adoption question, please help!?

Question

hi i was wondering how and when to tel a child that they're adopted. or even if one should. i think a chikd should know but i can not think of a way how to tell them.
i dont want them to resent me or go looking for thier biological parents. but if i dont tell them i also dont want them to find out donwn the road and resent me even more.

does any one have any suggestions or have any websites that could help?

thanks so much and god bless.

Answer 1

i dont believe there's ever going to be that perfect chance to tell your child they're adopted. i also don't think you should wait until they're a certain age before telling them. I think you should tell them from birth basically. I think a very good way to help your child understand adoption is by presenting them, and reading them, childrens books on adoption. A few good ones that I know of are... a mother for choco, tell me again about the night i was born, and once they're older ( preteen, teenager ) you may want to try giving them a book called who am i? which includes questions other adoptees have and explains everything your child may ask you that you might not be able to answer.



i think keeping this information from your child while they're young, will only make them resent you in the future

Answer 2

Your best bet would be to make sure that they are old enough to understand what adoption means and yes you should tell them because there are hereditary things that might come up later in there life that they need to know about. If they want to find there parents that gave them up be supportive of that and talk to the gancy you went through and see what they say as well. There are different types of adoption closed open and semi open closed adoption means that the biological parent(s) don't want to be contacted at all. and the other 2 are having the biological parents involved some but not a lot. Good Luck! & God Bless you too. Remember that you did the hard part you have been there for them from the time they were legally yours and you have taken them to the doctors appointments and everything. You are the real parent(s).

Answer 3

You have already had a lot of repies and responses, but the best thing is to be honest. If the child asks, tell them. Don't beat around the bush, and don't tell them any sort of made up story, just the truth.

I was never told the truth, I was lied too. So when I found my adoption certification, I confronted my parents and there was no choice but to tell me. This all happened when I was eight. I have never forgotten that, and remember that....a child will never let you live down a lie.

You can contact an adoption agency close to you and ask them how you need to go about telling them. Call a child psychologist and see if there is a way that you can go about this nicely.

Good luck and it really is not all that bad.

Answer 4

I had two sons and an adopted daughter in the middle of them. We talked about ways to get babies and that all ways are good. As she got older we had a letter from her birth mother. She cherishes that. Also she has a poem that I wrote for her about being the child of my heart. She is 26 years old now. She is expecting her thrid child. I love all my children and grandchldren equally.

My daughter ocassionally wonders about her birth mother. She ocassionally works on it, but she hasn't found any connections.

I remember when my daughter was about 3 years old. I heard her say to her friend......."I am adoctored" so cute.

It will come naturally. My daughter tellsl me that I am always her mom. But she would like to find out about her genetic family. Then she thinks what if it is difficult. That is a risk to take.

Never ever keep an adoption a secret. Be open and loving. Explain to your child that there was a lady who grew her in her stomach and that she didn't have a way to take care of her. She wanted her child to have food to eat, dance lessons a safe place to live. And that any mother has the abililty to give the great gift of a child is more greater than anyone can imagine.
It will all come natural

Answer 5

I would be upfront from the start. When the child first asks about where they came from, than thats when you need to tell them. The child will be very young and won't really understand what it means and you can explain it as you didn't grow under my heart but in it. And that he grew in some eles tummy. As s/he gets older he will ask more and more questions about adoption and whatnot. And you need to be very willing to talk about it. And also bring up the subject, espically during the teen years. This is when kids try to figure out who they are. I would suggest that because there are a lot of places on the interent that they can search for their biological parents. And having an open relationship about adoption and the search is very important. Your adopted child will search for their biological roots and you need to be supportive of it.

If you don't tell youjr child, they will find out eventually and than hate/renset you for it.

Answer 6

I think when it comes to adoption, many people freely voice there opinion before understanding the pure gift it is to anyone involved. Personally I have experience from the other side, I placed a baby boy for adoption 2 years ago today. I also have attended numerous adoption panels. From listening to other people who have adopted , or been adopted. I would suggest the earlier, the better. A friend told me she grew up knowing she was adopted. Her mother asked her if she liked the ballet class she was in, and her dog, and her adoptive parents. She said yes, and her mom told her that her birth mom wanted her to have those things. Also, from speaking to others who are adopted, I have found that those who know more about there birth family, are more adjusted to the situation. Ruth McRoy has done multiple studies on adoption and openess in psychological jornals. You may find some information there.

Answer 7

Go to Tapestry Books (http://www.tapestrybooks.com/categories.asp?cID=99 for a link right to the books you're looking for) and get some books either from the library, Tapestry or your local book store on the subject.

My opinion is that an adopted child should "always" know they're adopted...that way there's not that one traumatic moment in life where they look back and feel like it was the moment they found out they weren't who they always thought they were. It can create some real identity crises to do it that way.

If you adopt an older child, it's easy...they already know & you just tell them their story (age-appropriate info, not necessarily full disclosure if they're little...but NEVER lie about their story) and about all the hoops you jumped through to bring them into the family. I equate this to the stories I tell my bio sons about my pregnancy and birth experiences. I tell the girls about our experience making them part of our famiy, too.

If you adopt an infant, you can begin telling them their adoption story (again, age-appropritate info & always truthful) while they're teeny.

Either way, pick up some adoption books and read them positive stories about adoption. This way adoption will just be part of the fabric of their lives and will just be a part of their story rather than this big secret that one day must be revealed.

Answer 8

You need to ask yourself or that person needs to ask themselves - Do I love this child?

This child needs to know the truth one way or another. When the child is able to understand what you are explaining to them is the time to tell them. You will either get the outcome of 1) The child wanting questioning the whereabouts of the parents 2) Not caring for their parents-being resentful towards them for giving them up (ecspecially the mother) You can not want the child to not look for their biological parents - but you know they will decide that for themselves. Some need to know that piece before being at piece with themselves. That's their resolution for their learning of being adopted. I never resented my parents for giving my brothers and I up - I was thankful because learning why I was given up gave me an appreciation towards them because they took the step to give us a chance at a good life waiting out there. Just take a deep breath and be prepared. But the child needs to know.

Answer 9

I agree with all the posters who said to start from the very beginning using the words for adoption and making it part of your child's story. This gives you practice talking about it and makes it a natural part of what you tell your child. We said, "I'm so glad we adopted you!" and similar phrases. I made up little songs about how our family grew. We had several adoption books on the bookshelf and we read them right along with "Goodnight Moon". Here's the part I haven't read in another post: don't assume that because you've included all this language about adoption that your child understands it! Mine could mimic the words and look at the books, but each of them around age 9 - 10 needed to be retold in more concrete language. At this age the idea of commitment, relationship, and forever can be understood in a new way. When my first child had new questions around this age I was blown away - thought we'd been there and done that. I was more ready for it with the next one.

Answer 10

i'm adopted and my adoptive parents told me from the beginning. I may have been too young to understand all of the meaning but they never kept it from me. I have a friend who wasn't told until she was sixteen and she resents her adoptive parents.
Looking for biological parents doesn't mean that they love you any less. I would prepare myself for them to say they want to find their biological parents. We as humans are naturally curious. I became curious around the age of twenty and my adoptive brother at twenty eight. (he's four years older then me). My adoptive parents helped me find my biological parents. Now we all have a wonderful relationship. I don't love my parents any less they will always be my parents.
I would definately tell though because they could find out some other way. they might think they were lied to.