I am still not at peace with not going back to my ex-husband despite the fact that he was controlling and verbally mean. He also micromanaged all issues in the house.
I feel sad when I see other intact families or couples and wonder where I went wrong.
I feel that I am ruining my 15 year old daughter's life since she is used to her father and grandmother and their way of life. She lived with them from the age of 10 to 15.
He moved to another state and wanted us to start over together in a new town.
I wish for her sake that I could have adjusted to his ways and made things work.
I feel sad that my daughter has to now adjust to a new school and living environment.
If she would have been with her Dad, she would have had at least one familiar person in her life.
I see my brother and feel that he does set limits and controls his wife in some ways. Maybe all men are controlling in some ways or another and the problems was me?
2007-09-02 17:47:40 · 7 answers · asked by Stareyes 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You aren't at peace with your decision because you clearly blame yourself for the divorce and somehow believe that you are truly ruining your daughter's life.
First of all, you aren't ruining your daughter's life; kids are resilient, and though teenagers may be moody and act horribly, they are still capable of rationalizing and understanding that certain choices must be made. You should have a talk with her about how she feels with respect to the divorce and to the new living/school arrangements. Ask her for ideas on how the two of you can work together to make the adjustment go smoothly.
Second, you should not under any circumstances blame yourself for your ex-husband's actions. You should not think that all men are controlling and that there is just something wrong with you for not wanting to put up with it. You did EXACTLY the right thing in leaving him.
No one can live in a world where someone else tries to control everything; you don't need to live with someone placing restrictions on you or abusing you (and yes, being "verbally mean" IS abuse). If you were unhappy with the way your life together was, then you were completely within your rights to do all you could to change things.
You don't have to be miserable; you don't deserve it. You fought for your freedom and your happiness; don't let guilt over a failed marriage continue to keep you caged.
2007-09-02 18:05:29 · answer #1 · answered by Jules 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am going through something similar myself. I left my husband about 6 months ago (he was also very controlling and verbally abusive) and I still have days where I regret my decision primarily because we have a 10 year old son together and I think how nice it would be if I could've tried harder to make things work for his sake.
However, I have been reading a lot about abusive relationships and experts say it is natural to have doubts about leaving any relationship that you have been in for a long time, even if the relationship was not good/healthy and even if it ultimately would not have worked out for the best.
Whenever I start feeling nostalgic about being with my ex, I try to think about all the bad times we had and I remind myself that probably what's driving those feelings is a desire for familiarity (we were together 10 years) and a fear of change, not a sincere desire to return to the relationship. Every break up does require a certain amount of loss and that can be painful, but that doesn't mean that you can't be that much greater with out him or that going back to the way things were will magically get rid of your emotional pain.
All people may be controlling to a certain extent, but if you and your husband had such minor problems in the relationship, you probably wouldn't have gotten this far in the break up process. I think also that it is too easy to idealize a relationship when you're no longer living it day to day.
If you do seriously consider going back to him, just make sure he has the ability to change so that any future relationship won't be just a painful repeat of what has already happened.
Good luck!
2007-09-02 18:08:25 · answer #2 · answered by Janineisacoolsouthernchick 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you said yourself right there what the problem is, you miss being a couple. The thing your not seeing right now, is that you don't need to be. you can do just fine on your own with out someone bossing you around! My husband tried one time to tell me what to do! He told me I could not go to town today,I asked him why, he said because I said so. I looked at him, picked up my purse and went. and I didn't come home til around 8:00 that night! 10hrs I was gone! Now, he says ' well, I'd prefer you didn't go, but if you have tooooooo.
lol,, dont worry, you'll find the right one, and as for your daughter, you really dont want her to grow up and find a man, just like her dad! Show her, a husband/boyfriend should never behave that way, its unacceptable!
2007-09-02 17:58:02 · answer #3 · answered by connieak76 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Hold up!!! stop feeling guilty....you did what was best for you and your daughter. I was married to a man who did the same thing except a little physical went on as well. I left after 10 years and felt bad as well however I did what was best. My kids after time adjusted and I was a better mom to them as I felt better about myself.
2007-09-03 03:45:23 · answer #4 · answered by Stephanie P 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it all boils down to what you are willing to live with.. think of it like this.. if you were your daughter and she was saying these same things.. what would you tell her. my guess is you dont have to live like that and i am always here for you.. if feel you should do what your heads telling you.. you dont feel at peace with this then it must not be working out as you had hoped. you cant change him so you have to change you and what your value of life and relationships are. controling and being verbally abusive is not a good thing for you and sure isnt for her.. her being a young adult and sees mom being treated this way may make her think this is ok behavior.. and you and i both know thats not right at all. i see in your words that your head is telling you that your not happy were things are at.. i wish you well. good luck
2007-09-02 18:04:16 · answer #5 · answered by Kat 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Ask your daughter for her input, remember, 15 is an extremely important time for her.
You want her to be as happy as possible, especially seeing your family has had troubles.
Before moving in with your ex-husband, I advise setting out rules with him.
A family consists of compromises, not a dictatorship. You should give everyone a say. You should also have just as much control over the house-hold as he does.
That's probably what you should be doing if you want him to lay-off a bit.
Good luck ;)
2007-09-02 17:54:17 · answer #6 · answered by Jack 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Well it seems both your husband and your brother are a**holes. NOT ALL MEN ACT LIKE THAT.
2007-09-02 18:01:00 · answer #7 · answered by Cocó 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