When your wife's (or husband's) family is behaving rudely, who should address the problem?

Question

When your spouses family is being rude, should you, or your spouse address the problem?

For me, I always confront my family members, and do so quickly, when they say things that are offensive to my wife (ie political references, personal beliefs, etc.). However, when my wife's family makes rude comments she does nothing about it.

I do not want to create an adversarial relationship with my in-laws by arguing, but my wife won't "step up to the plate" and address the rudeness. What do you do? What do you suggest?

Answer 1

The person most closely related to the trouble makers should address the problem. I'd suggest you sit down with your wife sometime when you are both relaxed and talk about this. Maybe if she knows how much this bothers you and has a plan ahead of time on how to confront her family she'll take more initiative.

However, life is also full of compromises. Pick your battles carefully. There's not really a need to confront everyone on every difference of opinion. My DH and I usually save the stepping in confrontations for times when personal opinions boil over into prejudices or attacks.

Answer 2

Whenever there is a problem in my husband's family, he deals with it. Not because I am uncomfortable with dealing with conflict, but because this is his family and he should be the one to show that we are united by standing up to them. On the other hand, when there are problems in my family, I would prefer if he let me handle them. He has on occassion dealt with problems in a very angry/emotional way and even gone so far as to tell my family that if the problem does not change we will leave and not come back. If the problem were to persist, I would find myself in an awkward situation of having to tell my parents (whom I love) that I will be leaving with my husband. I couldn't change what he said and there would be future problems because of his quick temper.
I prefer to deal with problems in a less confrontational way. If someone is being rude, I simply remove myself and husband and children from the situation until I have the opportunity to go back to that family member and (in private) discuss why their behavior is unacceptable.
Perhaps your wife simply does not know how to deal with the rudeness, or does not see the behavior as rude. Maybe she simply sees a different method of handling the problem, but you jump to the defensive and do not allow her to handle it at all. I can't say without more information, but I would suggest that the best way to handle the problem is to simply tell your wife that you expect her to "step up to the plate" as you say and deal with the problem. Then allow her to deal with the problem in her own way. If you don't like the way she is handling things, you'll need to have a talk with her about expectations. Simply put, your expectations in the matter are causing the conflict, not her reaction to rudeness.

Answer 3

suppose the start is with your spouse. she has to learn responsibilities of course, without a doubt. But then again, she may know the familly better, and certain things may be best left as it is, as it may mean nothing/will pass over/they will forget it/is just the spur of the moment. However, if you've already explained things damn clearly to her, and she still ignores things that you consider serious (check first if it is worth getting serious about. U cant be adamant/serious with every issue with every person in the world.. recipe for discontentment) then you can go over this line and tell them your appreciation of the matter.

Answer 4

Doesn't matter. Once you are part of the family, YOU are part of the family.

Let your spouse know that you intend to stop this behavior next time it happens. She needs to understand that as part of the family you will be respected as her husband and seek her support or it will be the last time you will be attending any family gatherings on her side.

It is easier to stand up for yourself and have her cover your back. If she does the standing up, her family might perceive weakness on your end. You don't want that.

Answer 5

As somebody who has even have been given the young infants and relatives provider historic past (different than we call it newborn protection and risk-free practices over right here) i could have completed the main suitable comparable element as you have completed. Your husbands Ex is abusing her means as a central authority Officer and as such is in breach of many codes of habit besides as specialist prepare. notwithstanding if via bringing those concerns to gentle makes issues "worse" for you (we they are able to do - because of the fact if she isn't reprimanded then she is going to come returned decrease back with a fiery vengeance) then a minimum of you have it on checklist which you have made the criticism. additionally shop a nicely documented magazine of all telephone calls (tape checklist them in case you are able to), emails, text textile messages, letters, etc so as which you have actual info of the harassment she is inflicting. If the dep. won't do something, then touch the police and lay costs against her for "harassment and threats to reason injury" and probably take out a restraining order that she is to not come close to or touch your loved ones. She is a bully ... and in case you do not face up to her, then she is in basic terms going to maintain making your lives depressing. i desire that issues artwork out for you

Answer 6

I think the two of you need to discuss this together. Your wife should not allow her family to be rude in your home anymore than you allow yours to be. Otherwise you get left with the option of leaving the room when they get carried away. It's hard enough to deal with this rudeness in outside social settings. You shouldn't have to deal with it in the family.

Answer 7

Its your wifes job to confront any rude remarks. You should not say anything. I would have a meeting with your wife expressly about this problem. Tell her that something has to change now.

Answer 8

she may not know how to step up and she may feel as if this is normal ... some families are rude and that's just the dynamics of the family. I would not spend time with them or if you have to, do not engage in any talks with them.

Answer 9

If you have talked to your wife about it and she does nothing, then step up yourself. Of course, choose your battles. Decide first if it is really worth an argument. These things tend to linger once they get started. good-luck.

Answer 10

My husband and I have a rule, if there is a problem with my family then I deal with it and if there is a problem with his family then he deals with it, that way there aren't any hard feelings.