ive been paranoid that something is going on between my partner and a lady who works in our building for several months now.She calls him on his mobile and acts flirty with him and I was suspicious that when im not a at work they have lunch toegther and he encourages her, but he assured my that it was all one sisded. Last week i found that he had set up an email address for her and had been emailing her. Parts of the emails were sexual and very flirty and proved that he was communicating with her when he told me it was all in my head.
I dont think anything physical has happened between them because he never goes anywhere and we are trying to work through this but i feel so hurt and decieved that I dont know if i can be with him.
2007-09-02 21:55:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Errr....I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this! It's not fair to you at all!
Very right and thumbs up to Jed...Trust is a very large part of relationships, without it, you have nada! It is very easy to have initially, and can be taken so quickly, and it rarely comes back once you lose it! The acts your partner is engaging in is definitely disrespectful and blows all trust right out the door.
Sneaking around is another thing...why? If nothing is going on, why do it? Why is there a sexually explicit e-mailing relationship with this woman? Something is not right and if there is nothing physical going on, there is definitely sexual tension there that has no business being there if he is in a relationship with you! This is NOT in your head!!! It's right there in your face!
It is nice that the two of you are trying to work things out, however, do you really think you will be able to do this with him in the same work environment with her? I know you may love this man, however, she is not going anywhere, and he is going to continue to work there...you are going to remain miserable/distrusting as long as they work in the same place.
I do wish to say, with the UTMOST RESPECT for Jay F, that ultimatums rarely work. You put it out there, he resents it, and it only causes more tension between the two of you because although he may want to please you, men really don't want to be told "what to do or else".
I hate saying this to anyone, but I've put up with so much from men who never change that I've learned from experience...If you're miserable now, it only gets worse. Yes, some men CAN change, (it goes the same for women...I am not a man hater/basher men) and yes, perhaps you can put this behind the two of you and give him the benefit of the doubt and return to trust mode....but do not hold your breath. Most men do not respond as we would want them to, no matter how hard we try, as sad as it is. There are those who do, and if you can make it work, by all means, DO IT!!!! But, do not stick around if you continue to see signs and continue to be miserable...please, please! Life is too short to hurt and be unhappy even a little, and no matter how much we love "now", we eventually get over it if it's not working...and we eventually say to ourselves "OMG...what the hell was I even thinking?! I put up with that?! Life is so much better now" (either alone or with someone else) and "I'm definitely happier than I was when I was with that a$$ho/e!"...
Please be wise...follow your heart...but DO follow the logical part of your mind and the advise of others...some of it can be the best advise of your life...it may not seem so at the time, but in time you will see that it was!
Take care of you, your health~mentally and physically, and remember how worthy you are of the best life has to offer!
Happiness ALWAYS!
J :)
2007-09-02 22:35:45 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Firstly you are not paranoid, secondly it's not the first time and won't be the last.
The advice that I'm about to give is not going to be what you want to hear, nor is it going to be simple, just honest and straight.
The culturalisation of men is basically a myth, we are no different now than we were tens of thousands of years ago, we have a primeval urge to hunt for women, it excites us. The difference is that we can't hit them over the head and drag them back to our cave so flirting has become the modus operandi. You have stated that you don't believe that it's become physical, if it hasn't yet then it probably won't as long as you don't push him there, it's his game with himself. She is enjoying being flirted with and he is enjoying the fact that she is enjoying it.
To all of the women out there who are saying 'My husband/partner would never do that'. Rubbish.
To all the men saying ' That's not me'. Really? Don't you walk a little taller, smile a little broader, find an excuse to stop and have a chat when you past the desk of the cute one in the office ? If you don't then well done, but i'd get your testosterone level checked.
Now the crunch, why did you choose him in the first place? He was lively? Funny? Masculine? Those are the very same things that she thinks too and he likes to be thought of in that way. Treat the whole thing as a minor irritation, he hasn't got physical so he doesn't want to and like a cat with a mouse he's prolonging the hunt until he gets bored and moves on. He won't even have properly brooched the subject because if he had and she'd have yes then he'd be in a dilemma and if she'd said no he would have dropped her like a hot potato.
