I'm the only father he's ever known. Started dating his mother when she was pregnant. How do we tell him ?

Question

Quick summary:
Bio- father wanted nothing to do with it. We moved far away, got married when Noah was three and I legally adopted him about 4 years ago, when he was seven.
Noah's eleven now. We have had two more children together. The younger ones look similar to each other and less like Noah.

Integrity is one of the big priorities in our family-
So we feel that we should tell him and make sure he understands, but are worried about wrecking him at a tender age. We are kicking ourselves for not doing it when he was a toddler, but it is what it is.

What would be the best way to do this? Would there be a particular verbiage that would be considered best for his age?

Any advice would be great, especially from adoptee's...

Answer 1

First of all I'd like to congradulate you for being such a good man. Second, I suggest you tell your son. I don't have any childern, but I do plan to adopt as well, and I would also tell my childern when they are young. There is nothing worse than being raised in a family your whole life only to learn later it was all false and feel betrayed. He is 11 now and would understand what happened and why you adopted him.

You could sit him down or take him out to eat or while watching tv, something that it's just the two of you. Tell him you're his father and have always been and will always be and tell him how much you love him.Explain to him that when you met his mother she was already pregnant with him. Tell him that you fell in love with his mother and fell in love with him and knew you wanted to be apart of his life forever. You knew you wanted to be apart of this family. Never say "I'm not your real father" or "Biological father". If he asks about his bio dad, tell him that he wasn't emotionally ready or responible enough to handle the joys of parenthood. Tell him that you have respect for him and that you believe he is responsible enough to tell him the truth. Tell him that no matter what happens you will always love him and that he will always be your son.

If he has questions answer them honestly. And then tell your other childern. The whole family should be on the same page. However, don't tell the other childern in front of Noah or have Noah tell them. Or better yet, ask Noah if and/or how to tell his siblings. And use that word, "Siblings" it will help him to continue to feel like apart of the family. Don't change how you act towards him, don't be extra nice or inforce the rules more. Continue life as usual ad treat all the childern the same.

He may take it well, he may not. I know a young man who learned he was adopted at a very young age and has never felt like a true part of his family. Just accept the way he feels and continue to love him.

Answer 2

Do you really think there is any reason to tell him now? I mean, eventually he might ask you about it if someone happens to mention it to him, but what good would it do? You're his father. You've loved him and raised him, and you've been there for him, as a father should be. If you make it a point to sit him down sometime and say "Noah. I'm not your biological father", I think it would probably traumatize him very much, and he would feel like an outsider.

There's no point in kicking yourselves for not doing it sooner. You can't go back and change it. If Noah happens to come to you guys someday and say "Hey, so and so says Dad really isn't my dad", I would explain to him that you ARE his father, even though you don't share the same blood. You love him as much as the other children, and you're his dad because you wanted to be his dad.

My mom married my dad when I was 11, and he's been the best father I could've ever hoped to have. He's always loved and taken care of me, because I'm his daughter. He has never once called me his "step-daughter" and I don't call him my "step-father". He's my dad. Period. In some ways, I wish I didn't know that he wasn't my biological father.

Answer 3

The sooner you do this the better. But telling him is only half of it. You will need to reasure him of his place in your family for a while afterwards. (For a few days or weeks there may be a bit of uneasyness). But hopefully it will pass and everthing will go back to normal.

One day casually find out his views on adoption and related issues. Slip it into a conversation. Let him know what your views are on the subject. Make sure he knows that it is okay and that there is nothing wrong with it, and that you consider adoption okay. You should be able to get a feel for how he might respond.

Not too long afterwards, maybe one to seven days. Sit him down and tell him that the both of you have something important to tell him about himself that he is old enough to know, and that you think that he should know. Tell him that the both of you love him and will always love him and nothing will ever change that because he is your son.
Tell him that it is important, but it will not change anything and that it is nothing to worry about. Then tell him that you adopted him after his mother (your wife) had him. (Tell him this in such a way that he knows that his mother (your wife) is his biological mother, but you adopted him). Tell him that you consider him to be your son just as much as your other two children and you love him just as much.

This will be traumatic for him and the both of you. Depending on how the situation is, tell him how you met his mother when she was pregnant with him. Do not go into too much details, because it will be much with the information so far. But tell him that some other time when he is ready you all can talk some more about it, if he would like to.

Tell him that as far as you are concerned, he is your son and you love him. Tell him that this does not change anything and that you want things to be jsut as they were before you told him. You need to ask him how he feels about this. Allow him to respond or not, or when he is ready.

After you tell him do not treat him any different or make him feel or think that you are treating him anty different.

You also need to tell your other two children, but only tell them when he has become comfortable with the whole thing.
But at some point they should be told. The younger they are, the better. Tell them as soon after he is comfortable with the situation.

You need to make sure that they consider the situation as you do. So from as soon as you tell him, start teaching them that adopting children is okay and that there is nothing wrong with it. So by the time you tell them they will be okay with it.

This is just a guideline.

E-mail me and let me know how it works out.

Good luck and all the best!

Answer 4

First of all, you sound like a good guy! I'm in a similar situation, my husband and I met when my son was 2. He never met or had anything at all to do with his birth father. When you went through the adoption, he didn't have to be interviewed by your caseworker? My son was only 5 almost 6 when he was adopted and the cut off in our area is 5, any child over 5 has to be interviewed by the caseworker. We were required to tell him that he's not biologically my husband's and a basic "it takes a mom & dad to make a baby story". At 7, he would've been in school and writing his name, does he understand anything about the adoption? Did you change his last name in the adoption? That was the biggest change in my son's eyes.

