Does the fiance of the brides father need to be shown respect at the daughters wedding and if so, how?

Question

I am the fiance' of the father of the bride and would rather not attend a wedding where the former wife and the "step daughter" choose to not acknowledge the fiance' as part of the family. The father really wants me to attend but I don't know to what extent I am to be involved. What is proper? The whole thing just feels completely weird and uncomfortable.

I do not EXPECT to be included, I want to know what IS expected or intended. This way no one is left feeling weird. The parents have been divorced for over 5 years and the kids somehow always thought they'd get back together. My existance is resented. The ex even had issues with our relationship even tho she is the one who left and filed for divorce. I refuse to sit BEHIND the father and mother. They are not together and I WOULD resent the appearance that they are. He believes I should sit with him throught the ceremony as do I. And no, it is not my day, I definitely understand that and do not expect to be shown any special favors.

I was invited and I have lived with my fiance for 2 years.

Answer 1

You aren't really involved. You aren't any different for any other guest really. There is no identified role for Dad's new wife unless you were actively involved in raising her and that would still be at the discretion of the bride. You are making a family with her father not her mother/his ex-wife so to that extent you aren't "part of the family." As nice as it would be to include you in family pictures, that doesn't seem like where your relationship is with her yet and to force your way into that most definitely would not make that relationship better. However, having said all of that you should be seated very close to your fiance, on the row behind him if not on the same row. You should be seated with him at the reception and you should be the first person to dance with him after the father daughter dance. That's about it.

Answer 2

I think, by reading the posts you have made you somehow seem like you are wanting this to be as big of a day for you as for her.
I am not trying to be rude, but I would watch where your sticking your nose, people get even more ticked off if they have parts of their wedding ruined because of you.
And while I know you might not want to attend the wedding because of the current situation, you will probably be ignored like the other guests, or you might get a thank you for coming. I would just appear, sit with your finace, not behind unless absolutely necessary, and be as happy as you can be.
The thing is this is a darned if you do, and darned if you don't thing, he might be offended if you dont feel his daughter is important enough to attend her wedding, and may cause problems between you guys, also since you did recieve an invitation they obviously wont throw a fit if your there, they actually might get hurt fi your not there, whil youve not been put as close into the family as you would like to be, pushing them away will solve nothing.
She might see that you cared enough to come (even though being there with the ex and stuff like that will be awkward) and it might make it easier for the two of you to accept eachother.
So like I said, I would attend in hopes that they willr elaize how much you care about them, and their father, and that clearly your there to stay,but don't expect any kind of special treatment or acknowledgement.

Answer 3

You should be shown respect as the bride's father's fiance--I'm assuming you weren't involved in an affair with him while he was still married to the bride's mother which might change my opinion about the respect thing. As such, you would be his guest and would be ushered to the 3rd pew on the left (bride's side), on the aisle, which is where he would be seated after he escorts his daughter down the aisle. The bride's mother is entitled to the first pew by herself or with her escort or other close family member. While family photographs of the bride's parents and other family members would not include you, you could be included in some special photographs of you and your fiance and the bride and groom. There is nothing more that you would be "involved" in. You would sit with your fiance at his designated table, which would not be with the bride's mother. At this point, while you are in a committed relationship, you are not a family member yet and it would be in poor taste to insist that you be photographed or seated in a family grouping with the bride's mother. Think how you would feel if you were in the bride's mother's shoes. This is almost as much the mother of the bride's day as it is the bride's and you need to be sensitive to that. Be gracious and mannerly, smile and take a low-profile approach to the event. You'll earn the respect you're due that way.

Answer 4

It kind of depends on the timing and circumstances of the FOB's seperation from the MOB. If this was recent and you were involved, then it might be wise for you "keep a low profile" for a year or so.

However, if the break up is definitely in the past then you shouldn't deprive you intended husband of your supporting presence on what will also be a trying day for HIM. The traditional purpose of a wedding was for the new family being created by the bride and groom to be welcomed into her parents' social circle. Since her father is just as much as parent as is her mother, YOU are very much a part of the bride's future circle whether the bride (or you) like it or not.

That said, your husband-to-be should be enlisting a few allies from among the guests, people who haven't "taken sides" in the break up and who are willing to make a public show of goodwill towards you. Otherwise, you will be left uncomfortably standing by yourself while your intended stands in the receiving line or dances with the bride.

Answer 5

If there is hostility coming from the ex-wife and the bride is opposed to you and her father sitting in the first row on the other side with the grooms parents, I think the mother of the bride should sit in the first row and you two should BOTH set in the second row.
It will make you guys look like the bigger people and show that you are putting the brides feelings first while your FH is standing (or sitting) beside you as his life partner.

When it all comes down to it, it might be in your best interest to just suck it up, smile, and do what ever makes everyone else happy. The bride will be in your life for the rest of your life when you marry your husband. One day hopefully she'll grow up realize you aren't going anywhere and be able to appreciate your sacrifice for her happiness and the happiness of her father.

Good Luck in this trying situation.

