Should I have kids?

Question

I'm 32 and single. I've debated whether to marry and have kids for my entire adult life, recognizing what important, permanent, and life-changing decisions they are.

I've heard plenty of arguments against both and have always wondered if my independent, free-spirited personality could deal with sharing every aspect of my life with another person without grwoing terribly annoyed with them, or locking myself into the commitment of children, because if I were a parent, I would be the most responsible and attendant parent ever.

I cringe at the sound of babies crying. I can't walk down the diaper aisle in stores because I hate the smell of baby wipes. And, while I admit I would be amazed to create and nurture a life, I am also generally annoyed by imaturity, even that of a child.

I've been told this will change as I grow older, and if so I want to have kids before I'm old enough for it to be too late. I'm afraid of being old and alone but also afraid of being sorry I did it.

Please don't accuse me of having issues and being selfish as one of the first responders did. I recognize that I am very focussed on myself and my life, but that does not make me a selfish person. I happen to be one of the most caring and self-sacrificing people I know. There are many details about this decision that I did not include in the original question because you are only given so much space to write and I was conserving space to get to the point. But I have other reasons for questioning this decision, like for example the fact that I've had a very hard life and have pondered the morality of bringing another life into this difficult world.

Mean answers are pointlessly hurtful and I would love to see certain members of this community mature past them to actually access the humanity inside that could probably provide valuable insight into a serious life decision.

Thanks to everybody else for the wonderful responses. They're are very helpful!

Answer 1

Sounds like the perfect situation to adopt an older childer.

Answer 2

No you shouldn't. Not wanting to be alone and (maybe) being sorry you didn't aren't strong enough reasons. Children can bring unimaginable aggravation, stress, worry, grief - but you can stand it because you wildly love them more than your life. It's stunning to look at your children & think "I have something I wouldn't take a billion dollars for." If you're single, and if this is an intellectual exercise for you, do NOT do this. Marriage and children are what you do if you can't imagine your life without these people in it, not because you thought of it as something you "should" do. If you have a change of heart in about 10 years, you'll still be able to adopt. Right now, you're not a good candidate, because a child would be more of a profound change than you can imagine. It's a lifelong commitment not to be entered into lightly, not a toy you can put away if you're bored or a pet you can give to a friend if they get to be too much work. My best friend and a cousin don't have children, are not married & they know they made the right choice - one is 51, one is 46, both with very demanding careers. Motherhood isn't for everyone, and for very few single by choice women. It takes a special amount of patience and selflessness.

Answer 3

Children will change your lifestyle and certainly your sleeping habits. As a father of 3 grown children (boys) I look back and it was great. Sure there were challenges. One of my sons and his wife had 2 children and she said no more. When she realized she was pregnant for a 3rd child she went into a denial that she was even pregnant. Hospital tests later showed that she would be having twins. At the time of twins birth she had boy age 0, girl age 0, boy age 2, girl age 3. Now that is more than a hand full. The twins are now just over 1 year old. She is talking about having more children. What a surprise! This mother is the youngest of 3 sisters and the only one married. She is now about 26.
I cannot image any woman wanting to have a child outside of a marriage. Because this is such a challenge that a spouse is very help full in raising the children. Try to find a good husband who will commit himself to you and your family. I feel sorry for those single moms who face such overwhelming challenges of raising children without support of a good spouse.
Should you decide to have children best wishes to you and work at making your own good luck.
Should you decide not to have children ... the next time you think of buying something insignificant or not very meaningful...stop...make a donation to a local orphanage instead. It will make a difference and you will feel great about it.

Answer 4

Wow. Such an important and potentially life changing question to be put forth on this type of forum. No-one can tell you whether to have kids or not, only you can make that decision. However, if you re-read through your own question, I bet you find the answer.

You're 32, yet you mention changing "when I get older." Just how much older do you expect to be before this miraculous change occurs with regards to how you feel about baby wipes, and sharing your life, and your intolerance for annoying childhood immaturity? You sound extremely wrapped up in yourself and your life, which is fine, because right now, that's all you have to be responsible for - yourself. You have every right to lead your life as you see fit. But what wouldn't be fine is to have that attitude and yet be responsible for another human being who, believe me, WILL be annoying at some time or another and who are extremely HIGH MAINTENANCE. A baby, toddler and child will utterly depend on you for everything and I mean everything. As a teenager and young adult, they will not be quite so dependent, but they'll still need you for guidance and stability which are not easy to maintain unless you're fully dedicated.

