To those who have lost a loved one?

Question

How did you cope? I've lost people that were close to me before, but never a parent before this. I can't stop thinking about my dad. I know I have to go through the grieving process, but nothing seems to alleviate this pain. I'm so overcome with it I ended up hospitalized last night due to having a migraine so severe I was vomiting and Imitrex, a special migraine medication, would not work. This is affecting my health. My husband is being such an angel and comforting me, doing more than his part, and caring for the kids when he does not have to. For those of my religion, I am not screaming out or anything, I am going through the motions like a robot, but what other duas and prayers can I say to get past this? And what does Islam say about the death of a parent who is not a Muslim, as my father was a Christian? I also can't seem to relax and feel a desperate need to keep doing things. My house is now spotless, including the attic, and organized completely. Nothing is left.

Answer 1

Inna lilahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon.

Dear sister,
I am sorry to hear abut your loss.
Everyone deals with the death of a loved one in different ways. A relative of mine passed away recently. At first it didn't sink in, I didn't think of him, I didn't talk about him. About 4 days went by and one evening my mum mentioned him. All of a sudden my eyes filled with tears. I cried several times that eveing, then I thought I would get over it and get back to normal. But no. That was just the beginning of my greiving process. I thought about him often, no matter how hard I tried not to, he was always on my mind. I cried alot. It got to the point when I would cry instantly just at the thought of him, no matter where I was or what I was doing. I would cry when I was sitting, while I was doing the washing, during Salaat, even whe I was out somewhere I would cry. At night I sometimes cried myself to sleep. The thought of him in his grave, it made me so restless that I couldn't sleep most nights, I would end up crying again. I had a heavy feeling in my chest all the time. I didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone, I almost ended up in a state of depression. I cried so much so often that it scared me, I was think to myself, 'why can't I stop crying?'. Then sister, I had a dream. It's quite a long and detailed dream but basically, in my dream my mobile phone was ringing. I didn't recognize the number though. I answered it and it was him! I ask him, "how are you"? and he tells me that in his final days he suffered alot but now he's a bit better.
When I woke up, I thought about the dream and I told my mum about it. My mum told me that it is a sign from Allah SWT, to tell me that this relative is ok and I should stop crying for him. From then, I felt alot better and I stopped crying so much. Every day I thought about the dream and it gave me alot of comfort. I prayed to Allah every day for his soul to rest in peace and I still pray for him now. Sometime I think of him and I cry. Typing all this right now has brought tears to my eyes. Since his death I have realized that this life is temporary and we shouldn't love the world so much. One day we will all return to Allah. My relative has returned to Allah, your father has returned to Allah, one day you, me and all of us will return to Allah. I believe Allah has helped me through this, otherwise God forbid I would've ended up a complete depressed wreck.
Please stay patient sister and pray to Allah. You WILL get through this InshaAllah. Allah will help you InshaAllah and time is a great healer.

Answer 2

Losing a parent is very difficult. When I lost my mother, I thought I would never stop crying - I missed her so much. I had some of her clothes and I could actually smell her - even after the clothes were washed.

That was 7 years ago this summer.

I still miss her - but not everyday, and not with such attendant pain and sleeplessness. I miss her when I would have called to tell her something or ask her something.

The pain is much less today and in it's place is a bitter-sweet memory of the mother that I had loved and lost.

The only thing that helps is time. It was a full year before I could say the pain had eased at all and I didn't cry everyday. It was two years before I could talk easily about her. It was three years when I realized that I could be whole without her. Now, it is better, and I love to talk about her and now her memory is a comfort.

Time. It just takes time. Let yourself feel the pain, let yourself grieve, accept the love and kindness of others, and don't admonish yourself for missing your Dad - take time to remember, to love, and to grieve.

May God bless you.

Answer 3

I lost my dad on August 20th of this year.

For me it's my spiritual belief that has helped me most. I know the body is just a shell and that his soul is taking a break. I also know he'll be back when he is ready. I knew that he was leaving that night or the next day. Meaning the night of the 19th or the 20th. It was the first time I had felt death around him. After he died when I walked in his room his body was still laying there. I knew he no longer was in that body. For that fact he had left. He wasn't hanging around nor has been. My mom hasn't felt him there either.

Some people will grieve more intensely than others. My sister did. It was terrible to watch. The rest of us were more reserved. Grieve in the way that is best for you. Don't let anyone tell you that you are grieving too strongly or not enough.

I don't know what Muslims believe happens after death and as for prayers... I'd say wing it. Say one that just comes from your heart. Let it all spill out. I'm sorry for your loss.

Answer 4

With my mom, it was a little different than your dad. When my mother got diagnosed with liver cancer, it was too late to do anything - they gave her three weeks max. Not a long time, but we had time to come to grips with things before she died - sooner than they predicted.

