does anyone know what could be going on with my 4 year old?

Question

he loves to paint and color and stuff and they do it all the time at school. i also set time aside everyday for us to paint and do art stuff. but he still about once a week will color on the walls or couch. and now he's gotten to where instead of using a crayon, he'll climb into my closet and get out the paints. one day he found a permanent marker and one day he found fingernail polish. none of it will come out of the furnature. he usually does it in the morning when i'm asleep or when i am cleaning up from dinner or art time. i don't know what to do. i've tried spanking him, grounding him, and even breaking his toys to show him how it feels when someone tears up your stuff. nothing is working. please help. i'm starting to lose control.

Answer 1

First of all, take a deep breath. I know the aggravation you are feeling! I don't believe there is a mother in the WORLD who has not experienced that feeling.

Let me just say, that your son does not understand, just yet, how much his actions effect other people. This is a more advanced social understanding and try to remember that he is not doing this to make you angry, to hurt you or even 'in spite of' the fact that you are angry. He simply just has the impulse and cannot help himself. He is not acting out. It is just his age. But you CAN make him understand that this is a no no.

So when he sees you breaking his toys, he does not understand that it is connected with what he has done to the furniture.

My son is also a budding artist. ;) and he believes the bigger the 'art' the better. Maybe our sons will paint murals on buildings one day, but for now, we must make them understand at their level that this is not okay....we must also 'enable' them to not do this by keeping his art supplies, lipstick, permanent markers etc out of reach. Let him know these are off limit items. And remember that children learn by repetition, saying something several times, and not by the loudness of your voice. A calm voice helps him to understand that YOU are in control of yourself and that he needs to listen. Often a loud voice will make a child "shut off" and will make him respond with a loud voice. I have seen this time adn time again. When my son throws a fit. If I hold him on my lap and say his name or "listen to mama" a few times in his ear, he will stop, sniff, and turn his attention to me. But if I yell too, he yells louder! It's amazing!!!! hehe.

First of all, if he does this again, take a deep breath and remember 'it's just a wall/sofa etc' and then get down on his level, look him in the eyes and tell him in a calm voice "Son, this is a BIG no-no. This is a mess. Mommy LOVES your art/drawing/crayon (whatever word he associates with his drawing) when you keep in on the paper. But when you put your art/drawing/crayon on the wall/tv/sofa, it makes mama sad/angry (make the corrisponding face for that emotion)." Then put a wipe or towel in his hand and make him help you clean it up. Make him stay there until the whole thing is cleaned. He will NOT like this because it will not be a fun thing.

Also, this will help him to understand better the consequenses because it coinsides with the action. Where as he would not see the link between a spanking or breaking his toy.

I really hope that this makes sense. :)

Good luck.

Answer 2

Please! This is not a hard problem! Get a lock, any lock on a closet door. Keep all the things he might paint with, and all the art supplies, in that closet. It's as easy as installing a sliding chain lock too high for him to reach.

Your son simply LOVES to paint. This is a good thing. Your job is to keep him from painting with the wrong tools. Spanking won't work because he still loves to paint--his personality is DRIVING him to paint. Breaking his toys is a loony idea. Nothing is working because you can't change his personality. He's an artist. You just have to manage the artist in him, just manipulate his personality, bend it just a little so that other things in his life don't get lost.

TX Mom

Answer 3

He is a normal 4 year old---no different than anyone else---YOU have to accept that responsibility when it comes to behavior. LOCK UP the paints and the markers and anything else--he could drink it and get poisoned--hey.. he is 4. Bad behavior needs to be handled--NO is NO and let him know what acceptable behavior is--in a few well chosen words. Art can be done with limits and boundaries--YOU have to make it clear whar is acceptable and what is not---he is 4---take control and set those limits. Kids get into everything--get the cabinets locked and put stuff out of reach--GOD--kids play with matches and play under the sink--you have got to think about this NOW !!! Millions of 4 year olds do this stuff--keep cool and be a parent

Answer 4

With three that young I can imagine you are feeling overwhelmed, Try and see if you can get some help around the house. Also do not fixate on trying to getting everything done all the time. With that many little ones trying to keep everything neat and tidy all the time will just wear you out. Its just a matter of finding balance and I am hoping that your spouse is helping as well and your not just trying to do everything yourself. I kind of know what your going through in that my kids, though they are 19 and 17 now, are very close togther in age. Wife and I were run ragged when they were in diapers it wasnt until they starte kindergarten things kind of settled down. So there is light at the end of the tunnel once they are all in school (age) it will be a little easier until they hit teens then a whole new type of stress haha.

Answer 5

At 4 years old, he should be able to understand that what he is doing is wrong. At this point, I would take away EVERYTHING that he can use to color. And only under supervision let him color with washable markers. And my favorite punishment.....put his favorite toy on top of the fridge for a day or 2. Leave it near the edge so he can see it. Tell him that unless he stops coloring on anything other than paper, the toy will remain there!! Good luck and invest in some MR.CLEAN MAGIC ERASERS!!!! They work wonders!!

Answer 6

Put ALL the art stuff away where he can't get if and only let him use it when you are around. Lock it up if you have to. You need to be consistent when you punish him, I suggest you make him clean it up every time...even when it won't come out, he needs to keep cleaning.
My kids like to draw on themselves...which is fine until they found a permanent marker my husband bought home...by the way, baby wipes take off permanent marker on most things.

Answer 7

Hi! I have a three year old that writes on everything also. I know everyone wants to say lock the paints up keep everything away but lets be realistic that isn't going to happen to every writing tool in the house. I can't tell you what to do to change it but I will say I feel your pain and I hope he grows out of it soon. Good Luck !

Answer 8

You need to take up all the art supplies and get rid of them. It sounds like he's definitely not going to mind you regarding not writing on the walls.

Tell him when you know he can be a big boy and only write on paper and color books then you will bring more supplies into the house.

Answer 9

It sounds like he is trying to get your attention. I would put away anything that he could possibly write on the walls, etc with. Have you tried rewarding him when he IS behaving? Maybe you could give him a daily or weekly reward, just something small that he could earn for not writing on inappropriate places. It doesn't have to be a thing but maybe an outing, something you could do together that he could look forward to. Hope this helps!

Answer 10

I suggest you confine him to the area your working in so that you can keep an eye on him. And be up when he is. Or your not going to have anything that isn't ruined. He might jusy want attention. but it's hard to tell unless a person lives with him.