Deployment Homeconing...?

Question

My question is kind of long...My husband is currently on a 15 month deployment to Iraq...both of our families live over 2,000 miles away & they want to come to my hubbys homecoming which is a few days before thanksgiving so they decided they would all stay 1 week which i dont mind, except my father in law he wants to stay 6 weeks. Me & my hubby have a 15 year old son, so we figured while he was in school & my hubby was on block leave that would give us some much needed 1 on 1 time, but we cant do it now that his dad will be here, and his dad doesnt understand that we need this time...he is flying and staying at our house. My hubby & his dad arent very close, they have a decent relationship just arent buddy buddy. This is our first deployment, my hubby has been in the army 14 years and we have been married 16 years. Am I being selfish? I need some advice from soldiers/wives that have been through a homecoming...

Its his first deployment to Iraq because of his MOS...He has been to kuwait twice and turkey once

Answer 1

There are lots of people with the same problem as you, you are NOT alone, I am one of them, my husband is getting home soon, and everyone wants to come out here and stay for a timeframe of 2 weeks to 2 months to "spend time" with my husband. I am not happy and honestly neither is my husband, but we took care of it, most people would think we are mean, but honestly we don't care anymore! We've been jumping through hoops since we got married. you are NOT being selfish, it is the military wife's job to protect the marriage while hes out protecting the country.

We told everyone that yes they are family and we love them, but we have been apart for a long time and we need time to get to know eachother again with out added stress of visitors and family taking over our house, which is a tiny apartment. but we did save money so we could fly ourselves on OUR terms to our families so everyone would get to see us, but we would also have time to ourselves to rebuild and re aquaint ourselves with eachother and get our lives back in working order. Sometimes you just gotta lay it out, and decide that if they get mad, thats their own problem not yours. so

basically my advice to you is to set some time frames like no visitors the first week he is home, and no visits longer than 2 weeks. just talk to your husband first, and if he agrees have him email the family and tell them how he feels along with you telling them whats going on.

Answer 2

No i do not think its selfish of you to want 1 on 1 time. My husband just came home in June from a deployment and that was the last thing i wouldve wanted was house guests. But i wouldve give up a week like you said. At the same time your Father in law is a grown man so im sure he doesn't expect you to stay with him all day everyday. By the time everyone else leaves he will have had enough time to get use to your house and where things are so you could still do things through the day and tell him he's welcome to hang around and make himself a home. If he is still selfish with your time then you might just have to put your foot down and tell him this is what your going to do and maybe he will decide to shorten his stay. Good luck ..

Answer 3

First and foremost, please let your HUSBAND know how his service is appreciated. With this being your HUSBAND'S first deployment and you've enjoyed 16 years together minus 15 months.. then it is not as if you've gone through several deployments and have not had some time together.

The 6 week stay of a not-so-close father off the cuff seems weird.. Where does your HUSBAND'S father live? Is he coming to the see the sights of your town? Does he have old friends where you live? Is he a widow and just misses being around family? Does he think that he can be the entertainment for your child while you and your HUSBAND.. spend time alone together? Is he going to give you two a surprise vacation?

Selfish? No, not really; however at the same time.. if it concerns you that much ask him...

I wish you well!

Answer 4

I would explain to your father-in-law that you and your husband haven't seen each other for 15 months. My husband's deployments are only 7 months, and our families give us plenty of time to get reaquainted. Tell you father-in-law he can stay in a hotel while he's in, and that he needs to find something to do during the day while your son is at school. knowing that he won't get as much time to spend with his son might deter him from staying 6 weeks. I wouldn't want my in-laws around 6 weeks staying in my house.

Hang in there love, it's almost over! My hubby's coming home from tour number 3 next month!

Answer 5

Just be honest with your father in law, while being respectful of his need to be with his son. Maybe he's had a change of heart about his son and realizes how short life is. My husband and his father had a big falling out when he got back the first time, it made them so much closer.
Also, how is this just his first deployment in 14 years? My hubby has been in for less than 4 and has been deployed twice.

Answer 6

I agree with everyone here and what they are saying. You need to be upfront with you fil and either you or your husband have to talk to him about how long he is staying.

I mean for one 6 weeks is way, way , way to long for anyone to stay. He might be wanting to repair his relationship with his son and he thinks this is the way to do it. But I don't think it would be. I know when my husband comes home in Arpil that he will want time to get use to just being back in the states and not always hearing guns going off and such. We have to get reajusted to each other and the kids need to get readjusted to having their dad home and me having my husband home. This could be one of the worst times to come visit. I always ask family members to wait at least 2-3 months after a deployment to come see us. I think it is important to have that family time first.

Again talk with his dad and see why he wants to come that long. But really talk with him and say that is just too long.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I would talk to your father-in-law and let him know that you are excited to see everyone, but after the first week your family has plans. That he is more than welcome to stay the week. After that he needs to stay in a motel. Let him know that you and your husband have plans that include only the two of you and in the evening you have plans with your son as a family unit. Apologize to him that he won't be seeing much of his son after the initial week.

You need to be firm with your decision. It will be hard, but 15 months is a long time and you do need time alone. Let your husband know that you are going to tell his father this.

Answer 8

First ex-AF deployed for Desert Storm. Tell the Dad that the invite is for one week. It is your house and you need to spend time with your husband. You arent really being selfish. He is your husband and you need the time togather.. His dad is being very selfish esp since he "doesnt" understand. Tell the dad if he doesnt respect your wished , he is not invited to your house.
Best of luck

Answer 9

Advice for this situation is beyond me. But I did want to extend my best wishes on his homecoming, being married 16 years, and his being in the Army 14 years,
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If you can handle being married all this time, being an Army wife all this time, you can handle anything! You proved it!
Bets wishes to both of you.

Answer 10

In some ways you are how old is his dad and what is his health? You know you feel pretty dookie if you ran him off and then he died, Look you have a kid think about how you would feel if your kid did not want to spend a few weeks with you when your old and lonely. Watch this one it may come back to bite you, Yea I am sure that you missed your husband but you get to see him every day when he gets back and then when ever he retires from the Army but his dads time is limited so look at it that way and quit being selfish.