Do you have any fun religion-themed jokes?

Question

I've always enjoyed this one:

A guy is trapped in his house by a flood and he is standing on his porch when a boat comes by to get him.

"No," says the guy. "Thanks, but God will save me."

So the boat goes on. Then the guy is leaning out of the 2nd story window when another boat comes by:

"No, thanks, " says the guy. "God will save me."

When the third boat comes along, he has climbed out onto the roof:

"No, thanks, " he says again. "God will save me."

Finally, he is on the ridgepole with just the tiniest bit of space between him and drowning and a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder to him.

"No, thanks, " he yells above the whirring of the rotor. "God will save me."

Then he drowns.

When he gets to heaven, he asks God "Why did you not save me?"

And God says "I sent you three boats and a helicopter! What more do you want??"

Sisterzeal, that is hysterical!! :-)

These are all great! (and Phoenix, it must have taken great restraint.. ;-)

Answer 1

There's the one where a little girl about 5 is watching her mommy prepare dinner for several guests. "can I help mommy she asks?" "No honey......just go play". She continues to frantically cook, make salad, set the table, fuss over the soon to arrive guests and the five year old asks again "can I help mommmy?" "No honey........just go wash your hands it's almost time for dinner"........finally all the guests arrive and are seated and it's time to say grace. The mother realizes she never let her daughter help, and thinks perhaps she has hurt her feelings "honey would you like to say grace?" she says to her daughter, the daughter whispers in her mom's ear "mommy I don't know what to pray "..........Mommy whispers back to her "just pray what I pray honey"........So the little girl clasps her hands in front of 25 dinner guests and says out loud "OH LORD why did I invite all these PEOPLE to dinner?"

Answer 2

A righteous man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the gate and begins to show him around. They walk down the street a bit and see a house where well-dressed ladies and gentlemen are drinking white wine and nibbling on pate while a pianist plays. "What is going on there?" the man asks. St. Peter replies that that is where the Episcopalians live and they are having a party.

The two walk a bit farther and see a house where a frat party is going on. Tequila flows like water and things are going on the the pool that would make Hugh Hefner blush. "Whoa" says the man, "Who lives there?". "They are Amish, they never had any fun on earth so they make up for it here."

After walking a bit more they see a house off in the distance. Suddenly St. Peter says "Quiet! Get down. Hide behind these bushes." "What is going on?" asks the man. "Those are the Catholics, they think they are the only ones here!"

Answer 3

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.

He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

Answer 4

A minister made it a habit of calling on all the people in his church at their homes and inviting himself to dinner with them to get to know them better. One couple really wasn't comfortable with that, and took great pains to avoid him whenever he came around.

One night, though, they were at home when they saw the minister drive up in his car and park in their driveway! They locked the door, and ran out back to their garden, where they hid quietly until he'd figure they were gone and would leave. He knocked several times. He thought it was odd that their car was in the driveway but no one would come to the door. Eventually, he gave up and then left a note on the door, which simply said, "Revelation 3:20."

The next Sunday, after church, the minister went into his office and found a card on his desk, which simply said, "Genesis 3:10"

Answer 5

The Pope's doctors, after examining him, conclude that His Holiness has contracted a very rare, deadly prostate disease for which the only cure is sex. So the Pope calls his closest cardinals to discuss the matter.
"You must undergo this treatment," the cardinals say. "It will save your life and we still need you here."
"But I made a vow of chastity," says the Pope.
"Technically, it is not a sin if done for medical reasons," the cardinals say.
This theological argument goes on for hours and hours, until finally the Pope concedes the point and agrees to take the cure.
"I will do it under four conditions," says the Pope. "First, you must find a blind woman to administer this cure, so she cannot see that she is having sex with the Pope."
"We will make sure she is blind," the cardinals say.
"Also, she must be deaf," says the Pope, "so she will not hear from any one that she had sex with the Pope."
"She will be deaf also," say the cardinals.
"And she must be dumb, so that she cannot say to anyone that she had sex with the Pope."
"It shall be done," they all say. "And the last condition?"
"Blonde with big t**s."

Answer 6

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and

she's in serious financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...


"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the
lotto."
That night the blonde dreams she wins the lotto.
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
The next day she prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost

my business my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost
my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't
often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life
back in order."
Sudde nly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with me on this...Buy a ticket....

Blessed Be... )O(

Answer 7

I love that joke. I've also always enjoyed this one, even though it's old as dirt:

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from behind him, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

Jesus turned to see who had thrown the rock and cried, "Aw, c'mon, Mom....I'm trying to make a point here!"

Answer 8

too bad he didn't send boats and helicopters the first time he sent a flood.

Answer 9

Here is one. Question- What kind of man was Boaz before he married? Answer- Ruthless.

Answer 10

Q - What does a dyslexic, insomniac, agnostic do ?

A - Lay awake at night, and wonder if there really is a DOG.