Answer 6

I have so been in your shoes. My step-kid's mother passed away, so I don't have an ex to deal with, but the kids resenting him dating, you betchya! His daughter got engaged first, and when he went to ask me to marry him, he told the girls he was going to. I told him he needed to make sure they knew he wasn't asking for permission (which he didn't do) so they were a tad upset when he did because they didn't want him to marry me (or anyone for that matter). When we got engaged, prior to her wedding, she was a little put out because now that I was a fiance, she knew she had to include me as it was the right thing to do.

I sat back and got involved when I was asked. It all worked out nicely, the girls even utilized me at the wedding, doing things the mother should have done (whether they realized it or not lol).

The only thing she didn't do was include me in the "family" picture, which was kind of a joke because it was his entire, and I do mean entire, family, and her entire family, so who would have even noticed?

When we entered the reception, the DJ announced - the father of the bride (his name) and his fiance (my name). That was about the best I could ask for.

We got married 6 months after them, and we get along great now (well, at least the married one and I do).

In my opinion, you should sit in the same row as the mother and father, but you may not be sitting directly next to your fiance. The two end spots are reserved for the mother and the father of the bride. If they can work it so the mother is on the end, than the father, than you should be next to him on the other side.

You should be treated with respect, as you will be marrying her father and should already be treated like part of the family.

It's hard, hang in there, and let the kids warm up to you in their own time. Just treat their dad right, and be respectful to them.

Good luck and congrats on your upcoming nuptials!

Answer 7

Hi Becky:

This is a difficult situation for you I'm sure. Yes, you need to be shown respect. How to get that? I would talk with YOUR fiance - the father of the bride. Have HIM speak with his daughter. I agree that you should sit next to your fiance....but with him being the father of the bride....that complicates things a little. And, you must remember, you are not married yet. If you were to be escorted in (like any other guest), and you want to sit in the first pew/row, then you would be seated before the grandparents, mothers, etc. Remember that the mother of the bride is escorted in last. So you would be in the pew already, and she will come and sit next to you? Then, when your fiance (father of the bride) walks his daughter down the aisle, he would need to climb over his ex in order to sit next to you? Hmmmm......not sure about that.

It's probably best for you to close your mouth and sit in the second pew/row. Who cares what pew/row you are in? Don't make an issue over it. Get a nice dress, put on a happy face, and have a good time. This will be your future step-daughter....there is no way around it.

Answer 8

If you feel weird and uncomfortable, then do not attend.

If you do attend, you must realize that this wedding is not about you. You do not need to be acknowledged. You are not a parent of the bride.

Traditional etiquette? Usually in cases of divorce, the mother (or the parent with whom child has lived) sits on the front row. The father (or the parent with whom child has not lived) sits on the third row. You should be seated with dad on the third row. Siblings, grandparents, other relatives may sit on the second row . . . or the second row may be left empty.

(If the parents do decide to sit together on the front row, please accept it graciously. You may be seated further back with other guests. This is about being parents. It has nothing to do with your relationship with the father of the bride. I am sure everyone present will know that bride's parents are divorced.)

At the reception, divorced parents are usually seated at separate tables with their own dates, family members, and/or friends.

Your contact with the mother of the bride should be minimal.

Remember that you are not attending this wedding as a parent. Do not draw attention to yourself. In this case, you are the father's date . . . a guest.

Just read your additional details. Sorry to say, but I suggest that you consider an attitude change, if you ever hope to be happily accepted into this family. Sometimes things are just not about you . . . a lesson I am sure we have all had to learn at one point or another, LOL.

Answer 9

Every guest should be accorded courtesy and respect. The fiancee of the father of the bride, of course, should be invited and treated with respect, but you have no specific role to play in the day unless you are asked to take one.

What is proper is to accept or decline the invitation politely. If you accept, you should behave well and with dignity at the wedding, but not seek the spotlight. Your wedding is coming and you'll get your turn, of course, but this is a day for the happy couple. Make no attempt to be acknowledged except as a guest.

If you cannot take your quiet place or fear that either the bride or her mother will be upset if you actually show up, then decline and let your fiance know you'll be waiting to hear all about it when he gets home, but don't feel this is the time to ruffle the feathers of the bride or her mother.

Answer 10

You are engaged to the father of the bride therefore, when you get married, you WILL be her family. You need to get used to this idea and embrace it. It doesn't mean you have to become her "mom" because it sounds like she already has 1 or 2 but you can show her you care and that you're very happy for her. Afterall, she means a great deal to the man you love so wouldn't it be appropriate that she mean something to you as well? I would go with your fiance to the wedding and just be a supportive attendee.....like anyone else attending the wedding. People who go will be there because they want to wish her well and show her support. So, you just do the same. I'm sure your feelings will be a bit hurt if she chooses to not seat you in the "family" section but you aren't married YET so technically you aren't family yet. Try not to let those technicalities bother you. Just be there for HIM and to show the daughter he loves so much the support she deserves. Walk up to her and say "congratulations, we're so very happy for you."