This is a very touchy subject and one I'm embarrassed to admit. 2 years ago I sent my 4 kids to live with their dad (my oldest child's father died 3 years ago so she lives with her uncle). I have no patience and yell all the time (even now when I see them, I just have no patience). My life sucks and sometimes I want to just kill myself and end it all, but how can I do that after seeing what my daughter went through after her dad died. I have been seeing counselors for 15 years and have been on every type of medication. I love my kids more than life and would do anything for them, they just annoy me. What is wrong with me? I block everything out but every once in a while it hits me... that I'm a rotten mother and don't deserve anything good in life... then I just cry for days and try to figure out a way to make things better - with them, for myself, etc. Then it all goes away and I'm back to my usual blank self, with no feeling, no hope for anything.
2007-09-05 03:12:26 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
My kids are so precious and I wish I could just be a good mother because sometimes I miss them so much. It took me 2 years to finally let them go (to send them away) because as much as I get annoyed, I love them and only want what is best for them (and I know I'm not what is best). Even though I yell all the time, they love me so much, which makes me feel even worse. I look at them when they are sleeping and I just cry. I'm so glad they are in a good place now and people tell me I did the right thing because if I didn't love them so much, I wouldn't have sent them away... but they beg me to come back and live with me. I tell them I love them, but think it's better they live elsewhere because they don't deserve to be yelled at all the time.. they say "you dont yell" (LOL)... life sucks. I don't believe in God either, so don't say turn to God. I tried that, every religion, and I believe in nothing.
2007-09-05 03:16:45 · update #1
I had my tubes tied in 1999, so I won't have any more. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself, I never looked at it like that. There are alot of people in worse situations (I know that also). I'm not looking for sympathy, just trying to figure out why I am the way I am.
2007-09-05 03:19:37 · update #2
i dont see how the hell you did that. i agree that is being a rotten mother.
2007-09-05 03:20:54 · answer #1 · answered by swift1958 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Oh sweetie! Stop being soooo damn hard on yourself! You sent your children to live with family that can handle the big responsibility of raising kids. Just because you have the vagina doesn't necessarily mean it MUST be you to have custody of them. It's traditional, but not written in stone. You tell you love em, have been honest with em. I do think you should go to maybe another doctor. I have anxiety/depression and had to try different meds to find out what worked. Call me a human guinea pig, but in the long run, it was worth it! Some meds just don't work for some. And can even make you feel crappier. And you've tried mild sedatives? Had your hormone level checked. After I had my tubes tied, for some reason, my symptoms had worsened. And now I'm perimenopausal, I need all the help I can get. I had at one time, been soooo depressed, I wanted to literally "kick the bucket!". Your kids need you mom. You should take them regularly. You've got yourself feelin' so guilty, your mindset on being miserable and anxious. And kids can really zip up the anxiety at times. Sounds like a chemical imbalance. Not enough seratonin goin' to the ole brain. Which gets you anxious, edgy, bitchy.....then depressed. Yes, it's a vicious cycle...been there. Anxiety can give you scary thoughts too. Like you may go nuts and hurt someone, like perhaps...your children. On one of Lucinda Bassett's tapes on anxiety/depression, one lady wouldn't even bathe her son until hubby got home because she thought her anxiety would cause to maybe drown him. She knew in her heart she wouldn't tho. You deserve to be happy. Your kids deserve a happy mommy. Do not give up. There is an answer. You just have to be willing to keep trying...until you get there, ok? I'm not b.s.ing ya. A hug to you!!!!!
2007-09-05 05:32:57 · answer #2 · answered by zen 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please forgive my response as I don't want to lash out at all. I understand what you did, and I think I understand why you do what you do when the children are around. It seems to me that you are very self absorbed...not being mean....sometimes people have a hard time focusing on others and focus only on the things that they want. The yelling seems to me as though it may be aggravation because what you wanted to do was being interrupted. Hence...they are bothering me...you are wallowing in self pity now....poor me....etc. and your thinking that you feel so sorry for the kids because of what you have put them through...again about you. This is a cycle....you have it within you to break it. Try doing something where you are doing things just to help some one with no selfish motive in mind....a charity, food bank, clothing closet....anything where you are completely giving and you really don't want to be there. Pretty soon the rewarding feeling of taking away from the YOU time will actually feel rewarding. Your problem sounds pretty deep....i would continue therapy. Know that your children are safe and that they are resilient...they probably will be just fine.
2007-09-05 03:30:45 · answer #3 · answered by Rein 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
On one hand, you took yourself out of the mix and got the kids into a space where they will not be taking any abuse. You have been getting counseling and trying medication. In this, I cannot call you a bad mother. A bad mother would still be in denial of having problems and would be dragging the kids through all sorts of abuse.
