My father has never spent quality time with me throughout the past 20 years of my life. He is a workaholic. He never taught me any technical skills, sports or whatever. Even when he is at home he never communicates, he justs sits behind a newspaper or watches TV. He never encourages me, takes pride in my academic achievements, and he doesn't care about me emotionally. He is as good as growing up w/o a father. He's also a very strict disciplinarian, always caning me whenever I offended him even a little or whenever I try to stand up to him. I'm afraid of him and I don't love him at all. He also annoys me by always trying to say I'm in the wrong and not a good son, etc even when things are ok. I really hated him for this. He always uses physical force on me and even threatened to send me to a boys' home or cut off my fingers when I hit my brother.
He is worse than a terrorist. I think he has some issues at work and he tries to displace it on me as some object.
2007-09-01 14:53:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
He has never, ever praised me for anything good I've ever done. I really feel like crying and I'm so frustrated and angry with his lack of concern. He never asked me how my day was. Every time I misbehave, mum will call him and I will wait in fear for his return from work.
It seems he has punished me so many times for my mistakes I have lost love for him.
He also sometimes stalks me at school a few times. I'm really scared. He did this when I misbehaved a few times.
I felt so **** and f.u.c.k.e.d up I think my mind is so screwed. I'm already 20 and am a Christian but I find it so hard to forget the past.
How can I possibly get masculine competence? Who can possibly teach me technical skills and sports?
I really need more male friends and elderly father-figures to help me. The emotional damage is quite bad.
2007-09-01 14:57:33 · update #1
My heart breaks for you as I read all that you wrote. There has been so much mental and physical abuse that if you don't do something now, when you leave home, it could follow you into your adulthood and affect all potential relationships, including wife and children.
The best thing that you can do for yourself and for him is to forgive. I know that that sounds to simple after years and years of compiled abuse. However, if you sincerely forgive him and just let him go, you will be letting go of all the hurt, pain, and emotional damage he has subjected you to. Forgiveness is something that you may not be able to conjure up on your own at this time. Work toward it. You don't have to tell him you forgive him right now. He would most likely mock you. But every day, make a conscious effort to let it go. Forgiving his wrong acts takes all the power he has over you away.
On the other hand, if you do not forgive him, the bitterness that you have against him will destroy you. I am serious. You have been dealt a lousy hand of cards but only you can change your destiny. You can choose to forgive him, realize that he is the way he is because he had a messed up childhood and never chose to move past it. But you can choose to move forward and not repeat his mistakes.
You mentioned that you are a Christian. There is undeniable power in prayer. Pray for strength to be the man God has called you to be. Ask Him to help you forgive your dad. When you are at your most desperate, call out to God. He is nothing like your dad. He is everything that you desire in a Father and only He can heal your broken heart.
Every day is a brand new day. Every day you get a chance to start a fresh, new, beginning. You can do it!! Start by forgiving your dad and than make the decision to never, ever be like him.
2007-09-09 13:47:30 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You will need to make peace with the fact you have an emotionally distant father. He worked and provided the basics, a roof over your head and clothing on your back and disciplined you when you needed it. But whether you care to admit it or not, he cared about you or he would not have done any of that. Some people have different ways to show their love. You are angry at him and wanted someone to hold you and you did not get that type of man for a father. I think you have a lot of anger and need to work with a licensed therapist. Realize you can't change the past or the man but you can change how you feel about yourself and learn to cope. Learn from this so when you have kids, you won't be the same way.
There are many positive ways you can take this. Please get professional help.
2007-09-07 02:31:49 · answer #2 · answered by brilliantyetconfused 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sad for both of you , but at 20 you are now old enough to be on your own and not repeat the abusive relationship with the family you will eventually have. Move out and find a job you like. Do the very best job at it that you can. Being a successful person financially, may be the only justification you ever get. Some people are born into the world never being able to express love. There isn't anything you can do to change that but accept it and vow to not repeat that damage to your own children. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Volunteer at a boys club or school to help with the athletics after school. If you read up on it , you should be able to pick up on the idea of the games. Many towns offer adult sports leagues for a nominal fee where you could meet others your age and become the person you wanted him to be. It is time to stop beating yourself up for the lack of love in your father. You can't change it and it is time to stop letting it poison your life.
