my 3 year old son does not listen to a word i say?

Question

when i ask my son to do something he totally ignores me or does the opposite to what i ask. he makes a mess and refuses to clean it up. he hits his sister regularly and when i tell him not to do that again he hits or kicks me. what should i do to get my son to obey me.

Answer 1

I have a daughter and she listens to what I say, and does what I ask, the trick was to never let it get to the point where not doing what I ask is important. (shes 2 1/2). She will test me occasionally but she knows the drill now that its not a problem. theres 2 sides to telling you kid to do something.

Pre-emptive-
Say thier name first.
Make sure they can hear you, if they are excited, you have to get their attention first. "autumn...would you like to go to the park". (take her arm, put my head at her level if necessary, rare that i have to)
If telling your kid to do something is in their best interest, let them know. "Autumn... I'd like you to pick up your toys, when the toys are picked up, we can go to the park".
Establish my expectations- She knows its not ok to ignore me. I have told her this in the past, and used a dialouge to establish it. I asked her if she likes it when she talks to mommy and mommy doesnt talk back. Daddy doesnt like it either etc.

Consequences
- get your childs attention, they are toddlers and it will happen sometimes no matter what. I hold her arm, say her name, and bring my head to her level. I repeat myself one time and give her a choice. "Autumn, did you hear daddy tell you to pick up the puzzle peices yes or no? If no, repeat and let her do it. If she says yes, let her know its not ok to ignore me, That I expect her to do what I say, and that if she doesnt start doing what I say by the count of three she wont get any more movies today, after that elapses, i move on to chocolate, and whatever else she might enjoy. I only do this technique for things I know she can accomplish.

If shes being disobedient I do the time out thing, but its rare. If its in the mall or a public place its easy to address, i just take her out of the mall, explain to her why were leaving, and stay outside till she calms down, after she calmed down I talked about what happened why it was appropriate and that she should apologize to me and why she should apologize to her mother. I had to do it 2 times.

Most behaivores are squashed before they become a problem. Never ignore your kid, they will act out in frustration or lack of boundries from what ive seen.
My daughter had a brief episode with hitting (my wife). When I heard about it, this is what i did.
1-When she was calm. I brought it up, and told her that
mommy doesnt like to be hit and what she did upset her.
(I think i asked her if she did it out of meaness or playing)
2- I told her that if she hit mommy again, i would be very dissapointed and that it hurt mommies feelings. I told her that me and mommy talked about it and if it happend again she would get no more TV for the day and we would put her in time out.
3- When she got put into time out- She would sit untillshe stopped crying (she always crys when we put her in, stops in about a minute usually) I ask her if shes done fussing. If she says yes, we review the consequences of hitting mommy, then we review why it was bad. I include a question about how would she like when "child x" hit her (mall, daycare, some incident). I tell her that i'm upset about it, again with what I dont want her to do. I asked her why she hit mommy, (if she wanted something, redirect her behavior to using words, if playing suggest a different way to play). Before she can get up, I ask her if its ok to hit mommy, yes or no? if she says yes, i correct her, if shes stubborn, she stays till she says the correct answer. To get up, she has to go tell mommy shes sorry for hitting her.

Key for me, I watch my kid like a hawk. She knew from the beginning that if she did something wrong, it would be seen and dealt with. She also knows we love her and everything we do is for a reason thats good for her and she gets plenty of attention.


This only happend briefly, this is a combination of what I remember I did, and how I belive I handled it, how i would/do handle these situation now.

But if your kids hitting other people
-Why? Something has fallen short somewhere in the process. Kids who hit seem frustrated. This seems to usually be because they dont have boundries, consequences are inconsistent, they are ignored, or they have found they can get attention (control) by doing it, or god forbid, they see it.

