stepdaughter hates me...what would you do?

Question

my fiance's 18 yr old daughter hates me. Her mom and him divorced 3 yrs ago before I even came into the picture. she blames me for the breakup of the marriage. Her mom and dad both have told her they had problems long before that. they were married 25 yrs and had not slept in the same bed for the last 15 yrs. he stayed because of his 2 daughters. Her sister is 24 and has accepted me and we get along fine. I have did all kinds of things to try and win her over. I gave her a sweet 16 party. the first party she ever had, I let her drive my car when I first met her, and I always buy her nice gifts at christmas. she has cursed at me and told everyone she hates me. she says she wont come around to see her dad because of me. I have never kept him from seeing her, i even encourage him to do things with her. she wants him to come visit her at her mother's home while her mom is there. she quit school and does not work. she is also into drugs. she even told her dad she wants to whoop my rear!

I am at my wit's end ...she hates me so much. I was in a car accident a few months ago and she told her dad she wished I would of gotten killed. How should I handle this? I have never cursed her or lost my temper with her. also, she has an aunt, (her dad's sister) that has been telling her things I said about her and called her names which I have never did.

Answer 1

After that bad treatment of me, I wouldn't do a damn thing for her and I'd tell her father that too and how she isn't welcomed in my house. If he don't like it, then this relationship is over.

Answer 2

Whatever type of relationship your new husband and his recent ex had worked great for 25 years. You and I both know the previous statement is NOT true, but in the kids eyes it IS true. I dont know that you will ever be able to convince them otherwise.
The girl is 18 years old, an adult, and can have any opinion she wants to have about anything.
Although you have obviously had the best of intensions, I do think you have made a couple of mistakes.
First, what happened in his last marriage, right or wrong, is really none of your concern. The daughter doesnt want to hear bad things about her mom and dad, nor does she want to know how your so much better than her mom. Her mom is always going to be put on a pedastal in her mind no matter what she has done or hasnt done.
The second mistake is, dont try too hard to win the girls affections. You are there for her father, she is not your daughter, so stop trying to be a good mom to her. Even if he thinks you should be, don't. You are not obligated to do this, and I dont even think it is possible.
Would you try this hard to be friends with someone who was not your step-daughter? She has expressed that she really doesnt want attention from you, so dont push her. Just step aside when she is around so that she can spend time with her dad.
Later, on her own, she may see how unfair she is being and come around more, at which time your relationship may become more tolerable, but dont pushhh her into it.
She is acting very immature, but she is doing this out of extreme anger. She doesnt know you and she doesnt care.
Here it is in a nutshell: She is angry as hell about the divorce, doesnt know who to be angry at, so guess who gets the golden prize of misplaced anger directed at them....You.
You are the proverbial 'other woman'.....in her mind.
Just try to keep a low profile, give her no reason to not like you.... when she sees what a good thing you have brought to her fathers life she may soften a bit. If you confront her it will only get worse. Good Luck....hugssssssss!!!

Answer 3

Girl you have a case of the "I don't want anyone with my dad but my mom" Syndrome. First thing, if being just honestly nice doesn't help her to like you. Buying her things sure as hell ain't. And the Aunt is not making it any better. It sounds like you guys have not been together very long. It may fill like it. But you haven't. All you can do is continue to be nice to her. But first ask yourself "Are you really in this relationship for the long hall. "If not" get out and cut your loses. If so just be yourself but at the same time never let anyone walk all over you. Give respect and expect it and return. If the daughter is doing drugs, the drugs are going to alter her thinking and her behavior. and it very hard to help someone that on drugs. First the father should get his daughter help for the drug problem. Have you guys all sat down as a family meaning "you, father, and kids"? If the relationship is worth it and you have the kids father support it will work out.

