Should Dad have the final say?

Question

My kids dad and I have ben divorced for almost 6 years.We both are remarried,and still talk to each other about the kids.We also have joint custody,one week with him,one week with me.I have noticed as the kids get older,(they are 9 and 10)that whatever I say no to,he will let them do when they are with him.I have talked to him and asked that we both follow the same rules,same bedtimes,ect.But he does his own thing,he told me during our last conversation that since he is their father he should have the final say on what goes on.I am almost ready to go file for sole custody,but the kids seem to be better with this agreement.My son,(the 9 year old)is bipolar,and there are rules that have to be followed.Should I talk to Dad again,or just go find an attorney?

OK,Dad dosen't give a crap what I say,and with our son have this disorder,the rules that we both once agreed were fair have got to be kept in place.I am not saying he's wrong,and I am all for different rules at different houses,but if Mikey sees that he can get away with things,belive me, he will and it won't be pretty.And since I have ALWAYS been the bad guy,guess who gets to deal?

Answer 1

Talk to an attorney and also your children's pediatrician. It seems as though your husband is bitter, acting like a child, and is using your children to get back at you. If there are rules to be followed (serious rules), they should be agreed upon and followed at both households. Going behind your back and deliberately undermining your authority shows immaturity on his part, and he is not working toward your children's best interests.

You've already spoken to him and he's told you his views. I wouldn't necessarily go for sole custody, but get some experts on your side to back you up that this is not good for the children and needs to change. Let them advise you.

Answer 2

In Indiana, how the law works is that each parent has the final say in their own home, regardless of custody. However, your area may differ - you may need to consult a lawyer.

No, I don't think Dads should have the final say - and neither should Moms - barring physical and emotional abuse and assuming they love their children. Each should have an equal say, and the child's best interests should be first and foremost. That said, if you think the kids are better off with the current agreement, why file for sole custody?

Good luck! (:

*Edit: Based on your add'l info. - the only things I can think of are to get him to agree in writing again, then enforce in court if needed - or try to learn to live with it and just keep reinforcing your rules at your house, Dad's at his. My husby and I are the "bad" guys with our sons too - I know it's rough - but doesn't seem to be a way around it unless the other parent wants there to be and the laws change (which I can't see happening anytime soon). Disability/condition/etc. doesn't matter - at least according to the law here (we have two boys with Asperger's and ADHD). Again, good luck. And if you find another sol'n, please let me know...we'd be happy to try it ourselves. (:

Answer 3

I happen to be an attorney, and I can tell you that probably do not have enough to go into court on. That being said, there are plenty of attorneys who will gladly take your money and tell you anything you want to hear.

Custody is determined upon a best interest of the child standard, but you also must show a continuing and substantial change of circumstances before filing a Petition to Modify. When you divorce, you essentially give the other parent the right to parent however he or she sees fit. If he wants to date a stripper and have her stay overnight, you probably aren't going to be able to do much about it. All you can do is be the best parent possible when the children are around you and hope that your decision to provide structure rather than anarchy will rub off on the children. Good luck.

Answer 4

Well... to the first question, I think that both should have a say into rules, but they should stick with those rules. If you ground them for something, he should respect that, not just ignore it. About bedtime and other things, maybe you could come to an agreement that both are acceptable. If for you bedtime should be, say, 8, and for him, say he doesn't care, maybe you can have it so that they could stay up to 9 when they're with their dad, and 8 when they're with you. Just so that it's consistent. Maybe on other things could be similar, you don't have to match rules, but the kids should understand that there are rules that they have to abide by.

I think you should talk with their dad before going to an attourney and see what you can arrange.

Maybe you could consult with an attorney on what's happening, what can be done about it, and maybe if there is something you need to be aware before confronting their dad, but just as in being prepared. If things keep that way for long after you talked to the dad, you know how to proceed.

Good luck

Answer 5

Filing for sole custody is an option, but it will take time and a legal process that will harm the children. Talk to him again, and if he doesn't understand the importance of both parents being in tune, look for some family counseling. This way you can talk with the help of a mediator, who can give professional advice.

Adding lawyers to a family matter should always be the last option.

Answer 6

You should both have "final" say in your own household--and that's one way to teach it--in your home, your rules. After all, society has different sets of rules for different locations, in general, and children need to learn this.


But your son's circumstance makes things tricky. The law does not recognize "father gets final say" in any state, so far as I know. Is this inconsistency harming the child? If so, you might wish to consult an attorney. Be prepared for a horrible fight, though.

Have you tried explaining that different places have different sets of rules, and that it's important to learn how to adapt to different rules for different locations and circumstances? It's a harder lesson to teach, but the results can be very valuable.

In the end, though, it must be your decision, and I know it's a hard one to make.

Answer 7

You only get the final say if you have complete custody. If you are willing to put yourself and your kids through the entire legal battle all over again, then you might want to first consider whether it is worth (not just financially, but also consider the emotional effect it will have on the kids) it to do all of that again. Think about what will be in the best interest of the children. Then, act on that.

Answer 8

The fact that he told you that he is their father and should have final say is suggesting to me that he puts himself above you and any rules that you would like the children to follow. You could talk to him again...before you go to the expense of hiring an attorney but if that doesn't work you definitely need to seek one. I've never been a big fan of joint custody because I think it isn't good for the kids. Yes they do get to see both parents equally but it seems as though every week they are being uprooted and as you have seen yourself, each parent will have their own style which is not consistent for the kids. Kids need consistency and a set routine and an unchanging set of rules. Each week this changes for them.

Answer 9

i would find and attorney if ur son is bipolar and he has rules that he has to follow and the father isnt goin by them then yes this could be a problem
im not a shrink or anything but i think that if your son doesnt go by those rules at all times it could be bad when he is a teen

just my opinion


oh and the dad should never have the final say!!!!!!
i think it should be who ever is right has the final say in things

Answer 10

I could see this if it was drug's, playing in the street, or other things that could cause them great harm. But being rather trivial thing's. why are you takeing it out on the kids? there the ones gonna hurt most by this.
Also this goes on in alot of marriages that are good. mine being one. we have a very good relationsip, though at times we don't always see eye to eye on thing's. If your marriage was going great exept for this would your reaction be the same. Would it be a reason enough for a divorce?
one thing too ask him maybe too explain too the kids that maybe some rules are different between the 2 house hold's and that they have too live by your rules when they are with you. this is what my parents did.