Help with understanding....a personality disorder?

Question

I have a friend who I have known for about 25 years. He is miserable all the time. It's taken me 25 years to understand this. He seems very self-absorbed, very self-focused. He doesn't fit all of the criteria for any one personality disorder. I thought Narcissistic...but doesn't fit it all. BPD? Same thing. Depressed maybe, but I think it's so much more. He has serious struggles with relationships. Can't sustain one for long. Very destructive to those he's involved with not because of deliberate abuse, but because he flip-flops so much. One never knows where one stands with him. He has no interest in his family and has basically turned his back on them in a passive way. He is career military. Very unstable emotionally, so tends to shut out emotion. Can someone give me some guidance? I'm trying to point him in a direction, but the map is upside down and turned around!

In response to the person who asked this:

"So i'm curious of how did you come to that observation that he's very self-absorbed, etc... "

I have never heard him speak of anything but himself. He has a daughter...seldom mentions her. He's not a bad person, nor an abusive person in any way (except possible emotionally abusive to anyone he becomes involved with). It's just....all about him. He's always talking about "sheltering himself"...."making sure he's not vulnerable"...he's very polite....listens intently to people. Very stoic. But in vulnerable moments, it all comes back to him. I've expected him to grow somewhat over the last 20 years. He's self-focused much the way a teenager is.

Answer 1

Yep. Definitely not Bipolar, which you probably know is not a personality disorder, anyway.

Fundamentally, your friend sounds like he has a combination of things. The only single one that comes to mind is possible PTSD from something before he joined the military, maybe compounded by something later in the service. Maybe shades of Borderline, but not the whole enchalada if that's him at all.

The truth is that you as a friend do not need to figure out or know what his specific problem is. Your role in helping him is to encourage him to see a therapist or psychologist. If on the off chance that he does need medication, the therapist can help him understand that and will refer him to a doctor. Even as career military, he can see a civilian therapist and keep it out of his military records. Hopefully, he'll realize that life can be fuller than what he has now.

Answer 2

Obviously w/o knowin the person or upon meetin them if I found this out abt them, then it would b too much of a headache to wanna plunge into. However, once I fall in love w this person n then I find out, I feel there's no turnin back. Not to say that u should b deceitful to ur mate n lie abt it, but def don't bring it up first thng. (Well MAYB the trans thng, yes. The disorder, no.) But I thnk most importantly, u gotta work hard to get better. I'm not at all tryna b insensitive by saying that, but u also need to understand that it's just to stressful having to fight n argue w someone u love that it makes it difficult to have a happy, healthy relationshis, let alone one that will last. I wish u the best of luck n much happiness♪

Answer 3

This is probably not Bipolar--there seem to be amateur psychologists in here all the time that think that any personality problem that has changeableness as a characteristic it must be Bipolar, Bipolar is a serious disorder that typically has it's extreme moods spread out over many months at a time.

Your friend may have post traumatic stress disorder or something else together with several things, he needs a full workup by a clinical psychiatrist.

Answer 4

This is difficult to judge as being anxiety or depression related cuz all the cases of mental disorders i saw always involved anxiety and the anxiety is to be associated with some kinda attention disorder as well...But you said he is very self-absorbed and self-focused...Other than that, he could be emotionally unstable and suffering from anxiety disorder but not bi-polar according to the rest of what you've described....So i'm curious of how did you come to that observation that he's very self-absorbed, etc...

Answer 5

I swear you just described my ex-boyfriend (or so I call him, he claims he never was, even though we had a relationship on & off for 10 years). I never really knew where I stood with him, though he knew I was always there for him. He was in the Military, miserable, no real interest in his family (moved away, doesn't really speak to them a lot), narcissistic, and self-absorbed. Near the end of our realtionship I had to let him go because he got really verbally abusive. He told me that I was not good enough for him, I was stupid & weird for always being there for him, and he lied when he said that he wanted to marry me. I think it was kind of a "misery loves company" thing. I just couldn't take it anymore, he actually succeeded in pushing my self-esteem to an all-time low. I tried to be there for him, but I had to get out and save myself. I tried everything I know to get him to be OK, nothing worked. I tried to be a girlfriend that was always there for him, when that didn't work I tried to be just his friend. Nothing worked!!! I dunno whether he was bipolar, depressed, or what. He'd be OK for weeks, then one day he would just get quiet and evil and I knew what was coming. That would happen over & over & over again. He always used excuses for how he behaved (innoculation effects, stress, etc). No matter what people told him, he was miserable... He even got a self-destructive, even though he was very intelligent.

This is an example of his logic... He said that one day he wanted to marry me... but then sometimes he said that he felt bad because people always thought of him as his mom's "good son" (he has 2 other brothers). He said that he should just go out and get someone pregnant because he didn't want his brothers to feel bad about themselves??? What the...??? I dunno what eventually happened to him. I had to cut him off completely... and I felt horrible when I did, but eventually I realized I did the right thing. Maybe he's happily married now and someone finally connected with him, I dunno. He came to my door about 3 months ago claiming he was in town and was just stopping by to see his friends and family. Luckily I was not there and my mum told him that I would not be available to talk to. I still don't know what he really wanted. I wonder sometimes, but I know I just can't go thru that pain again, even just talking to him.

In my opinion, your friend is just making himself miserable. He has the ability to get help, but he doesn't want to. He's waiting for something or someone to come and make him change on his terms, that person may or may not exist. He has to find his own way. Be there for him, just don't get emotionally involved to the point where he has tha ability to make you miserable too... he will drag you down with him.

Answer 6

You can only do so much for someone else. You can tell him positive ways for him to help himself feel better, suggest counseling, and then pray that he finds a way to be happier. good luck to you.

Answer 7

Sounds like he could be bi-polar. The best advice I can give you is to have him see a doctor that can diagnose this and with the right meds he will be alot happier. I have daughter and granddaughter that have a similar problem and then are both on meds and doing wonderful. In fact my granddaughter calls her meds her happy pills. Just help him/her find a good doctor.

Answer 8

If he is in the military he probably already knows if there is something seriously wrong with him because they do psych tests and will in most cases tell him he needs help.