How would you handle this?

Question

My 11(12 in about a week) suggested that we purchase white tee shirts and markers to make tee shirts for our high school football team games. I told her no, that I didn't have time to deal with the mess right now. The next day my husband took the kids to the Dollar Store, she purchased tee shirts and food coloring. When she came home she took these items into her room and proceeded to decorate the tee shirts with food coloring (all of this was without permission). Our 5-year old just found the mess that came of that experiment. The 11 year old got food coloring on the sofa in the bedroom, the carpet, and several pieces of brand new school clothes (unfortunately those school clothes belonged to the 5 year old).

How would you handle this? I am really angery because she ruined so many items, disobeyed me and manipulated my husband. My husband does think it is a big deal because the carpet is somewhat old and the couch, while not very old, isn't very atractive.

I meant that my husband does NOT think it is big deal. typo. sorry.

Also, if anyone has any ideas of how to clean up this mess I would appricate the advice. I don't know of anything that will take out food coloring.

KatieKat you are sooo smart. I just tried a spot and it worked! I feel less like wringing my kid's neck now that I know the food coloring will come out!

Answer Girl and Gh0st: playing one parent off of the other is NOT okay, at least not in this household.

Also it is completely unreasonable to think that my husband and I know everything that has come out of the others mouth in any given day. As far as me not having time, it is the truth. At the moment, my dad is sick and I am the sole person taking him to doctors appointments, I have four children all involved in a sport and my husband is an active duty Army recruiter (this means that he works between 65 and 70 hours a week). I think that at 11 she is plenty old enough to understand that sometimes I really do not have the time do work on a craft with her.

Answer 1

you might try on the school clothes - oxy clean. It has done alot on my kids clothes. the club soda and baking soda may work on those as well.

As far as the child goes she ws wrong and needs a good talking to , but honestly sometimes as parent we get so wrapped up into sports and scheldues that we miss important things with our kids. this seemed important to her.
Maybe next time you can talk to her about her creativeness and say well we may not can do this today but I will help you with this tommorow. This way she isnt just getting no it is over but we can do this another time.

Maybe when she asked dad - she was looking for his help in the project and when he said no he wouldnt help she decided to try it on here own.

As far as if she manupailte you and dad against the answer then I would talk to my husband and we would agree to not do anything without talking to the other , this way she can do this again.

AS far punshing i would proably make her scrub the couch, the carpet and clean it all up, if the clothes can't be cleaned I would make her give up her new clothes to pay for the new ones for the 5 year old. then I would tell her about how we as parent didsapprove of being played against each other when I have already said no, inform her of your agreement that nothing will be bought or done anymore without either parent being aware because of her actions.

Answer 2

Well, the only big deal is that your kid disobeyed you. However she did get permission from dad, which makes it not as bad.

Punish her for the mess but not too harsh. You've got to look at yourself and realize that you told her you "didn't have time to deal with the mess right now". In hindsight I bet that reason you gave seems pretty lame right?

If your kids want to do something the right way than make time for them. Life and childhood are too short to put things off. Enjoy your kids before they don't need or want you anymore because it is inevitable that this time will come.

Try to clean the mess up together and next time set aside some time to have some fun and get messy!

Good parenting friend!

Answer 3

This shows poor communication between you and your husband, and guess what? the children know this, and they will always take advantage of this. First, you need to have a talk with your husband about how open communication can be adjusted. You don't want to go unaware of permissions and same thing goes to him.
We, as parents should always be there for our kids.....that's the commitment we get when we
order" them it's a responsability.
Your 12 yrs. old was asking for your help, I can see it was a fun project for the Team. kids like to do this. He was not asking for something "unreal" and out of limits..."I do not have time dor this mess" was your response....what other choice did you give her? none..............
How about having an area for these special projects? you daughter seems like she's involved in activities, she's creative, she needs your help. Now, sometimes the issue is money...(I know how we spend in stuff), but simply practical, found on sale items, etc, little by litle we create our supplies for stuff like this.
Now, she was on her own on this one, the 5yrs old, we all have or had "one of these", and they are so active and adventurous, that we, parents always need to know where they are, and what are they doing....obviously there was enough unsupervised time, for him to do all these.
It's not funny, and I know you're desesperate, but we learn from our experiences. parenting is not easy, but if you are organized and a good supervisor (just like we all learn from our kids).
I am sorry, about the cleaning, I would try everything in my kitchen to clean it....hope you find something.
My kids were never allowed to bring any scissors,pencils,crayons,pens, etc,etc etc to the living room. and they knew this.
painting outside, or in the garage, you know an acceptable area assigned by you.
I would just talk to her, and make the rules clear so it won't happen again, and I would definetly talk to my husband. We are to talk about permissions before granted.

Answer 4

Does your 11 year old earn money any way, chores, yard work, etc?

You can tell your 11 year old that until she earns the money to replace the ruined clothes, she cannot do something she really likes to do.

My brothers & I made a similar mess at our house while growing up and my parents took all the televisions and stereos out of the house until my brothers & myself cleaned the mess and paid for the repairs. We NEVER made that mess or did anything that destructive again.

Answer 5

Honestly, I think this has to with lack of communication between you and your husband. What your daughter did was wrong. However, you should have made it clear to your husband that she was NOT allowed to have these items.

It's the old, "if mom say NO, Dad will say YES" trick. Your daughter knows that you and your husband did not communicate or have similar ideas on this situation.

In her mind, her FATHER gave her permission. Yes, you did say no. But, I would not call that manipulation. Plenty of times growing up, my father would tell me to do as I was told by him. If he bought we clothes or toys I was not suppose to have, we just didn't tell mom. Dad's sometimes spoil their daughters. In her eyes, she was fine in her actions b/c Daddy said it was OK. I mean, are you saying you have total authority over your childrens action. Are they not suppose to listen to their father only their mother?

I would be more upset for your husband buying the items and not thinking of the consquensces or saying, " I bought (DD name) paint supplies at the store." That would have stopped this in the first place. You know..........

At this point in time, I would not do anything. In the grand scheme of things, is painting a shirt and being creative all that negative. OK, she made a mess....but you said yourself the carpert and sofa were not new and not attractive.

I would just start communicating with your husband better.

Answer 6

if shes about to be 12, she certainly should know better. if i were you, i would take something away from her (allowance, computer, t.v etc) and if you ever find a way to get the food coloring out (sorry i dont know about that one) you should make her help. i, personally, wouldn't yell and scream, kids are good at tuning that out. sit her down and tell her what she did was wrong and why, also remind her that shes old enough to know that when someone says no, it means no, and not to go to other people to try and get her way,

Answer 7

She needs to be punished. You explicitly told her not to do something and she defied you. Make her clean everything she messed up, even if she cant completely do it correctly, the labor should be enough.
She also needs to repay her sister for the school clothes she ruined. Make her do something for her, or withhold allowance

Answer 8

Ground him and have him clean up the mess.

Answer 9

about the carpet,... club soda or baking soda mixed with vinegar;shake it up the fizz works good.

Answer 10

you should ground her. no tv, computer(except 4 hw), video games for a week.