Keep his balls empty and his mind full. He does love you otherwise he would be making excuses to go out at odd times or inventing weekend work based meetings in another town.
Your choice is simple, place the other girl in your folder marked 'irrelevant, childish male fantasy', don't get jealous and if you do don't let him know, it will only empower him. Otherwise you could dump him and meet someone else who may be better at hiding his flirtations and could even act them out.
There I told you you wouldn't want the advice.
2007-09-02 23:26:52 · answer #2 · answered by mark.stan 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough situation and I understand what you are going through. The only thing I can tell you is that nothing is ever set in stone. No releationship or career path or anything at all really. Life changes faster than the wind and seven months is not a very long time at all to be with a person (even though you both love each other already). You need to talk to her about your insecurities, whether you'd like to or not. These goals, plans, concerns, and troubles must be put into the open. Then you will be better able to make a decision.
2016-05-20 00:06:23 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hiya,
I am sorry you have to go through this.
There is a simple solution, but the consequences of this solution may not be desirable.
You just have to say - or words to the effect - that you suspect something is going on with him and the woman (even if you have said it before) and he has done nothing to really put your mind at ease. So give him one last chance to admit to it. Tell him you need to know now if something is happening with this woman. Then ask if he wants something to happen with her, is there something missing in your relationship that is making him encourage her behaviour. Ask if he is actually thinking about having an affair with someone else perhaps.
But you MUST ask him to be honest and you should tell him of what you plan to do in either situation. You must make it clear that you just want to get this woman out of your life as she is causing you misery.
If his responses are positive towards your relationship, tell him that you have to move to get away from this woman, as while she is still around, you will never know what she is up to. I am not sure if you watch Coronation Street, but even that Ashley cheated on his wife, which shows that even the most adoring husbands/partners can feel at a low enough ebb to cheat if the temptation is in their face. Then you start a new life in a new place together and put all this behind you.
If his responses indicate that he has cheated with this woman, or had planned to, or indeed plans to in the future, and that he is not happy in the relationship with you, you need to move out and leave him.
This will not be easy, as when you set up home with someone, there are a lot of financial problems to deal with (house sale/bills/how will I survive on my salary/do we have debts together). But do not stay with this man just because it will be tricky to move out and get on with your life. We can all reinvent ourselves and get back on our feet, we do not have to stay in an unhappy relationship, but it will take time, and you may be unhappy to begin with. Also, having been in a relationship for a while, you may not be as body confident as you once were, but again, that can also be sorted if you have that issue! A few nights at the gym, a nice pampering session at the salon, some new clothes, you know the kind of thing!
I just hope that it is the first option you have to go through with, and not the latter, as it will be a change of life for you, but in the end whichever you choose, you need to get it sorted so that you waste no more of your life thinking about this woman.
2007-09-02 23:25:01 · answer #4 · answered by fire_woman_1978 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give him an ultimatum. If you love him tell him so ,and also let him know you won't share him with any other woman. Tell him if he can't break ties with her, at least with this flirty businee then he's gonna lose you as you won't stand for second place.Good luck
2007-09-02 22:01:55 · answer #5 · answered by †100% Angel† 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to have trust to make a relationship work. Talk it through with your bf, if your still not satisfied with his answers then get out before you get hurt even more
2007-09-03 00:31:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Before you act on this matter have a through talk with both of them and come to an conclussion
2007-09-02 22:02:11 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
By the sounds of it its not all in your head. You need to realise your not paranoid! this really cant be good for your confidence either.
Its not nice feeling like this, I used to suspect my ex and he made out it was all in my head. Until we broke up recently I realised he was so wrong to treat me that way. you shouldnt put up with it!
2007-09-02 22:06:46 · answer #8 · answered by dontlookatmeishy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he was sending her sexy emails, he is being very disrespectful to you. He may even be doing her. I would not put up with that. He has already proven that he can not be trusted when he lied to you.
2007-09-02 22:00:32 · answer #9 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you need to tell her to stay away, bcause the truth is she's the one who's started this, you need to tell him that he can't have you both and needs to open his eyes to what she's trying to do, good luck xxxx
2007-09-02 23:09:22 · answer #10 · answered by ωєℓѕн 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