2007-09-09 10:36:14 · answer #3 · answered by Mama Mia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Aw, I feel so bad for you. I know how you feel somewhat, because my dad is similar to yours, but my dad's not as bad. Even though you're 20 now, emotional damage can stay with you for a long time. I'm 20 too and I'm still feeling the effects of having an emotionally distant dad. If your dad is that bad, I think he would seriously need some counseling or something, but I'm thinking that he wouldn't even consider that most likely. (I know my dad wouldn't). Sadly, I don't think your dad will ever change his ways if he's been like this your whole life. And if he's made you feel this horrible, you just need to put him behind you and in the past. Hopefully you're able to live away from home now so you don't have to deal with him as much. Try and find new friends to help you, especially male friends so you have a role model of sorts. You said you need more male friends right now, but you can pretty much find friends anywhere if you try hard enough. =) The emotional damage can slowly but surely be healed over time if you find some new people in your life who can show you what your dad never taught you. I hope you find a lot of new people who can help you heal the damage from the past 20 years. GOOD LUCK! =)
2007-09-01 15:26:12 · answer #4 · answered by oh geez 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Man, you've got yourself a serious dilemma. Your dad defintely has anger issues, big time! So, I don't blame you for living in fear. He's been distant for many years and ruling with an iron fist.
I didn't have a full time dad growing up. My father didn't live with us, but I was able to join sports teams. You can join sports teams at your local recreation center. Or, you can sign up for slow pitch, ball hockey, flag football or whatever. You don't have to be a star and you can develop the basic skills.
Furthermore, there are apprenticeship programs that can teach you technical skills. Don't despair, you've got to be strong and take care of yourself, okay? When you figure out what you want in life you can focus on that and forget the 'BS' you dad has put you through.
Hang in there brother, you'll be alright.
From the heart,
Seeker 42
2007-09-08 10:04:19 · answer #5 · answered by Seeker42 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand you feelings. My husband had a very strict authoritarian father who at times was a bit abusive. There wasn't much love. My husband was never hugged or shown affection. It was focus on his behavior. He said it was like a military bootcamp. Do not hide your feelings. Talk about them with a professional. The anger and pain you feel will continue to haunt you way into adulthood. This can affect your relationships with others in the future. It is best that you seek help now while you are young. Most importantly love yourself. Try you hardest to do good and live a decent life. Finding a nice church wouldn't be a bad idea. You need support. Find a group for those who suffered abuse. Good luck to you and God bless you. Remember you are loved. God loves you!!!
2007-09-09 10:54:00 · answer #6 · answered by um-kay 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For the things he has done to you in the past, you won't get any compensation. I don't see him as the type to come and apologize for all wrong doing. He may not even see his actions as wrong nor listen to you if you tried to convey your feelings about things. I think your mom has some culpability in this situation, too because she should have seen what was going on.
I hope if he still treats you with disrespect, that you have distanced yourself from him and do not allow him to harm you emotionally anymore.
As for what you can do now, I think you should try to find a good male friend who you can trust and confide in and also seek some counseling from an impartial person to deal with your feelings of the past.
2007-09-09 07:43:11 · answer #7 · answered by A 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your father has some serious issues and you would be best to get some counseling. If you are going to school, go to your counselor and see what help they can be. Talk to a coach in a sport you might be interested in and see if he could mentor you so you can learn the basics, or join a gym. You will have to take control of your life and move forward. You cannot control who you were born to but you can control the direction your life takes. Do you have any uncles or cousins you can talk to? Good luck.
2007-09-09 05:26:14 · answer #8 · answered by Sophiesmama 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I truly sympathize with you and from my own past I know how you feel. I grew up with an alcoholic father and he was abusive. I became a Christian a little over a year ago and it has changed my life. Through the help of my church and counseling, I learned to let go of my anger at him, realizing it had been a test of Satan. What my father had done was horrible, but knowing that God brought me through it made me realize that I can be happy. Don't let your father's actions determine who you are, or you will always be miserable. You are a son of God and God alone. He will never give you anything you cannot handle. If you are lacking that male closeness, pray to God and ask for the answer. Also, talk to your Pastor. I know that I spent many years wasted, trying to get at least one ounce of praise from my father. And in doing so, I never let myself feel good about my accomplishments. You alone are responsible for your happiness. Trust in God and He will provide. Good luck to you and may God Bless you. I will pray for you and also for your father that he may also find a relationship with God and realize the error of his ways.
2007-09-08 15:24:25 · answer #9 · answered by Jodee C. 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry that you have to deal with such a parent in your life.
I would bet my life that when you become a father you will be a good one.
The one good thing that he has taught you is how NOT to parent a child.
Most important....don't take any guilt or shame on yourself for your father's bad behavior. You seem like a really smart guy.
2007-09-09 06:53:05 · answer #10 · answered by conim2002 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