My fiancee and I are getting married on 10/20, and over the course of the last year, his mother has been battling cervical cancer. We thought she was in the clear early in the year, so we got everything planned. A couple months ago we were given the bad news: it spread viciously (stage IVb) and we're not sure how long she has. She's deteriorating every day and might not be able to attend. We nixed the idea of moving it up, we don't want her to think we're "rushing" her or showing any signs of something being wrong. We will do our best to carry on no matter what the circumstances. If she is still here we'll visit her and have a "mock" ceremony after the church and before the reception. If she's not with us, we'll try to do our best to continue with our plans.
I'm just wondering has anyone had to go through this before, with a parent? How did you cope with it? We're you able to go through with it? We're both obviously very down but looking so forward to this day.
2007-09-04 09:22:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I just wanted to add - we're not hiding anything from her or not acknowledging the condition. She too, is aware of this. We will speak to her in a couple of weeks to tell her of our plans, we are in no way writing her off. As of now she is on so many painkillers and when she's not sleeping, she's very agitated and won't talk of any of it. We've been keeping her very much involved as we can. In the last two weeks it has gotten alot worse to where conversation is almost impossible. Getting her to the church will also probably not be an option, she is bed-ridden and getting worse. Believe me, I'm not trying to be negative, just realistic. I'd take her place if I could. I guess that's why I was really looking for responses from people that have gone through this, and how they coped with it. We already know what we're doing, I was just curious on how others handled it. Thanks, kindly.
2007-09-04 09:47:56 · update #1
I am sure she would still want you to go on with your plans regardless.
Is there no way at all you could hire a nurse and an ambulance to get her to the wedding for at least the ceremony? There may still be a way to get her there.
Dont write her off yet.
But if you cant get her there, I am sure you can make a video of the day and make a special visit to her before setting off on your honeymoon.
Death is just another sad part of life. If she is gone on to a better place by the wedding date, maybe burn a candle for her during the ceremony and remember her somehow special in a way she would of liked.
For now, involve her as much as you can in conversations and planning about the wedding. That way she will have something at least to look forward to and think about. It may give her the strength to hold on at least so she can attend.
Keep positive with her as much as you can.
Good luck......and best wishes to you.
2007-09-04 09:38:19 · answer #1 · answered by bluegirl6 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
What a clash of joy and sorrow all at once. I'm sorry.
I don't know that you need to have a mock ceremony, but making her feel honored and loved is a sweet thing to do. It's quite a change from a lot of the questions around here, too, I might add.
2007-09-04 10:10:55 · answer #2 · answered by Bill 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes...future sis in law went in to a coma. It was devistating but the Mom came anyway even though she was a wreck. If you should proceed with your plans, make the most of what you have and leave your emotions aside until you have private time together. It takes very strong people to do that and you really need to consider all the alternatives before continuing with your plans. Best wishes and I am sorry to hear about her taking such a bad turn.
2016-04-03 03:31:39 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry you guys are having to go through this, and so sorry for mom's illness.
Since you're looking for different viewpoints, I'm going to present the case for speeding things up -- that's what my husband and I did. My Dad had chronic cardiovascular problems coupled with prostate cancer -- he wasn't terminal yet, but it was apparent to us that his ability to enjoy a wedding would not be for much longer. When my husband proposed in March '04, we decided to put everything in high gear and get the wedding done ASAP. So we planned a destination wedding in Las Vegas for about 50 people -- did it in about 4 months.
Did I have great food? No, but it was good. Were my flowers perfect? No, but they look nice in the pictures. Dress of my dreams? Nah, but I don't look too old, too young, too skanky, or too princessy, either. But I had my Dad there, and he walked me down the aisle, and shook hands with my husband and said "Welcome to the family."
He started deteriorating pretty quickly thereafter, and we lost him just over a year later.
I'd urge you and your fiance to reconsider moving up the event so mom can share the day. Think of this time with mom as a "farewell tour" (that's how I referred to the last 18 months I had with my Dad). You're not rushing her -- you're filling her plate with as many beautiful memories as you can in the limited time she has left (however long that may be).
Good luck - these are hard choices.
2007-09-04 10:41:22 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I have absolutely no idea what this must be like for you or your fiance, but I can imagine what its like for her, being a mother myself. I know you are probably trying to be very sensitive towards her, but I would remind you of this one thing, it is every mother's worst nightmare not to be there with her children as they grow up. The thought of missing anything in my daughters lives just eats me up to the point that sometimes I cant shake it and become very sad and depressed. I would imagine that the reason she is agitated during her lucid moments is because she knows what is happening and that she is dealing with the realization that she will be missing so much of her son's life, as well as any other children's lives that she has. She wont see the weddings, grandchildren, life moments that we all dream about when those babies are in our tummies. When you are a mom you are used to having your kids depend on you and realizing that you arent going to be around anymore makes you feel as if you are abandoning your babies, because nobody can take a mother's place. And its frightening to think of your kids alone without you to take care of them any longer.
I think you are right in going forward with your plans and involving her as much as possible, but I would really stress to you to have your fiance spend as much time with her as possible and not just regarding wedding stuff, be sure he sees her just because she is his mom and she knows he wont have her for much longer. He will never regret any special time he spends with her and neither will you.
2007-09-04 10:28:59 · answer #5 · answered by kateqd30 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Depends on the person but, 'Life goes on' is always a good theme. Remember the line: "If I knew the world would end tomorrow I would plant an apple tree today."
About attending: How about a 'live internet feed' You can even have two way comunication. Just a thought.
2007-09-04 09:31:33 · answer #6 · answered by Puppy Zwolle 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