How do you parent this girl?

Question

9 yr old girl is upset about something so she has attitude. Dad says stop, she starts crying. Dad says "If you don't stop crying about that you are going to go to bed by youself and nobody will tuck you in, I will count to five". (She is crying about somethiong very silly) So she stops. Then starts again. Dad sends her to her room and she starts throwing a fit, crying way louder. Yelling dad. Ignores her a bit, finally goes there and tells her crying is not going to work and that he told her already what would happen so she had better stop and goto bed. She does it again, louder. He ignores, eventually goes back. Tells her the same thing but more sternly. She stops then starts making slapping sounds and hitting herself. He says she had better never ever do that again. "You don't try to hurt yourself for my attention", she says its because she is a bad girl she was doing that. So he spanks her because he has had enough. How do you parent this girl? She is a bit of an attention seeker.

Her parents are split up.

Or why do you think she acts this way?

I am her dads girlfriend.

Answer 1

He keeps going to her. Let her cry. Let her cry for hours. If she is just doing it for attention than she needs to stop getting it that way. Her and her Dad need to go out together w/o you more often. Like to the movies or to the playground.

Answer 2

Having the added information of her parents being seperated I think she is doing two things. 1. She trying to get attention (children will take even negitive attention if that is what they can get) from her dad. 2. She had no control over the fact that her family is broken and she control what she can. Also she is 9 and they start getting attitudes. Dad would have been better off ignoring the attitude and not getting into a power struggle. Set limits about behaviors when both dad and daughter are calm, what the expected behaviors are and the consequences (both positive for exhibiting the expected behaviors and negitive for when unacceptable behaviors occur). Dad needs to be giving her attention when she is behaving and ignor the attitude when possible. I work in retail and see alot of different parenting and what works best is when the kids know what is expected and knows that the parent is going to follow through, I also see when the kids are the ones controling the parent with temper tantaurms and whinning. Counseling might also help her with coming o terms with the seperation and any changes that have come with that.

Answer 3

Here's the problem - 1) she's acting out because she's probably still upset about the parents splitting up and all the changes that caused and 2) she knows acting up gets her attention so why stop?

She may not really know how to communicate what she is feeling. At 9 years old, you just don't have the vocabulary to say "I'm upset because of the changes in my family" or "I'm Depressed." You might want to look into getting her some professional counceling at least for a little while so that you can learn better what she is really feeling.

As for the acting out now, she does it only for attention. No matter how hard it might be, you need to not reward her misbehaving with attention. When she acts up, send her to her room and explain to her why you are doing it. After that, leave her alone. Don't go back and try to talk with her more or discipline her more - that only gives her attention.

Also, make sure that you (and her father) are showing her positive attention. Are you spending time with her talking about her day or things she interested in, playing games, etc? If she is feeling neglected, then make sure she is getting the attention she needs without having to act up first.

Good luck.

Answer 4

OH DEAR... What a mess. This isn't the way to parent a elder kid. *sorry IF I offend anyone*
Ok lets start here. In the last part... what do you mean HER parents are split up. What do you mean split up??? You and your hubby??? If this is you and your hubby, do drag her in to the circle. Just try to cover everything up just like a normal family.

And if a 9-yrs old kid act like this your child might be end up like a spoilt-girl. This is maybe your parenting way is wrong since she is small or this is affected by surroundings. This 2 conditions are the most common ways to spoilt a child.

NEXT UP... Main topic... Ok lets see, she hit her self right???
Than you say, she did this to seek your attention right. So stop her. Think you need to find a counselor to console her a little or more. She 9-years old, not a kindergarden kid. SO act fast or else is to late to act. Thus may ruin her image and future.

I solve many problem same like this kind. BUT I'm no consellor or and expert. I just share my point of view. So I hope you and your family will lead a happy life and a happy childhood for her.

Answer 5

Give her lots of the attention she wants -- just do it when she's being good, not throwing a fit. (Though just crying is not the same as throwing a fit ... what's the point in trying to punish somebody for crying?) If she's crying out for attention like this, try to find more time to talk to, play with, and read to her. When she's misbehaving, if you send her to her room, make it boring and don't be going in to check on her. She will stop if she consistently doesn't get an audience. Or try taking away privileges like tv time.

BTW, I don't get the part about her hitting herself so her dad punishes her by ... hitting her (and tells her not to do that to get his attention, and then gives her his full attention by spanking her). I bet she doesn't get it, either. That's sending a serious mixed message. Give her a time-out instead and just ignore it. If it doesn't stop or you really feel she's hurting herself, talk to your pediatrician.

Answer 6

One thing, she may need counseling over the split-up of her parents. That is a very difficult adjustment.

That being said, it sounds like this child has learned the art of manipulation. My child is only 5, but she has learned that if she is going to whine over not getting her way then she will do it in her room where we can't hear it. We won't count or give her warnings. It's known that whining = go to your room immediately. After a couple of minutes she will be calm and will ask to come out. We let her. End of episode.

His child has learned how to get him to keep coming back. He needs to let her know what the guidelines are and then he needs to be consistent. But, the question comes back to why does she need attention so much that bad attention is better than no attention?

Answer 7

she wants attention and if it means bad attention then she will act up....weither its good or bad the kid wants her dad to be paying attention to ONLY her....he needs to sit down and plan an activity every night just the two of them...even if its only 15 min of reading together...spanking her because of all this did not help the situation....if she begins to act up he needs to place her in her room on her bed, tuck her in without saying a word (if she kicks off the sheets then just leave them the way she placed them) turn out the light and walk out..its letting her know that acting this way will give her no attention at all...and that is what kids are hungry for...good luck....it might have something to do with her parents being separated...

Answer 8

Get her to a psychiatrist or therapist. All the parents need is for her to hit herself and have a teacher think she might be abused at home and all heck is gonna break loose for them.
It sounds to me like the situation was handled appropriately by the father.
The kid needs to learn how to properly get the attention she desires. Family counseling might not be a bad idea either - this way everyone is involved.

Answer 9

Her father needs parenting classes. She is acting out because she is upset about the separation and because she needs her father's attention and this seems to be the way ti get it. He needs to give her more 1:1 attention and to stop making threats and disregarding her feelings. He is ending her all the wrong messages.

Answer 10

Every time she acted up he reacted by going to her...even if it was to tell her to stop...this was a mistake. If she knows she'll get a reaction then she will carry on making a fuss.
He needs to send her to her room and then not go near her again till she is calm again....whatever she says.
Attention of any kind is a reward and kids will do anything they can for it.