you and the majority of Muslims love peace. When they spit at you, ask why in a calm and sweet voice. They maybe irate and mean, but you will show them that you are self controlled, and polite. Though they may go away acting like they have learned nothing, they will feel regret over what they did to such a sweet and polite woman. It is not your fault that these fools are like this, it is to some degree their own, and totally the fault of those who use Islam as a guise to spread hate, and death. I am so very sorry that some people mistreat you. That is a very unkind, and ungodly thing to do. What saddens me is I am willing to bet that some of those fools call themselves Christians. That is what I am so shamed of. I wish you the best, and try not to let fools get you upset. If they do, then they have won, because that is what they wanted you to do and feel. So please don't let them. Good luck sweet heart, and be proud of who and what you are! =)

Answer 8

Sister, that is horrible that people treat you that way. I'm not a Muslima, so I haven't experienced persecution from strangers like you have.

I respect and admire Muslim women. It reminds me of God whenever I see a Muslim woman wearing those nice clothes. I don't say anything (usually) because I think it would be rude to interrupt their day, but maybe I should.

I want you to know that you and your Muslim sisters help me to remember God, throughout my day, and it warms my heart to see such dedication in this world of confusion.

I guess if everyone wore hijab it would become so common that seeing a woman, with glowing face, wearing hijab, might no longer leave an impression on my mind, or make me think about God with reverence. As it is, with Muslims more rare than non-Muslims, seeing virtuous women courageously promoting Godly values by their examples is something that inspires me.

Answer 9

This is a very difficult question for me to answer because in all honesty I really don't think that a woman should feel compelled to cover up like that like. It just seems so wrong to me,

HOWEVER! I respect your freedom and right to wear whatever the hell you want and not be picked on for it. If you are attending a British or American college then go and see someone in charge, I think you'll find that the College will take a dim view of the treatment that you have recieved.

Answer 10

I am sorry for what you are going through. I am not muslim, nor any religion, but I respect all religions and just because a certain religion is not for you or anyone else, you (not you personally, only as example) should not judge or redicule that person or their beliefs. I only hope as time moves forward that all people will learn to respect another ones differences. Stay strong!

Answer 11

Follow your own path and try to ignore those who are steeped in ignorance because they do not understand your religion or your culture. I apologize for those who, although they are at a college to get an education, decide to make generalizations about a religion because they latch onto what the extremists believe; decide that the extremists speak for your entire religion; and decide that what the media says about Islam must be entirely true. All Christians should not be judged by the extremists who bomb abortion clinics and neither should all Muslims be judged by those who bomb. Extremists of all religions make this world a harder to place to navigate and makes it tougher for people to understand each other and interact. Remember that you are strong and that you can get through this. Maybe you could see if there is a way for other Muslim students to get together and talk to the Dean of students about the illegal harassment. And maybe you could also see if there is a way to get the religious clubs on your campus to have a symposium about religion. Getting people to understand your point of views could be beneficial. I'm afraid that many just see the West being at war with the Middle East and you happen to be an embodiment of the Muslim faith. Your situation reminds me of what happened to Americans of Japanese ancestry during WW II. Just as shameful then and just as shameful now.