Answer 2

The pain of being spanked doesn't necessarily stop behavior. Spanking is most effective in children that are simply upset that you are angry with them. If the child does not care that you are angry, then spanking might only make him act out more. The silent treatment helped when my brother acted out. He would be mean to my mom, but later would want to lay with her/have her attention. Sometimes, even after time-out, she would give him the silent treatment, and refuse to let him lay on the couch with her, etc. The older he was, the longer she would do it for, and it really upset him. Spanking him had no effect whatsoever. He was too headstrong. If your son has a different lifestyle at his father's, then there might not be any way to shelter him from the things that are in his father's household. If this is the case, then the last thing you want to do is ignore the differences. For instance, don't just ignore him if he talks about 'beer'... You could say something like, "oh, beer? Beer will make you ugly." Even if he argues, he will probably believe what you say. Plus a reaction like "Beer is bad, stay away from it!" will only make it more desirable (not saying that he is DRINKING beer now, just that if your worried about his choices way down the road, then you need to address the issues as they come up, in age-appropriate ways). Always make it clear to him that you are willing to talk about anything. If he's mad about how he's being treated, ask him why he is mad. If he won't answer and just seems to be acting bad for no reason, then he probably needs some one-on-one time with you, or your husband (but separately) to better his bond with the two of you. It always helps to remind people that come see the baby that your son is the "BIG brother"... it will make him feel special too. I also agree with the other poster that taking away toys in place of time-out is a great strategy... the general rule for taking toys or grounding kids is the older they are, the longer you take away the item/privilege. A day for a 3-year-old is great. Star charts are also great. If it's an especially favorite toy, you can take it away and tell him he has to earn a certain number of stars on his star chart to get the item back.. he can earn stars for good behavior (each instance) or maybe he has to be good for a whole day to get one star, and once he reaches 3 stars he gets the toy back.

Answer 3

Well it is the age. My daughter is 3 1/2, and we are going through a lot of the same. Time out is good - I only do one min.- if she does not settle down and stay in the corner, I add on 3o seconds until she calms down. I have spanked her before, and each to their own, but time out works better for us. A nasty little side effect of spanking, is that your child learns that if they are upset, then the way to deal with it is by hitting. I feel like the world's worst mother for spanking my child, and then seeing what she has learned from that.

Some people have suggested making picking up toys a game, and I agree. To get my daughter to help me, I sing the Wonder Pets song ("what's gonna work? teamwork!") yes, I do feel ridiculous doing that, but she loves it, and goes right to work helping to pick up her toys.

Also, maybe this isn't the best thing, but I tend to dangle carrots of motivation. For example, my daughter loves to go to the library, or to any place were she can play with other kids, so I will tell her if she does ____, then we will go to the library, or to play. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't. I just make sure that I can back up what ever I tell her.

Every child is different you have to find what works for you and your son. I hope that I have been of assistance. Good Luck!

Answer 4

This will be a long process. At 3, he has the ability to understand what you are saying. But getting him to do the right thing is a process. No miracle will fix it overnight. The best thing to do is communicate. Every time he does something wrong, speak to him. Do not yell at him or punish him at first. I know that sometimes it gets so hard to keep cool. But trust me you will get better results by staying cool. Also, when he listens to you [even if not completely] make sure to reward him. Tell him something nice, "good boy", "great job", "thank you" or anything that will praise him. Keep praising for about 7 seven days. Then on the 8th day, start to punish him for everything wrong he does as well. By punish I don't mean hitting or yelling. Tell him things like "I am upset that you did that", "Say sorry to your sister please" or simply make him clean up his mess. You can always make him clean up his mess by joining him and making cleaning fun. Like when you want him to clean up his toys, instead of putting them away, "toss" them away. Play basket ball with the toys. Mom/Dad, you have to take control. You always have to send your child the message that you respect his feelings. However you have to get him used to doing the right thing. At this age, children do not understand why they have to the right thing. So, you should be more concerned with getting him to do right. You can explain later. Simply follow the rule. Punish if he does something bad and reward when he does something nice. Also do a lot of fun things together in a team. This way he will see that his sister is fun. He will start getting along with her.

Answer 5

I would suggest you discipline him. You could try time outs, removal of privileges or toys, postponing any other activity until he does as you ask ("After you pick up your toys you may watch TV" or "Please pick up your toys so we can go to the park").

As for the hitting, I prefer time outs. Sternly say "No Hitting" remove him to someplace boring like the hallway or laundry room for three minutes, then ask him to apologize. Consistency is key whatever method.

My favorite discipline book is Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Discipline Solution, but there are many on the market and one may work for you. I know a lot of people swear by the "Love and Logic" series.

