Problem adoption, my family needs help??!!!?

Question

Hi there. This question is for my mother. A few days ago she posted a question under myself asking for help with a problem adoption. I could NOT beleive the responses she got & how so many viewed her negatively.

My parents adopted a young boy a few years ago. We all accepted this beautiful little red-headed child as part of our family. My parents spoiled him... He was in trouble in school a bit nothing major. One day my mom and dads world fell apart. They received a call from my cousin saying my brother molested her son and he finally talked to her about this. At this moment my brother was at boy scout camp. He was sent away immediatly. Only to tell counsolers he moslested 11 other victims while living at my parents home. One was my 2 month old son.

They tried to have the adoption over turned with no success. It looks like they stand to lose everything they own. There are $150,000+ costs aleady for care. His sexual issues were never addressed to them before the adoption. Help?!

If you wish to say that he is a victim... The poor boy... blah, blah, blah... DON"T BOTHER. He STOPPED being a victim the day he 'claimed' to touch my child. If he did he can be lucky I didn't catch him. I would not be here blogging right now, but my parents would not be going thru this either. Victims do not harm others. So, if you choose to think of him as a victim... Welcome him in your home. Let him around your babies. And then lets talk. Do not judge a good family in a bad situation unless you walk the road in our shoes.

They hired a lawyer to try to over-turn the adoption. Where they are right now is the judge decided he could not over turn the adoption. No adoption has ever been over-turn in this state. And it looks as thou he didn't want to try it. Now they (my parents) are being suied by the county they adopted the boy at for facility expenses, treatment, medication... Over $150,000 worth. Plus child support for a child they took into their home, loved and he harmed their loved ones. The lawyer they have now has all but thrown in the towel claiming that it might cost more to fight this than they have.

eyetwinkles2:
First of all. WE DO NOT WANT HIM IN OUR FAMILY! HE VIOLATED A 2 MONTH old baby... What is wrong with you??? If that was your child he violated would you want him to remain 'your brother'. Would you allow him around your children? Why should may family have to suffer because of this child?? I DID NOT ADOPT HIM. My parents did. He is now a 14 year old pedifile. I do not need to identify what he is or what he'll become. He has had chance after chance. Knows no boundaries, had no limitations. And IF my baby was abused for years by him and then acted out... I would be in jail. How about you welcome him into your home for a day... Around your children?? Let him violate your loved ones. Then lets talk.

De: Victims DO NOT harm others. Don't give me your crap. He is in treatment currently... still trying to victimize others including teachers. Toss your opinions out the window. If he does not wantto change, he will not change.

LC:
He was 10 when they adopted him. Almost 14 now. And don't go there. No one in our family touched him. My 'Mommy alert' started flashing after I gave birth to my son. He always wanted to be in the room during diaper changes. Would run to get there. I told my mother and she thought I was crazy. I wasn't a It wasn't until after they sent him away my parents started researching and found the people who fostered him before they adopted him. He molested one family's 2 dogs. They had to be put to sleep. Another family's daughter... And so on and so on. This childs path he laid behind him was a terrible one. All horrible acts... All families were kept in th dark about previous placements and told he had no issues. All families showed up at my parents hearing with the judge and told their horror stories. All families forever scared because of one little boy with BIG problems the system neglected and used my parents as fall guys.

RavenScout: First of all thank you from the bottom of my heart for your help and your answer. Yes, they have adopted him through the state (Pennsylvania) and adoption service. Yes they did receive a subsidy for him. Which they no longer receive and (I agree) should stay with the child. In addition to the subsidy, (my father is disabled) they want $500 of his disability each month, my mother works - they also want x number of dollars out of her pay each month in addition to all of the above for child support. PLUS they want all of the monies for the bill so far accrued for his treatment facility, meals, housing, schooling... ect. Which total over $150,000. That is all of what they want at the current time. If my parents sign over their rights, they will still be heald responsible finacially for him is what they are being told. It seems to me like an unfair, no win situation.
Please, if you have any additional info contact me @ [e-mail].

Thank you.