I'm not sure how'd you approach it, at 5, I don't think my son realized that he wasn't my husband's. We explained to him what we had to but it's starting to click more now that he's 10. He asked us recently why my hubby wasn't there when he was born and my answer was simply "Because we hadn't met him yet". I fear what will happen at school, what type of "he's not your REAL dad" comments we'll get. One thing I did tell my son was "You know, kids get paired with parents and vice versa but remember that your Dad CHOSE YOU for his son, he wasn't just assigned you."

I'd suggest you read some general adoption books or try finding an adoption forum, like adoption.com.

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 5

Not a great answer but perhaps a bandage until a real answer, Reading children's book read alouds to kids about animals going thru something similar often causes them to think and ask questions For example, The Ugly Duckling. He never knew he was in the wrong family. I would just read it and say nothing. No, I don't want him to think he is ugly, but I am outdated on current kid books and your local librarian could help, This comes at it softly and eventually as the books get closer and closer to humans and the truth the child will often start pondering and then will ask ONLY what they need to know Hope this helps

Answer 6

I had a 2nd dad too. This happened when I was about 11. I always knew the truth. Honesty is the best policy. My parents had a second child and they told him we didn't have the same dad when he was a child. It really hurt me. I thought we had agreed not to ever tell any other children they may have. You need to reassure Noah that you love him and you wanted him. Adopted children are wanted and planned. Any idiot can conceive a child but not just anyone can adopt. That's what you tell him when you're ready. You don't want him to find out from anyone other than you. You need to treat all your children the same and love them equally. You get your children a gift you get Noah a gift of equal value. Trust me on this.
I think you're a great guy cause you dated his mom knowing she was pregnant with another mans baby. That says you love her. Loving his mom is the greatest gift a dad can give his children.

Answer 7

My mom was adopted and she also gave up my only full sibling for adoption as a baby. And it is all different depending on the childs mentality level. However just make sure when you do it you don't make him feel unwanted by his birth father. It could leave him heartbroken wondering why he wouldn't be wanted. Try to do it in a sensitive way and make sure to ask him if he has any questions.Good luck.

Answer 8

children are tougher than we give them credit for, i would tell him as soon as possible, the longer you wait the harder it will be, and the harder he will take it. take some time for just him, and tell him you need to talk, let him know that you love him very much, just as much as the other children,and you waited to tell him, because you wanted to be sure that he was old enough to understand what you were telling him. all of my sisters have a different dad from me, but the difference is my mom had the 3 of them with her 1st husband, then after they divorced , much later in life, 16 yrs. actually she had me, my dad ran out when i was a baby though, so i knew everything from a very young age. and now my boys have a different dad other than my husband, and we now have a daughter, i met my husband when my boys were 3 and 5 months, so the 3 year old already knew, and as soon as the baby was of speaking age we let him know right away, their real dad is not present but they know that their step dad is their dad and that he loves them, and provides for them, and lives for them, he treats all 3 kids the same with the same love, and they don't see each other as step bro/sis, and they look as him as dad. i think that you son will be fine, answer any questions that he may have, tell him nothing changes from before, he just knows that he came from someone else, but has been your son ever since. it will probably be harder on you than him,i'll pray for your family, that you can find the right words and that your son takes it well and fully understands what you are trying to explain to him. god bless.

Answer 9

This is a common dilemma. Integrity doesn't necessarily mean full disclosure. For example, if someone you worked with got a new hair style that you thought was completely unflattering it would not be an integrity issue for you to tell them what you thought about it. In fact it would be cruel to do so. To my mind integrity is about relationship. It is about being true to the relationship not the "facts". The truth is you are the boy's father. Period. There are many ways to be a father - the least important is biological and the most important is having a close nurturing relationship.

Another example: when I was a young boy and was starting to suspect that Santa Claus was another name for mom and dad, my mother broke the news to me this way:

I asked: Is Santa Claus real?
She said: I believe Santa Claus is real, but that he is not necessarily a man in a red suit who rides a sleigh pulled by reindeer. I believe Santa is a spirit that lives in all of us when we are at our best and most giving. When we love and live with generosity, then we can perpetuate the magic of Christmas and Santa Claus for one another.

That answer always was very meaningful for me.

So, for your son I would wait until he asks. And if he asks I would tell him that he was my son. Period. That some sons are biologically related to their fathers. But sometimes in special cases fathers choose their sons. And that out of all the sons in the world, you chose him.

Focus on making it an area of strength, emphasizing the positive. And remember forget the "facts". Being true to the relationship is what counts. That is what integrity is all about.

(I am a family conflict coach. www.familyfightclub.com)

Answer 10

Have to be honest with you...if you are the only father he has known then you are the father...I adopted a son and gave him my last name and he is my boy - period....the bio-dad wanted nothing to do with him so why get into all that and make him wonder why his dad wanted nothing to do with him, especially when he had everything he needed here? No reason to, end of story, he is happy and healthy and a typical teen who is now 18 and content with who he is and where he comes from...and most importantly who his true family is. Good luck, but I would advise that you are the true father and the one that has earned that title...take pride in it and share it with no one...