Answer 6

put him in time out for three minutes everytime he disobeys. Make sure it's in a spot where he can't reach anything or kick, such as in the corner or in the middle of the room. Be very consistent. He will get tired of going into time out. After the time out, sit him down and make him look you in the eyes and tell him again exactly what you want him to do, and tell him that he will return to time out if he does not do what you ask.

Answer 7

What kind of discipline do you use?? He will only behave as badly as you are willing to let him. BE CONSISTENT. Sit him down, tell him that you haven't treated him the way he should be treated, because you've set no boundaries for him, but that time is over, and in order to make him a better person, limits will be set starting now. Don't think that speaking to him as you would an adult is over his age-level, bc he is playing you like a fiddle right now! They are MUCH smarter than we give them credit for! Tell him your rules and what is and isnt acceptable. AND STICK TO IT!! You are the parent. Not him. A 3 year old will only do as much as you let him. I have a three year old son, and a 15 month old son. They will push the limits as far as you will let them. Discipline doesnt make you a bad parent. Discipline means "to teach". It's totally different from punishing. You have to remember you are not there to be a friend or an enabler, you are the parent. It makes your children better people, who know that there are rules and expectations in order to become a good person who knows how to behave in society. Spank his butt if you have to. Spanking doesn't make you a bad parent. It doesn't teach your children to hit someone when they are angry, bc you dont spank out of anger. Don't ever spank them if you are angry, wait until you are calm and then explain to them WHY they are getting the spanking. There's a difference in a parent who spanks their kid and one who beats them. The Bible says to raise your children according to their own bent..this means that some things work for some children,and others dont. If time outs work for you, then fine, do that. If they dont, then find what works for you and be consistent. Don't let him watch tv or have any treats. When he tells you no, get down on his level, hold him still and make him listen. It doesnt matter if he doesnt want to. When he does something positive, reward him for that and let him know that you are proud of him. Positive reinforcement. Most children abide by the theory that "negative attention is still attention".. I dont know what your schedule is like, but if you were able to take even 10 minutes out of your day to just spend time with him, with no interruptions, it might give him a little fill of attention so he isnt thinking he has to act out for you to notice him. Maybe have a special time to read a book, start a ritual that the two of you can share. ...There are rules and there are ways to behave. You will find yourself sounding like a broken record, you'll want to pull your hair out and scream, just BE CONSISTENT. Don't let something slide one day just because you don't want to deal with it. Eventually you WILL start seeing results. Hang in there! It's tough but you CAN get them on track!! :)

Answer 8

The number one thing is BEING CONSISTENT! If he doesnt do someting and you ask him to let him know that he will get a time out. If he hits again he gets a 3 min time out for hitting.. But make sure you get down to his level an let him know your serious and tell him why hes getting a time out. And make him sit in it for 3 min. He gets up or out put him back in till he sits for 3 min. Even give him a timer so he knows. Be firm and serious and let him know whos boss! When he hits or kicks let him know we are nice to one another or that he doesnt hit or kick mom and next time u will get a time out if you do it again, he does it again say i gave you your warnning now u go in a time out. Have a certain spot fo rtime outs. Let him know what the rules are! Remeber you are his parent not his Best friend. Yeah he will be mad at you but he will get over it. Good luck!

Answer 9

I have the same prob. with my son. What I do is when ever he hits or misbehaves I have a time out chair that he has to sit in and he cant make any noise or get up untill his time is done and after his time out I have a talk with him about what he did wrong and explain it to him. It will take a little while to finally see some results but it should work. the time out should be his age in mins. so for your son it would be 3 mins. Hope this helps, and please e-mail me and let me know.

Answer 10

Welcome to the typical life of a three year old. My daughter is the same way. You just have to be consistent with them. Keep disciplining and eventually it will all come together. One thing I learned with my daughter is when she hit her sister..I got between them explained to her that hitting wasn't nice..made her apologize, hugs and kisses, then we did some sort of game where they had to work together and used team work. Then when she is good for a day or night I praise her for it and let her pick a game to play.

Answer 11

I don't know if you've seen the Super Nanny show, but she is awesome. Try a "naughty chair". Make him sit in it for 3 minutes when he misbehaves. Be firm and consistent. Also, when you find him behaving nicely, praise him as much as you can.