Lyn

Joslin: First of all you have no clue anything about my family. We do not see in color when it comes to people. My mother was a coordinator for the Fresh-Air Fund for 12 years. We have an extended family of hispanic and black brothers and sisters that will forever be in our lives. Please do not go there. And as for your rudeness in 'Victims do not harm others'. I really do not care what you think. Unless he or someone has sexually assulted your child I guess a person such as yourself would say "Awwww... he is a victim". I imagine you to be a young woman without children... It all changes when you become a mother. My parents ignored nothing to adopt this child. IT WAS WITHHELD FROM THEM. Aparently you neglected to read that part. They were told he was bi-polar and had behavior issues, NOT sexual issues! And further more, IF they sign rights over they are still finanically obligated to pay for him. So, where does that get him because the system screwed them and created him??

Orak:
Umm... NO, the child IS NOT my mothers biological son. She and my father adopted him from the state. If he was her biological son, he wouldn't be so messed up in his mind... And she would no be in the situation. Think about it.

Answer 1

I'm so very very sorry that this has happened to you and your family. Both the family you have with your child, and the family you have with your parents and this child, with the State not giving you the whole truth. That is criminal within itself. They have put too many at risk and it sounds like too many have been hurt by their lies and deception.

I am taking it that your parents adopted from the State and the foster care system. Am I correct?

I don't know your State, and I don't know the State laws. However, the Judge is not the last voice in this.

I understand you are more than angry with this little boy. I could explain the scenario to you of how he got that way, but I don't think it would help you at this point. Instead, let's just talk about your parents options here, and how to get them achieved.

Your parents should have signed an adoption contract with Family Services when they adopted. Because he was 10, they probably kept the State insurance, and kept a subsidy amount for him that they are paid monthly. The child support that you are talking about, I think is probably the State saying that they want the subsidy amount back while he is in care. Which is normal. He's not in their home, so the money would follow him. However, they wouldn't be paying the bill for that time either.

You parents need to contact their adoption case worker, and revisit their case to renegotiate the terms of the adoption. An adoption is just like a child it is forever. However, it is a spotlight issue currently in many States for the exact issues you have described. Your parents also need to go up the chain in the cabinet, contact the ombudsman, and then go through the main Family Service office in your Capitol up to the Commissioner, then to your Governor. You should also have a Foster or Adoptive Association if not in your County, then a State one. Have you parents contact them for assistance. With the State Association they will be able to help your parents navigate the ins and outs of who and how to speak to each person they need to. Your local Association should have representatives on the State level. All of that is free, or at a minimal cost of $50 or less.

Did the attorney take sworn statements from the other families? That would be helpful to show pattern, and blatant intent at Family Services covering up known problems. Document Document Document and take it all with you.

If I was helpful, and I can be of service let me know. I'm so very sorry that this has happened to you and your family. I've heard of cases just like yours.

Actually look for an interview done with Diane Sawyer on a girl about a year ago that was also placed in a group home because of her issues. She can't be brought back home to her adoptive home because she said she knows that she will sexually abuse someone. The adoptive parents can't bring her home because of other children in the home that would be in danger.

*** Is he still on a medical card through the State? Is it the Dr's and Hospital's that want the 150,000 or the State? If he's on the medical card still, then it should pick it up. If he is and they aren't paying, then contact the medical card company and they have too, involve the adoption worker with this, tell the Medical physicians about the problem. If he's not on the card, again contact the adoption worker. At his age he should have come with it in the beginning. Period. With or withoug problems known to them because of his age group. With the problems known, they should have made sure they covered more so. There may also be a department there that that is just devoted to trying to help adoptive families in crisis so that they do not terminate adoption. Also, has this story been picked up by the a news channel? Go the proper route, if nothing happens, call in the best bulldog one you can find, and perhaps it will go national. You're family is not alone. The cabinet doesn't give full disclosure on many things across the Country. Most of the time it's not this bad. But it does happen. From abuse, to exposure in the womb, to genetic problems such as bi-polar. Sometimes they are so desperate to place a child they think if you fall in love with them, then they will tell you later after the bonding has taken place. By later, I mean years later.

It's late. I'll get you my email in a couple of days.