Now... how to address the basis? No, life doesn't suck. You can't block out your issues or emotions, and medications just bury them for the time being. You have to face them all in the cold light of day, and see where they all come from. This all came from somewhere.
The other thing is that you are also still denying yourself help from another source. You have been turned off of religion... which is fine... but don't try to turn away from God. See if you can find a "science of mind" or unitarian church in your area.
The other thing would be to learn and use the EFT technique. It uses a series of tapping on various meridian points to release emotional trauma. It is drug-free and really works.
2007-09-05 03:30:22 · answer #4 · answered by revsuzanne 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You are absolutely correct that this is a touchy subject. And anyone who has only anger or judgement for you has never had children and been afflicted with mentall illness. It's a very real problem for many many women.
As mothers, we are instinctively drawn to our children and to even think of letting them go is against everything we know. But if you are suffering with mental illness and are unable to control your behavior at this time, you have done the right thing. Of course, your children want to come home and want to be with you. But they are not adults, they are children and it's our job as parents to make the hard decisions and do what's right instead of what's easy or popular.
You need to get out of the counceling cycle and get with a doctor who can continue working with you. Sometimes it takes years and years to find the right mix of medication to regulate chemical imbalances in the brain. My mother-in-law has been dealing with this exact thing since 1988. It took almost ten years to find the right medication to help even out her highs and lows. It's not easy and it's not quick. But if you really love your children, you will do whatever it takes to get better. You will be their mother for a very long time and as they get older they will think differently as adults IF your motives are as you stated above.
2007-09-05 04:01:00 · answer #5 · answered by Spera 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hi Hon...
you said you have been to counselors for 15 years... apparently, you are in therapy with the wrong ones, or they haven't touched on your issues OR you are resistant to the help all together.
have you ever tried CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)? It is a great type of therapy and helps us with our reactions, thought processes and other behaviors.
therapy works when we WORK it.... just because we go, doesn't mean we are putting forth the effort toward change in ourselves....
facing our fears, pain and actually FEELING that pain, is different from just going through the motions of going to therapy, sitting there, and then leaving... we have to continue the fight to work on ourselves during, after, and inbetween sessions...
i have found a couple of websites on CBT for you listed below... also you didn't say if you have a diagnosis, but there are many resources on the internet for information... just do a search.
I do not think you are a bad mother at all for what you've done in behalf of your children. If YOU feel they are better where they are right now, then you are taking care of yourself, AND them... after all, they are your responsibility and you are doing what you think is right and responsible at this time in your life.
I have bipolar disorder, just so you know... there have been times in my life when i had to make difficult choices, too. I have also had to put forth mountains of effort to learn to cope and change my behaviors, or stop myself from doing things which were not that rational.
take care of YOU.. sending hugs.
you are welcome to join our mental health forums, as well... we are a very small group, caring and supportive. www.mentalworldhaven.com
2007-09-05 03:38:12 · answer #6 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Please do not give up on the doctors. If you can show them this letter it may help point out to them where your problems are and may help get you on the road to mental health.
YOU DID THE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT THING FOR YOUR CHILDREN! You removed them from your highs and your lows. They do not understand that because they are too young but one day they will. Right now you need to spend some concentrated time finding out why you feel and act the way you do.
I know you love your children and I know you have done the right thing and will continue to do the right thing for them. Now you must do the right thing for you.
2007-09-05 04:34:03 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to take a fresh hard honest look at yourself and why you behave the way you behave. Also look at how important you are to yourself. How important is what you want of your children to you? And whether your behavior is aiding or bringing down your children.
And since you have mentioned it, even though you don't believe in God, God can help you.
But like you said religion cannot do a thing for you. Its true religion is dead.
Try notreligion.org
2007-09-05 03:28:34 · answer #8 · answered by danprem 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten
son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. That is what the word of God says, confess your sins before the Lord because he is faithful and just to forgive and bring healing to your life JESUS LOVES YOU. Go to church, pray and read your bible everyday. The first step is acknowledging your sins before God.
2007-09-05 03:34:06 · answer #9 · answered by Ocean C 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you think you are a bad mother? well, you love them enough to realize that you needed to send them away. alot of mothers would be selfish and keep them, knowing that they would be better off with there dad. so, try to ease up on yourself a bit.
2007-09-05 03:23:51 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I agree whole heartedly w/John C... they are with there dad, uncle... & they are better off...
Dont be hard on urself..not at females were cut out to be a mom... sad but true...
2007-09-05 03:39:49 · answer #11 · answered by momof3 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