It comes down to this: Unless you're completely and wholeheartedly willing to put your life on the back-burner from the time a child is born until they become a successful adult, then re-think your plan to have kids, because it won't be for you.

Answer 5

First of all, baby wipes do not smell even when the box is opened. That is the weirdest thing I've heard today. Secondly, just because you have a child doesn't mean you can't be independent and free-spirited. You just have more responsibility and your child will always come first over yourself. And thirdly, you can't just marry someone just because. You have to fall in love, then get married, and then and only then will you want to have a child with your husband because you love eachother so much. Having children should not be on some kind of "things to do" list. A child is created out of love and you will love the child more than anything. You are still young so don't rush things. It will happen when it's suppose to.

Answer 6

I am in a similiar position. I am 34, and I. too, share your feelings about babies. Babies are an annoyance to me, and I deplore their crying and the misbehavior i constantly see in public. I want them to shut up and act like decent human beings, but I realize that is probably asking a bit too much. I've never been close to marriage, but I did move in with a girl last year thinking that I was old enough to put an end to my free- living bachelor ways and settle into some domestic partnership that may ultimitely lead to marriage. Like you, I thought that maybe with age I would change and become more marriage- minded and baby enamored. The reality was that I ended up finding that I am exactly the same person I was at 25. Living with someone and resigning myself to a loss of freedom, independance, and personal living space was a big mistake. Before leaving the situation and going back to a single lifestyle after 8 months, I found myself depressed and lamenting the mistake I made. I put on a lot of weight during that time, was irritable, unambitious, and felt despondant about the reality that i could never go out on another date or sleep with another girl for the rest of my life. My view has always been that marriage is like doing time- a man made prison where you forfeit your personal freedoms and independence to enter a compound with a permanent cellmate surrounded by high walls and facing an eventual death sentence. Being just a step away from that, I discovered that age DOES NOT change you in some way. The way you feel toward marriage and babies is a reflection of your own values and will not change with age. Just like a man's taste in women. If you are 20 or 73 you will always be attracted to the same type of girls. My advice to use is to be true to yourself and don't fool yourself into thinking that age will "mature" you or change how you feel about those things. Society places this pressure on us to have babies and marry, but it is not healthy and not something we should feel obligated to do. For the men who embrace their bachelor lifestyles I commend them, because you will always be invigorated by meeting new women, and if one does not work out you can always meet another who may be better than the last. I think that keeps us younger, and more vital, and more alive as human beings. As they say, the chase is often better than the catch. Once you settle for marriage, you are denying yourself so much in life, and assuring yourself a quick, dehabilitating death, denying yourself the very attributes and impulses that make us men.

Answer 7

Honestly? I don't think you should. If you were, say, 20 and felt this way I'd say, oh, things will cahnge, you'll grow more tolerant, sow your wild oats, etc. But youa re 32 and still feel this way.

There is no law that says you have to have kids. Maybe you'll be, like, an awesome aunt or something, make an impact in a kid's life that way. But it sounds to me like you'd be happier without.

Best-DN

Answer 8

If you do not think you want kids, don't have them. You can't put them back! I have always known I wanted to have children and there are some days when they drive me bananas. Don't get me wrong, I would never trade them for anything (privacy in the bathroom included) but they can try your patience. If you are not sure that you wnat them, don't do it. If you end up regretting it, your children will suffer and no child deserves that.

Answer 9

I'm counting a considerable amount of "I's" in your question:
I can't stand...
I cringe
I want
I did

That's the thing about parenting. It's not about you.

NO JUDGEMENT, but maybe you should table the issue for now. 32 is still young enough. You can freeze your eggs to be on the safe side.

Answer 10

If you don't like babies...don't have them. It doesn't sound to me that you'd truly want to . And don't feel bad about it. Sheesh we women are made to feel bad if we don't have the mothering instinct. It's good when you do realize it before you bring another soul into the world
There are enough children in the world and frankly no one ever said that you had to have them.