Answer 2

Well this is not something that is unusual, unfortunately. Often times you will find that young children who have been in abusive situations themselves will "act out". I am saddened to hear that you all want to get rid of this child....I thought you said that you all accepted this child into your lives.

Have you all thought about getting a good Social Worker to help you through this. I realize that once this child abused your own child you have your own feelings to work out, but what about your "brother"?

After working n the DCFS system for 8 years and working in other Agencies another 7 years I have learned that children who act out sexually can either be sexually aggressive (meaning they use threats, manipulations, have anger issues, etc.) then there are those that are sexually reactive (meaning they are imitating what they have learned themselves by being abused by someone). Once you identify what your brother is, you can put a "Protective Plan" in place. This means you need to have a WRITTEN plan that ALL the caretakers can read and sign. For example, if he takes a bus to school, there should be an adult supervising him on the bus. If he has to use the locker room for PE there shold be an adult to supervise him or perhaps he should have a locker that is a safe distance form the other boys. If your baby is in the vacinity of your brother you will need to be there and supervise, boyscouts ...he should not be left alone with other boys.

If you all "get rid" of this child he will be lost in the system until he is an adult and on his own. I dont understand that when you adopted this child didnt you all think that you would be this childs family thorugh thick and thin??? children are not disposable.......what happenes if your baby was abused by your brother for years and then started acting out also..would you get rid of him too????

I read all of ur responses. I completely understand your anger and frustration but if you can't hear what other people have to say then why the hell do you put the question here??? Not everyone thinks the same way you do. If you put a question online here then be prepared for the answers. I am VERY SORRY that I offended you I really did not mean to do that, I was merely letting you know anpother perspective....one that is not so bias (since I do not live with this child). I have had the opportunity to work with these types of children for about 18 years. I saw what they did and how they were treated as a result. I undertsnad that you have your own childs best interest at mind (and I agree and support you on that) BUT I also have to think about what is in the best interest of your brother (SINCE YOU ASKED). I have seen these children get lost in a system that SUCKS! Since he has a family (your parents) then perhaps they need to step up to the plate and try to get him the help he needs. I am sorry that this child has created a huge financial burden but your parents are the ones who should have had all their I's dotted and T's crossed. What attorney did they use??? Perhaps they can go after the attorney they used??? Or the Agency they adopted from (if they did not fully disclose this childs past). AND IN THE MEANWHILE, watch your baby around him like a hawk........and NO I would not let this child into my home around my 6 year old son without the proper supervision. BUT I would be fine with him around my son if I was there to supervise. Dont be so angry at those that have taken the time to write an answerto a question that YOU ASKED! Best of luck to you and your family ....I really mean it.... BTW, you would not go to jail because your brother was abusing your son without your knowledge.....you would have a tremendous amount of guilt but jail time.....

Answer 3

This is a classic example of the cycle of abuse. Your adoptive brother was once a victim and was abused and he is taking out his rage and frustration and what he learned from his abuser on others now. I feel so sorry for you and your family and the boy as well. If the state adoption agency knew of his problems before your parents adopted him (and it sounds as though it did) and they did not inform your parents of the problems, then your parents may be able to sue the state for damages. At the very least, they may be able to get out from under the debt even if the adoption can not be revoked or rescinded. If your parents were told of the boy's issues/history and decided to adopt anyway, then they are stuck with their choice as if they had given birth to this very troubled child. I wish with all my heart that he gets the counseling and care he needs and will be able to get over the harm that was done to him. I also hope that your baby was young enough to not ever remember the molestation and will be as resilient as babies often are. I hope that you have gotten some professional advice on how to deal with this crime against your child. Although I am not a psychiatrist, I have observed that children are often more traumatized by their parent's intense reactions to a harm done to the child than by the harm itself, which the child may not even remember as it grows up (if the parents don't keep talking about it). At 2 months your child will likely recall nothing. Although he was a victim, do not make him feel like one by treating him like one as he grows up. Good luck to you all.

Answer 4

I cannot believe that no one told you about his behavior before the adoption took place. Do you think they were hiding it to get him adopted? Can you sue the agency? I would think this is illegal.

You need a really good family attorney, and you need one fast.

You see these screwed up drug dealers signing away their parental rights all the time. So why do they make it so difficult for you? This child needs to be in a group home of some sort.