Answer 4

First of all I want to say" I hope that you are doing well after the accident" When a parent gets divorced it is really hard for a child to except the other step-parent. when this happeneds at an older year it seems to be harder because all they have known is their father and mother together. Stop trying to buy her love that is just going to get worst. Does she have respect for you when you are buying her things? If so then she is only using you. Don't give her what she wants. Just try not to have her inbetween you and her dad. Don't let her be the cause of you two seperating. She is a grown adult and it is going to take her awhile before she realizes that you are there for her when she needs you the most. At this point in her life she thinks that she doesn't need you and that you are no good. Just give her her space and when she comes around then be there for her.

Answer 5

I dont think she hates u I think its attention problem .Maybe she thinks that dad gives u more than here girls at this age dont want to accept other women in there fathers life .We all kno girls are daddys heart and maybe she feels that u are takin him away from her even thou its not true .Dad needs to sit her down and have a heart to heart with her .Maybe tellin her noone will ever take her place but he is happy with u and love u as well and she has to accept that . If after this and it dont help maybe she needs to stay away from u and let dad meet her somewhere else . But u can never make anyone like u and tryin all u have and she feels the same why should u keep going out of your way u try your best and thats all u can do . Maybe she needs some councilin she needs help to cope with this get hubby to talk with her about this and maybe gettin her help . Good luck hun Best wishes!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 6

She is an adult now. And you know that her parents break up was not your fault and so does her mom and everything else. She is just angry and she is acting childish. If she is into drugs then she has a skewed vision of reality and she really isn't thinking clearly. I would think that getting her cleaned up through an intervention and some counseling will at least help her not be so psycho about it. It seems that she is causing trouble, to try and get her parents back together. They need to sit down with her and tell her TOGETHER that her childish behavior will only alienate them from her. Once she realizes she is going push both her parents away from her, maybe she'll stop.

Answer 7

The mom and dad stayed together for a lot longer than they should have to make things easier on the kids, who at 15 was plenty old enough to understand these things on an intellectual level. This one didn't get it, and quite frankly, she needs an intervention of some sort.

I really would suggest family counseling. Perhaps your husband's workplace offers counseling through his medical plan.

Don't let him blow you off on this one. That daughter should be on her way to college and/or the workplace by now... and she has regressed to a pre-teen. He needs to get this under control now so he won't find her dead of an overdose and bailing her out every other week.

You need to have a talk with your husband... to the effect that if she does not get some help, she cannot come over any more. The drugs are feeding her need for violence and you are the current target.

Answer 8

Hi... sorry for your issue.

Your step daughter is in quite a lot of pain over her parents' divorce, and it has nothing to do with you personally. If her parents were too stupid to SEE this, and have not gotten her proper help so that she can come to terms, it's their fault too.

She probably won't change for a while, if ever. You could let her know that you realize she's in a lot of pain over her parents' divorce, and if she needs to talk, you are there to listen (a light bulb might come ON in her head!).

the step daughter may also feel you are "taking her father away" from her... we all know this isn't true... but this is how some kids feel.

you don't have to stick your neck out for her constantly. just treat her as you treat everyone else... and don't go out of your way to please her.

her parents need to address this issue....

sorry you're having a rough time, hon.

Answer 9

HA! would you let a stranger treat you like this? would you let your own children treat you like this? STOP allowing someone to take advantage of you! She does this, because YOU allow her to. Next time, you stand up for yourself & say, Hey - that's about enough... and walk away. Each time, you say - I won't allow you to treat me with ill respect & you stand your ground. If she doesn't come around - oh well! Eventually, she will - you cannot take her hurt away - you can allow her to hurt & feel the things she feels. And you can tell her that whether she accepts you or not, you are not going anywhere... it's time to face the fact that life goes on...

Answer 10

Shes on drugs and has personal problems. You cant deal with irrational people in a rational manner. Either ignore her and learn to live with it or get out of the relationship bc she isnt going anywhere and isnt likely to change. Be courteous but dont go out of your way to be nice anymore. Shes too far gone. good-luck.