Religous Jokes?

Question

OK i haven't seen a post for religous jokes in a while. I'm not trying to take the mick out of anybody here, just have a bit of fun. So anybody got any religous jokes? Could be about christians, athiests, agnostics, muslims, jews, scientologists... anybody

I'll start; Jesus walked into a hotel, put 3 nails on the counter and said "put me up for the night"

Well Luv, if he does exist i'm sure he can take a joke

Aimee J, my apologies for using an outdated joke =( i hope you'll forgive me

Answer 1

There was a great multitude gathered on the hillside getting ready to stone a prostitute. All of a sudden, Jesus comes before the crowd and says. "let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Without hesitation an old woman picks up a big rock and smashes the whore's brains out.
Then Jesus says, "Mom, sometimes you really piss me off."

Answer 2

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.
They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.
The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice ****! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"


A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "****, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Dont use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I ****ïn missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please dont use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldnt help mutter, "Oh ****" The priest said, "That ïs it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "****, I Missed".


A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!". The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."

Answer 3

SIGN in a window of an Arab-owned USA business... "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN" This sign was prominently displayed in the window of an actual business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, Americans are a society which holds "Freedom of Speech" as the greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign. Right?!? You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign in public??? Have you guessed the answer? A Funeral Home. (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?) You gotta love it!!! GOD Bless America

Answer 4

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi decided to go for a long jog. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Answer 5

A little boy was having trouble in math. His parents put him in special classes, tutoring, you name it. Nothing worked, so they put him in a Catholic school. After a week, they noticed that he was doing great in math. They asked him what made him change so much. He said, "When I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business."


Sorry Jesus

Answer 6

Moses, Jesus, and Mohammad were all out in a boat fishing.
After awhile, Moses began to feel nature's call...so he got out of the boat, and walked across the water to the shore, where he slipped behind a bush to relieve himself.
A little later, Jesus also felt the call, and he also climbed out of the boat, walked across the water to the shore, where he slipped behind the bush...
After awhile, Mohammad, also, began to feel the call of nature. He didn't know exactly what to do...after awhile, he began to squirm in his seat. Then, reasoning to himself that, since both Moses and Jesus had walked across the water, he could also do the same thing, he climbed out of the boat and promptly sank to the bottom.
Moses and Jesus looked over the side and shook their heads. Moses spoke first.
"Do You suppose," he asked Jesus, "that we ought to have told him about the stone bridge?"
Jesus looked at him blankly for several seconds before asking, "What stone bridge?"

Answer 7

I might find that somewhat amusing if I hadn't first heard it in The Crow 13 years ago.

Answer 8

An Atheist, Muslim, Catholic, JW, and Mormon all jumped off the empire state building together which one hit the ground first?

The Catholic.
The Atheist not being able to see gravity didn't believe in it,
The Muslim stopped to plant a bomb,
The JW stopped to convert someone looking out of the window,
And The Mormon stopped to ask for directions.

Answer 9

Here ya go.

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday
morning.
From the pulpit he said, "Today I am going to say a single word and you
are
going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes
to
your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.

The pastor hollered out, "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE,
how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang
"THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said, "SEX"
The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at
one-another, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing
"PRECIOUS
MEMORIES."

Answer 10

LOL That is really good! My favorite is, What is the goal of a jewish football game? To get the Quarter back! Lol