If all else fails, go to the media. The newspaper or the news...whoever will listen. You may even want to talk to your local representative.

Answer 5

I think we need to look past the fact that the child was adopted. There are families out there that go through the same thing with bio children or step children (my husband is a police officer and it is sad how many times he gets called to a situation where an older sibling is molesting a younger one). If we do not focus on the fact that the child is adopted, and focus on how to handle this child, it might be a better way to deal with things.

I agree that the child needs help - regardless of whether or not he was adopted or the info was disclosed prior to adoption. If your parents cannot afford the treatment or to place him residentially, the state can help. Call your local Human Services Department - Children & Youth Division and see what resources are available. They should be able to help you and your family.

Good luck.

Answer 6

My advice would be to talk to Department of Human Services or an attorney. I realize that they are out a lot of money to begin with but it might be their only hope. The Department of Human Services might be able to point them in the right direction for free. The attorney will cost money in the long run but at least your parents would be protected legally. The child does not need to be given over to someone else (foster home etc) to violate someone else. He needs serious help and he does not need to be around any other children. I am sorry that you and your family are having to go through this. It is sad that they were not told before the adoption if there was a problem.

Answer 7

You can not over turn the adoption however you can put him up for adoption. Have him turned over as a ward of the state. They are legally his parents and any parent can place their child up for adoption. I would not pay in their case. I would have the child deal with their own problems even if it means they do not provide a lawyer for the child. I understand completely how you feel and sure as hell would not allow anyone who hurt my child to stick around. Take the child to the Department of Children and families and tell them they wish to terminate their parental right and have the child placed in the care of the state because they can not handle him and he is a danger to the rest of the family.

Answer 8

Excuse me -- "Victims do not harm others" ??? What cave have you been living in? Perhaps this is part of the issue. If you recieved your child development education at home, then it is certianly no wonder that your parents were not prepared fo this child's behavior. I am not sure anyone would be fully prepared, by the way, in case you think I am totally unsympathetic. But when are parents going to realize that you cannnot whisk an older abused child out of foster care or an orphanage and then expect them to be all warm and fuzzy normal? They have been traumatized. The results for some are like being in a prison camp!

I am NOT saying this is what your parents did, but so many parents go to great lengths to adopt Caucasian children, by passing up many healthy older minority children. ALL children need and deserve a family and a home. But when parents and/or agencies ignore the real issues in order to adopt a Caucasian child, or agencies decieve in order to place a child, then shame on them! The child is who is hurt the most! THIS child will suffer more in his life than any of his victims. That is not to minimize the victimization that has infiltrated the families he has been with.

But his fault? Not hardly. If your parents cannot parent him they can sign him over to the state and let them treat and house him. I am not sure why this has not been done. It does occasionally happen in adoption -- just like it happens in biological families to the tune of 500,000 abused and neglected children in foster care in the U.S.!

Get this child on SSI/Medicaid and place him in residneital treatment, or place him privately for adoption into a special needs adoptive placment.

Answer 9

I am so, so sorry that your family is going through this. My heart also breaks for the boy who was first betrayed by his biological family and was then betrayed by the foster care system by being placed in a family who was not equipped to deal with his serious problems. Our culture is in love with the idea of adoption and social services use those rosy glasses to place children in families when they really belong in treatment centers.

Your family is not alone in experiencing this tragedy so I suggest that you look for an on-line group of parents who have been placed with children who have pathological behavior problems, many of whom have disrupted their adoptions.

Answer 10

Take the punk for a long drive, thousands of miles away. Drop him off in the woods. Fourteen years old is plenty old enough to know what the hell he is doing. This is a pedophile in training. He has attacked foster children, pets, other children in your neighborhood and your own child. No mercy. Dump his sorry azz in the woods and burn rubber. Leave him with nothing. He won't last long. If he has been younger, I might have been more sympathetic (and I am a mother), but after recieving treatment and still doing those horrible things and now a teenager.....No, this kid is dangerous and needs to be dropped off the face of the planet.


And I am not sure if I read it right....but have your parents sued the state for not disclosing his problems, or is this all part of their "no right to know about the past" policy?