My fiance really hates it when I drink, it's getting to a horrible point... what would you do?

Question

I'm 23, fiance is 24. This past summer I have been going out more (I need to socialize more since my best friends ditched me).. and he hates it. If I go out with my other friends, the "silent treatment" when I get home is worse than when I go out with him and his friends.

It's like I can only drink when it is convenient with him, never if I decide to drink on my own and with some friends. Tonight he said my "drinking is splitting us apart"..wtf? I NEVER get drunk.. and I only have a few beers to get "tipsy" and that's it.

It's odd though because last night I thought the same thing. If I weren't with him.. I could drink in moderation and not care about what he thinks. In reality, I could move back in w/mom.. finish school.. save more $ and have a healthier diet.. as well as just living with my dogs (that don't $hit and pi$$ everywhere like his dogs).

I'm just so mad everything. What do you think our problem is? Is it my drinking or his insecurities?

I've had 8-10 beers tonight, which is the usual. I only drink 2-4 nights a week, which is more of a "social drink". I don't work, but go to school full time and think that nothing is wrong with this.

Answer 1

I personally would hate being on either end of a controlling relationship. He sounds like my ex-gf, EX being the key word.

Being engaged is a promise to each other. It comes before making a promise to your families, to religious leaders, and to your friends and the public. Now is the time where if things are bad enough, you can terminate one promise instead of a thousand. This would seriously be enough for me to consider breaking up over.

Answer 2

Don't make excuses...You my dear are on the road to becoming a full blown alcoholic. YOur fiance is right on this and you should take heed of advice. Stop the drinking. You are drinking to blot out some anger and insecurities and that is when drinking becomes a problem. The amount of beers you drink is not moderate...it is just too much. I think you should seek counseling or get into a program for people with a drinking problem, even if it means you moving back home for a while to sort things out. You are angry the way things are going and are giving off signals to your fiance by your over indulgence in drinking and going out...so you need to cool it for a while. Get yourself some help as once you cross over that line, then you will be a full blown alcoholic..Good Luck

Answer 3

I think both of you have valid points. 8-10, or even 2 per day is a lot in my opinion, but then I am a wine drinker :) and I dont have wine every night.
On the other hand, you are young and your body can handle a lot more at this age.
Maybe he is just a little scared that it will progress after getting married. After all, there will be more stress when you each have another person to look after, on top of school and work and whatever else. Could be that his idea of socializing is different from yours.
After you cool down, use this as a chance to communicate with each other whats really going on. What is it that you expect from each other now, and after getting married?
PS: Dont be defensive- thats one of the signs that someone might have a "drinking problem". If he is defensive, youll have to ask yourself why.

Answer 4

Hate to tell you but you have a problem and your fiance is right. It is pretty childish to be drinking 2 to 4 times a week and 8 to 10 beers a night at your age. You need to grow up. Do you actually expect to continue this behavior when you have a real job and are married? It sounds like he wants you to grow up and stop acting like a silly 21 year old kid. Going out with friends once a month or so is normal behavior. Leaving him alone 2 or 3 times a week to go out is not.

Answer 5

8-10 beers isnt moderation sweetheart, no wonder hes angry and doesnt want you drinking. 4 nights a week at 10 beers? thats 40 beers a week. RIDICULOUS. Your angry your not getting your way and id expect mine to be angry if i was drinking htat much, social drinking is once a week twice at max on special occasions not every other day.
Hes probably worried about you being stupid when your out. I think you need to stop being so selfish and just try to work things out or leave him, whichever you want but, I do think that your the problem not him.

