How long does the process of grieving take? How do you know if you're done grieving?

Question

You probably don't care, but I was just wondering how long it'll take before I feel better. See, my grandmother died 9 months ago today. I've struggling with a huge decision, and today I was thinking about it, and I wished that I could call her and talk to her about it. She's the only person I could go to with problems like this, and I miss her so much. I thought I was fine and now I'm just a basket case.

I actually am in therapy. I've been in therapy since the second week after she was gone. It doesn't help.

Answer 1

***Hugs*** I am so sorry.
It takes a really long time. My daddy died in October 1973, and I still remember the exact day, all of it. My identical twin died on Sept 14, 1990, and I am a basket case on thaday many times.
Mama died in July 1997, and I cry on that day.

You are never really done grieving, I am afraid. It gets better, but the grief is like the waves coming onto shore. The length between the times that the waves of grief come in gets longer and longer, but there are always going to be days when you are a basket case.

I will be praying for you.

What I suggest is that you talk to your grandmama in your heart, just as if she were really there.

I CHOOSE to believe that our loved ones are always there in spirit, that they know what we are doing on earth, and that they "cheer us on."

I'll be praying for you.

Feel free to email me if you need to vent or talk.

Answer 2

People do not die, if you keep a part of them within your thoughts. However, you will always miss your grandmother, the problem is that you have not found another person to unload your ideas on, and until you d, then you will always be reminded of your loss.

The best you can do is to get to a point where you can think what advice they may have given you, and have friends who you trust for good advice. But its a long process, and it is not something you can quantify. The sad thing is, by the time you have go over grieving, you wont even remember that you were once grieving so much.

I find that if I tell my friend Debbie about my problems, she will have told everybody else within a day, and suddenly the whole world and his wife knows my problem, and it doesn't seem to be such a problem any more. Its not the best way to solve your life, but it works in a perverted manner.

Answer 3

I think grieving is different for everyone. I still miss my parents, though my Mom's been gone for 20 years and my Dad for 5 years. My Dad was much like your grandmother sounds - someone I could go to when I had a problem and he would give me good advice. There are times even now when I wish I could talk to him about things. Losing him left a huge void in my life because I spent almost the last entire year of his life spending weekends with him. Once he was gone, I had all these weekends empty and it was tough. Working helped, as did finding a new job and seeking out adventures on my own. HOnestly, I believed I would never be happy again, but I was wrong. It took time, but I have moved on. I still miss him terribly, though.

Answer 4

It is different for everyone. My mother died in April 2006 and I am just now coming to grips with it. I have lost many relatives, friends, pets in a very short time, one after the other, and sometimes I wonder if i will ever be able to deal with it all in a "finally it's over" way. My grandmother died in 1995 and I'm not completely over that either. Don't push yourself, or try to follow anybody else's demands that you "get a grip". Allow yourself to feel the sadness and cry when you need to. Just don't push it down because it will still be there. You will feel better...when you do...try writing in a journal. That has been my way of processing the pain. It is OK to seek out a grief counselor as well. I am considering that option.
I wish you well. And I DO care...it sucks to be so sad over something we have no control over.

Answer 5

I really don't think there is a "time limit" so to speak. I lost my brother over nine years ago and I still want to pick up the phone and talk to him. Not long after he passed away I did keep a notebook and I wrote letters to him and that did help me some. Everyone is so different in how they handle loosing someone and I honestly could not give you an answer as to how long it will be. I do wish I could give you an answer and say that tomorrow you will be better but I will not lie to you. Just remember that your grandmother loved you so very much and I know that she would not want you to be a "basket case." I usually remind myself of that when I think of my brother because I know he would not be happy with me. I wished I could of been more help :)

Answer 6

Each person grieves on a different time schedule there is no set amount of time for you to finish the grieving process, You simply want to make progress over time...

When my grandparents died I had many things I wanted to discuss with them and get their opinion on.. When one of those things comes up I write it down.. Then think "What would grandma/grandpa have to say about this." Having known them for 30 and 24 years respectively I can pretty well extrapolate what they would say.. For me the process of writing it down to get it straight in my own head then thinking about what they would say helps me a lot.

Maybe you should try writing down what you want to talk to her about (I suggest double spaced/ triple spaced if you write large ) then set it aside for a day.. Come back to it and think about it as if you were your grandmother.. Write what you think she would say in a different color in the space provided by double/triple spacing...

You will find that not only does it get your questions answered but it will help you see that although your grandmother is gone a small part of her lives on in you and you can draw on that part to feel her and access her wisdom which will help you move on..


As to thinking you were alright and now feeling like a basketcase.. That's quite normal, many people do what's called "Delayed Grieving" when the event actually happens most delayed grievers are what is known as "care givers".... They make sure everyone else is ok while putting their own grief aside..

"Care Givers" are most often women they are most often an older child in a family, they exhibit "care giver" traits in many aspects of their lives (they are the sibling, friend people call when they need a boost). Many are considered by siblings to be "The second mom".....

"Care gievers" will often find that they begin the grieving process when all others are finished making them feel somehow basketcases because the event was so long ago.. When in reality they are not basketcases they have simply delayed their own grieving until they were sure everyone else was ok..

Try the writing exercise and go through the process of grieving, you are not a basketcase you have simply delayed grieiving and now it's your turn... Go through the grieving process and move on just as you have helped others to do..

Also remember may "Care Givers" are also the ones who think they can do it on their own.. Don't be afraid to ask for help for yourself.. Whether it be from a friend, family member or professional counselor it's ok to ask for help..

Answer 7

There's no set time for the grieving process. It's different for every person who grieves, and you may grieve longer for your grandmother than when someone else you know and care for passes.

If you feel like you're having trouble coping, you might want to talk to a professional who might be able to help you through the grieving process.

Answer 8

Batgirl, I have lost all my family accept for my brother who shall remain distant less he try to kill me again. Long story short, I wake up everyday thinking how much I miss everyone. I lost my favorite Grandmother in 1978 and I still think of her. I think you are a Christian so I would hope that you believe that she has gone to heaven, just as I hope/know that my Grandmother in is the Summerlands.

Why don't you keep a journal of things that you feel that she could answer and see if she doesn't surprize you by helping to to think out what you need to think about. Each of our family members have certain patterns to how they think and will answer. So why not channel that part of your Grandmother and use her wisedom to help you answer your question.

Good luck and if you need a shoulder, just email me. I can't change things, but maybe I can help you find the direction of where to look for answers.

Answer 9

My parents died 17 years ago and I still have those moments were I feel great sadness and miss them so very much. I don't think the grieving ever really stops, You will never forget Her so you will always feel that loss, but over time those moments become fewer and far between.
I wish you well and hope you understand what I mean.

Answer 10

I honestly don't know. Maybe you'll have basket case moments forever over it. My best friend died in January, so its been a little over 7 months, and I still have really, really, REALLY bad days fairly often. I miss her so much. So I can only tell you that you will probably never be completely without grief over it and the only thing you can do is just try not to dwell.

Hugs