months and the first two months were great, but then he pulled this I'm not ready for serious relationship because of his last break-up and that he just needs time to himself. I confronted him about the fact that I think that if he thought I was the right one he would get over and want to be with me. He denied that and still tells me that he cares about and likes me so much and that he is sad how things turned out. I think he's just sad that I wasn't the one, that's what I think. I really want to be with him and only him, but I can't be with someone who sees no potential for a possible future. We are both 23 and I don't want to get married anytime soon, but still. It just hurts so much. I just can't do the "casual" thing. He still wants to see me and he calls me EVERY night even though I told him he doesn't need to feel obligated. FYI-and he doesn't want to keep seeing me because he is getting free sex. I don't sleep with a guy that isn't my boyfriend. What should I do?
2007-09-04 08:35:59 · 20 answers · asked by Psychgirl35 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I have a completely different take on this.
I dated a girl who had been in a series (2 or 3) of breakups, where she had a lot invested emotionally. It left her not wanting another serious involvement. What she needed most of all was a really good friend, and the relationship morphed into more a very strong friendship. She was, after a month or so, ready for another more romantic relationship and, as her friend who had been there for her all along, I was the obvious choice.
Depending on how much this guy had invested emotionally in this past relationship, it's going to take a little while to heal. Right now, what he really needs is a really good friend, and you are the one who should fill that role.
He calls you every night, not because he feels obligated, but because he doesn't want to lose your friendship. You can be his support and, when he's ready, he'll feel more like you want him to feel. So give him a little space, act like a friend and, if it's meant to be, it'll find a way to happen. Show a little patience, OK? And good luck to the both of you.
2007-09-04 08:54:48 · answer #1 · answered by Bill F 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say you want to be with him, but you are not serious enough to get married. You can't have it both ways. You should both have a very serious discussion about what it means to be an adult. By this I mean that you need to decide together what you both want. It sounds like he is trying to decide for himself if he is ready for another serious relationship and is scared that he actually is and is thinking about how hurt he was when his last relationship ended and he probably doesn't want that to happen with you. You do not say how long it was between the end of his last relationship and when you two started dating, which would make a difference in whether he was just trying to string you along or not. Obviously he does care, since he calls every night. Maybe he needs reassurance that you will not do the same thing as the last girl? On the other hand you have to tell him that he cannot expect you to make the sacrifice of yourself and your self worth and respect to let him see you casually when you want more of a commitment from him? Maybe you could make an agreement that if he is faithful to you (that means he is not sleeping around) that you would allow him some time (say 3 months) to himself to figure out it you are "the one." This means you might want to consider having sex with him during this 3 month time frame. Additionally, you would both be able to meet other people, even date other people, as long as it does NOT include any extracurricular activities with another person. If either of you find someone else that you are strongly attracted to and really want to have sex with you should find it in your own heart and mind that you should have RESPECT for the other person to not do that without telling them first. Otherwise it could be construed as distrustful and once you lose trust and faith in the credibility of a person it is hard to earn it back. This is a test of the honesty, integrity and truth in both your heart & souls. This is an open and honest relationship which allows you both some breathing room and if you decide during those 3 months that you cannot wait to be with him or he you, then it should be apparent that you are should be together and stop goofing around, admit to your commitment! Also, he needs to stop calling you every night! At least for three weeks to help clear the air after your talk.
2007-09-04 09:13:26 · answer #2 · answered by BleedingHeart 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think he's ready to get involved in another relationship. It's good that he realizes that he is not ready and that he is not using you for sex. Maybe he thought that he was over his ex but then he realized that he is not ready. You've only dated him casually for 3 months, so, I don't think that you got in to deep with him yet. Let him go and move on. There are a lot of other fish in the sea and you are still young. It is not worth it to bother yourself with it. Don't talk to him anymore and don't see him anymore. Make it clear to him that you understand his situation, but, you are not going to wait and put your life on hold for something that might happen in a few months or a year or never. Go out there, have fun, and maybe you will find somebody who shares the same feelings as you.
2007-09-04 08:48:06 · answer #3 · answered by Caitlyn 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear.. this happens. What can I say. Guys in their teens to twenties will go for anything that will fall for them. Unfortunately you are hooked so the free sex thing will keep happening until you fall out of love. It's just a matter of when. Lucky for you it's only been three months. Really the roots for this relationship is not that deep. Realize this, pull it off the ground and plant it somewhere else.
2007-09-04 10:00:12 · answer #4 · answered by darmonx 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Totally withdraw from him. Don't call him. Don't see him. Wait at least a week before making any contact with him. Then, when the time is right, call him. But don't make a big deal about anything. Just be casual. Pretend that you are starting from scratch and that you are just getting to know him. See how he responds. Give him lots of breathing room and time away from him. Don't smother him or crowd him in. Then, after a week, see how he's feeling.
2007-09-04 08:41:57 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I as a man just had a similar experience with one of my ex girlfriends using me as a yo yo. When confronted about the whole "wanting to have your cake and eat it too" expression, she denied it even though I know she's b.s.ing me. I agree with some of the other people here in saying that you should drop him fast. Believe me, you'll be better in the long run. Besides, you always have your other friends to back you up during the whole breakup thing and to support your decision. Best of luck to you, and God bless!
2007-09-04 08:43:44 · answer #6 · answered by Nick B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm.. well it doesn't sound to me like he is using you for anyhing since you pointed out that you haven't had sex with him. You can't force a guy to be in a serious relationship with you if he says he isn't ready. Your best bet is to start acting like you don't care that much.. maybe he will fear losing you and that you've moved on and then want to be with you. Sometiems that is what it takes for a guy to realize his feelings. If he gets scared of losing you or that you don't care anymore he will act differently. It's not playing games with him.. it's just a way to get him to want to be with you :) good luck.
2007-09-04 08:41:33 · answer #7 · answered by linz 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like only one person wants this relationship . . . you . . . it's time to let go and move on. Yes, it does hurt when someone you like doesn't like you back, but you can't change them, only you, so now you need to do the right thing, back off from him, distance yourself and ease yourself toward a new future, without him. Trust me, you'll meet someone else. The hardest thing is moving on from what's familiar, and you've gotten used to him and he's what's familiar, but with time that will change, but give it time and move forward.
2007-09-04 08:45:26 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would just leave him alone for a while and ask him to stop calling you because he is sleeping with other girls he might have been cheating on you when you two where dating but i am not sure because i have never been in this kind of situation..Sorry..and Good Luck!!
2007-09-04 08:42:39 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are going to be hurt just avoid him. Maybe, if he stops hearing from you (every night on the phone) he will start missing you and he will realize exactly what he feels. Sometimes distance solves the problem.
2007-09-04 08:44:33 · answer #10 · answered by Claudia ARP 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