Answer 6

If it is this big of a deal now, wait till you get married! If my fiance or husband had that big of an issue about my drinking habits, or any other habits, I would seriously weigh his thoughts. Have you even tried just having a drink or two at home or only going out when he is with you? Obviously he has a reason for saying what he says. I am not trying to be mean, but maybe you should take a look in the mirror. Ask him why this is splitting you apart. Are you being defiant and going out more because he tells you not too? If so, this could possible phase itself out. Maybe you're just testing your boundaries. Do you think that maybe he has family members who are alcoholics and he is concerned that you'll become one? Maybe he had an ex who behaved the same way then stomped on his heart. Maybe you are not ready to settle down. When you truly love someone, you think of them first. You take everything that they say to heart and make compromises. If the problem is his insecurities, then you are making those worse by drinking. Put the shoe on the other foot. Think about it, if he was doing something that you asked him numerous times to stop and he refused, how would that make you feel? Couples that go drink and party and "socialize" seperatly are a lot more likely to have problems. What if a question ever got raised about you flirting with a guy, or even cheating? How could he trust you if he isn't there with you? I'm not saying that he has no reason to trust you, I'm only pointing out that as long as you put yourself in a position where questions can be raised, you are playing with fire. And you WILL get burned. Say you get pissed cause you make plans to go out together, then he says he doesn't want to go. So, angrily, you go out alone. You're mad and frustrated and some guy starts hitting on you, and all you can do is tell him what a jerk your man is, and this guy take every oppurtunity to make you think that he is better than your guy. This is totally something that could happen. Then you could start to hate your fiance, and it really could tear you two apart. So, I think that if you don't want that to happen, you need to sit down and seriously discuss your future together. If he is not worth you giving that part of your life up, then you don't need to be with him. I really hope things work out for the best. Everyone has problems. Marriage totally magnifies each one though. My husband and I made a commitment to each other that we wouldn't let alcohol be a part of our lives. His dad was an alcoholic and I love him so much, I swore to never let alcohol come between us. We still go out and have a few drinks every now and then. Our fridge always has beer in it and there's always some jager in our freezer. We go to barbeques and I get really drunk and we go to the bowling alley and chug at least 2 pitchers of beer. But we NEVER fight about alcohol. I really hope that you can know what it is like to be in a relationship where you compromise and you both get what you want 50% of the time. Good luck!

Answer 7

It's not a black and white issue. A relationship should be comprimise.

First, by all accounts, you are an alcoholic. I know, you are laughing at me, but I've had my share of drug and alcohol problems. If you were to get pulled over while drinking, and told the judge that you drank 2-4 times a week, and had 6-10 beers each time...they would consider you at VERY high risk for alcoholism. The flip side to this, of course, is that you are young, and 'sowing your wild oats'. I'm not judging you. I'm merely stating the facts. To the 'professionals', you are an alcoholic, or very close to it.

Second, marriage won't change anything between two people. It's not a magic cure for problems. People tend to have a picture in thier heads....how things will change, how life will be perfect. Marriage doesn't solve your problems. If either of you are thinking 'when we are married, things will be different'....well, you are mistaken. Things will be very much the same.

If you are already having second thoughts, it may be that you rushed into a marriage proposal that neither of you are ready for. It's time to sit down and talk about what you both need to do to make this work. Could you limit yourself to drinking one night a week if he agreed to train his dogs? What would be a fair comprimise? Write a list of things you don't like about your relationship, and ask him to do the same. Then, trade off. Both of you can pick ONE thing, and work on changing it. Then, pick another. If you can't comprimise, you aren't ready for marriage.

Good luck.

Answer 8

You do drink quite a lot. If you drink to the point of what you say is tipsy, that's drunk. And you drink TO get tipsy. My advice is for you to call off the engagement, no shacking up, and work on yourself. You really do sound like you have a drinking problem. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's something you need to take care of NOW.

Answer 9

wow, 8-10 beers 4 times a week. that is not social drinking. imagine if you had 8-10 milkshakes 4 times a week. that is excessive and that doesn't even involve alcohol. social drinking is 1-2 drinks once a week. you are drinking, so stop trying to put a cute spin on it by calling it social drinking. it seems that you have found tons of benefits to moving home. perhaps that would be best. it doesn't seem like you are ready to settle down and make the compromises & adult decisions a marriage requires.

Answer 10

It's both. You need counseling. It's not normal to be drinking 8-10 beers a night, and go out 2-4 nights a week. Even if your in school or work, drinking skews your thought process and effects your concentration. I'm sorry to say that your an alcoholic. Get counseling... My husband would go out like that and deny he was an alcoholic until I told him I was leaving him. It's your life, just like it's his...

Answer 11

I think drinking 8-10 drinks a night 4 times a week is ALOT! It would concern me greatly is I were him. I lived with an alcoholic, and you sound on your way to becoming one truly.

It sounds like you're not ready to be in such a committed relationship either. If you were, his concerns would mean a whole lot more to you. You sound like a child who just got her hand slapped, and you're pouting.

I personally think you should move back in with your mother, get yourself on the right track, quit your heavy drinking and find some new friends who don't need to drink a couple of cases of beer a week to function.