What can I do about commitment phobia?

Question

I am talking to a guy who is awesome, but I have feelings to pull away when I get close! It's like relationship bipolar. One moment I am all cheesy...nxt-want to back away..... *frustrated* but with myself...

Answer 1

A girl can't be to careful,I think guarding your heart is a good thing.If more girls would be like you they'd be happier.You'll know when you can trust and with trust comes commitment.

Answer 2

Like any other problem you will encounter in life whether is relationships or math what you must first do is identify what the source of the problem is. That is to say what exactly causes your phobia. Why are you afraid? What experiences have led you to this? What is there to loose or gain?

Once you identify the source of your fear then try to understand it. That is you know what started it now, what does it means to you? What does commitment means to you? Note that what commitment means to you may be different to what commitment means to him?

Alright now that you understand the fear then the fear is gone. You see we only fear those things we do not understand. Once you understand something the fear goes away. This doesn't mean you will like it. It just means you will not be afraid of it.


On a different approach to the same subject, could it be a control thing. Maybe you have too much control on the relationship or lack of control? A lot of people feel that if they have too much control or at least perceive control they stop liking the relationship because is too easy. I have seen my wife have this problem. You see I'm a very nice guy most of the time. About 90% of the time. So, there have been the case where she had confuse niceness with weakness. Well, thats when the other 10% come in. The not so nice guy who likes to destroy people. The monster whos name is best not spoken sort of. Well, I'm not a violent person by any means but I can be mean and brutal. Well, this 10% convinces her that her actions are not apropriate to say the least hehehe. I'm not weak. What I'm trying to get at is that if you have too much control you may feel that you are going nowhere because you already achieve the top of the ladder.

Now the opposite is also true. A lot of people fear control. They are afraid of not being in control. I for example do not like plain rides because I'm not piloting the plane. Well, that and other reasons that have nothing to do with this topic. I also do not like rollercoaster rides again because there is no control. Once you get in them your life is in the machines hands. Same with a relationship. In a relationship the best you can do is controlled your actions and even these can come into question many a times. What the other person does is really up to them. For example, if your mates wants to cheat on you then that is that. There isn't much you can do to stop them. All, you can do is be yourself and be very diplomatic and hope they don't do such things.

Answer 3

If this is a first time thing, you might want to pay attention to your instincts. However, if you've done this before with other great guys it you may want to do some analysis on your deeper feelings. Do you have feelings/fear of abandonment because of things in your past? Maybe your life plan doesn't fit with an intense relationship right now. Where do you want to be in five years? Where does having a boyfriend/partner fit into that plan? Could the back and forth you're feeling be because of these underlying issues warring with your desire to be part of a couple? If the guy is really "awesome" then he will give you time and space you need to deal with these issues.

Answer 4

Just don't settle yet. Have fun exploring your options. Any time you feel the phobia coming back on, it's time to back off. I was the exact same way- always pulling away when someone got too close. But i stuck it out with one guy, even though it hurt me and I couldn't understand it, but it was worth it for all the good moments, and eventually the feeling of commitment-phobia went away and now we're so in love.

Answer 5

If you are not ready to get married then quit the stupidity and drop the bi-polar act . STOP THE DATING !
If you are elgible for real commitment then you'll get over your phobia when the dude is more worth it . Your fear is a layer of personal protection that is there for your own good . The guy is problably less awesome than you think or maybe you just arn't ready .
I am guessing you are getting caught up with the Disney channel peer pressure that pushes young people to get hitched well before it's time . Lay off the TV too .

Answer 6

You just have to dive in, if you want the relationship. I don't know, I'm tempted to say that I don't think you're that in to him. If you are pulling back, perhaps it's for a good reason. The beginnings of relationships are always soooo fun, and then reality sets in.

You have to figure out if these back out times are red flags, or cold feet. Lots of crappy guys come around, but when the right one enters our lives, it's supposed to be wonderful. And then we wouldn't have these commitment issues.

I don't know, good luck. It's hard.

Answer 7

tell him that your really interested in him and if he wants your relationship to potentially grow and turn into something serious you'll need his help in overcoming your commitment phobia. Because once he understands your problem and how it obsolutely has nothing to do with how you feel about him he'll want to stick around and make it work. But the first step is you being upfront with your feeling towards him and your problem.

Answer 8

Fear of commitment began in early childhood when something around your parents scared you about love and you felt trapped. To best work with this issue begin a communication with your inner child. To locate her imagine that you are walking in a beautiful garden and in the middle of the garden you see a small child--that child is you at a young age.

Ask the child if you and her can sit and talk... If you want put her on your lap and hold her close to your heart. At first it might be difficult to communicate with her. As the adult it is your responsibility to pursue the conversation. You are building inner trust and an inner relationship with yourself.

Ask the child what frightened her around love. Allow whatever thoughts arise in you to come to the surface without judging them. This type of conversation is necessary to ascertain what stopped you from allowing love in your life. Ask questions like: "What are you afraid of?" "Who frightened you?" "Do you want to change?" Allow your inner child to answer. She might not at the beginning. The more you do this guided visualization the more comfortable she will get with you and open up to you.

As you receive answers you, as the adult can begin making changes in yourself around love. Emotional patterns get stored when we make judgment about them and to change the negative programming we must make a conscious effort. This means as the adult you must make a conscious effort to make change in your life. Once you recognize the pattern, stop, breathe and change the situation without making a negative statement about it. This is the beginning of allowing more love into your life

Answer 9

I suggest you stop playing the game if you constantly throw your racket over the net..... do not get close until you start getting some counseling because you are hurting yourself AND anyone who wants to get close with you. I'm sure it won't take long to get to the bottom of it - good luck.

Answer 10

hi