How I coped... I believe that when we die, we return to God. I knew she had gone to a better place than this world had ever been for her. I was happy for her because of that - she was free of the constraints and hardship of her human life (long story). But still I grieved, because I missed (and still do) her.

It is a strange thing to lose a parent. At once you feel like a lost child, and yet pushed toward adulthood. I remember thinking, "I am a motherless child." That changed me somehow.

Your feelings are normal, hon. The sadness, the crying, everything. The physical effects are troublesome, and I would let the doctors and your family help you as much as possible. Stay healthy - your father would want you to. Keep up with your prayers and stay close to God. Let time do its work as well, as time is the only thing that can really make it better.

It will get better. Don't force yourself to be on a schedule for 'getting over it.' Everyone grieves in their own time and fashion.

Hon, I believe your father is fine. I think I've read somewhere that Allah doesn't condemn people because they are not Muslim. Something about, Allah forgives who he chooses...

I wish I could help you more. I feel for you. Take time, lean on people who want to help you, and know that your father is just fine.

I'm so sorry.

Answer 5

I have gone through the same thing with the loss of my mother in 2004. She was my best friend and the loneliness I feel sometimes is so over whelming I still have anxiety attacks.

I find myself talking to her. I get so angry sometimes that I just start yelling at the sky and this wind comes across my face and soothes me. I go to her grave site and sit there and talk to her about everyday things. I let the emotions flow, the hurt, the sadness, the peacefulness at knowing she is home, in Heaven. I truly believe that she talks to me, she shows me signs, she lets me know she is there. Her favorites were butterflies, and the day we laid her to rest, a monarch came up and laid right on her coffin as it was lowered into the grave. She would always say to me when I was feeling down, "When you find a penny and it is heads up, always know that is me shinning on you there". When we were leaving the cemetery that day, there was something laying on the new dirt that caught my eye because of the sunshine, it was a brand new heads up, shinny copper penny...and I have found plenty sense.
The loss hasn't gone away, but knowing and believing that someday I will spend eternity with her, makes it a little more bearable.
God Bless.

Answer 6

I am so sorry for your loss and I hope I do not offend you with my response. My father died 12 years ago, and I still struggle with the loss. He was also a Christian as I am. Even though my father is gone, I can rest assure that I will see him again.

It says in Romans that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ, not even death. It also says that God has victory over death and that there is no sting in it anymore because we are promised eternal life (1 Corinthians 15), and my favorite verse in John 11:25 I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me, even though he dies, shall live. We actually put this verse on his tombstone.

I'm sorry that I can't comfort you as a Muslim, but salvation is never guaranteed in your religion. Know that your father, as a Christian, was guaranteed a life that will never end. Rejoice in that.

Answer 7

This is a very hard question to answer. I will just have to give you my thoughts based on my own Christianity. I feel joy that your father had accepted Jesus Christ as his Saviour. I feel that he will experience eternal peace and love in the presence of God.

I lost both of my parents from cancer within a period of 2 years. I felt cheated. I felt depressed. That was 20 years ago. Still, once in a while when I see someone my age out shopping with their elderly mother, the feelings flood over me again. Grief is overpowering sometimes, but God in His mercy gives us strength to make it from one day to the next. And, eventually, all the negative memories (sickness, funeral) fade away, and only the good memories come to mind. What a merciful God to give us minds with which to hold onto those memories.

Just pray, and try to remember the good times. It will become easier as time goes by.

Answer 8

You have my sympathy. I am very sorry for your loss.

Honestly, it's a day-to-day thing.

I lost my grandmother in 2005 and it still hurts and I still miss her. I try to think of it this way: She was Christian and I am not, and Christians believe in heaven. If there is a heaven, I know that she is there. And from what I've heard, her heaven is a better place than earth will ever be.

Eventually, the robot thing will go away. One night, I have a cry...my first in years. I was a long and hard one. I cried myself to sleep. But when I woke up, I felt better. One day, you will wake up and feel better. Just live your days thinking that this day is one more day that you are getting closer to feeling better.

Answer 9

Asalamalakum sister,

Insha'Allah u are doing alright. What ur going thru is the normal process of grieving. Remember what God said: "to Him we are of and to Him we shall return." The Quran says:

"Any who believe in God and the Last Day and do good deeds shall have their just reward with their lord; on them shall be no fear nor shall they grieve."

In the end, we are on this Earth for only a VERY short time. Our bodies will return to dust and our souls will be united with God insha'Allah.

Answer 10

Yup I've misplaced it often to not so severe relationships, however my one true love, I've invariably made certain that I regain that loving feeling everytime I sense I 'm dropping it. Being married is completely distinct to being simply in a relationship, i've normally verified that in marriage being in love is a option- but it surely's now not what concerns most, what issues most is staying in love.