On bereavement?

Question

Losing someone is terrifying as some of you may know.
but i was just wondering what symptoms or effects/affects does it have on a person, and how does it vary?
what was it like for you?
do you know how it has effected someone else?
do you know if you had any physical problems or phantom illnesses afterwards, or did someone you know suffer in that way?
did you shut it out? or cried all the time? were you agressive to people? did you ever feel like you were going crazy, or were constantly paraniod? and what about?
a lot of questions i know - but im hoping with a little bit of understanding and a second opinion i can understand myself.

I'll apreciate any opinions, comments, sources, or first hand experience in this subject - they will all be taken notice of.
thankyou.
take care peops

particularly inconjuntion with cancer victims.

Answer 1

I lost my father when I was fifteen and my mother when I was seventeen. Unfortunately, I didn't have a great support system in place from family, but my friends were great and helped me hold things together, somewhat. One problem is that I am a male and we were culturally taught to just tough it out and at the time it happened, '65 and '67, resourses for help with mental health issues were limited. So, I wasn't encouraged to grieve, and see that process through. Consequently, it left me feeling alone, desperate, angry, hopeless, sad and depressed. The degree of pain I was in was incomprehensible, and I turned to alcohol and drugs for relief. In short, I was a mess and stayed that way for years to come. The short and long term effects alcohol and drug abuse just complicated the whole journey. It just pushed things farther down.

I acted out in a multitude of ways. Promiscuity, criminal behavior, and an awful temper, became part of my disposition. I had trouble forming close relationships, and the ones I managed to form I was overly dependant on
I lived with a constant sense of "impending doom," always fearing that an early death was awaiting me. These thoughts were for the best part, intrusive and unwanted, and I couldn't make them go away, and had a difficult time talking about them. I had panic attacks, a baseline mistrust of the world and people, was severly depressed, and had unstable moods and trouble with mood regulation. I didn't suffer with any physical manifestations or phantom illnesses. My understanding now is that women are more prone to those symptoms.

When I began to deal with this stuff, some 25 or 30 years later, it was all the more difficult, because at the age that the losses occurred I was still developing, so a lot of the symptoms became hardwired into my emotional structure. The first step to my restoration began with simply getting in touch with my own sadness and anger. I cried a bathtub full of tears. The rest took a long time, because I didn't deal with it for a long time. I needed a lot of therapy.

I think that at what age you experience the loss, will a lot of times determine how you react to it. I think the manner in which the people you loved have died can be a factor as well. There's probably variations in everyone's experience.

One thing I can say generally is that the loss of a loved one, is terribly painful, and emotionally complex for anyone. With or without drug abuse anyone can suffer the same symptoms I did, even with a good support system. Grief is a strange animal and operates on its own timetable so its a unique experience for everyone as well. But if I had it to do over again..boy...would I change a few things.

I would not hold it in, keep it in and let it fester. If support wasn't close, say from family or friends, I would have immediately sought qualified compassionate, professional help, group help..anything, I was overburdened with a flase sense of shame and weakness related to the deaths, and this fortified my resistence to seeking help. Just talking helps. Sometimes we feel no one can really understand, and that's natural, but it's not true. Grieving is an incredibly painful process and because of that I think we're prone to avoid it and try to skip over it, but that doesn't work. I think the more one is able to talk about the loss, and what it means to them, and their feelings tied to it, there is less of a chance all those secondary symptoms will appear.

We live in a society that fears death and loss. The message we get a lot of times is "get over it." Don't listen to people who don't or can't understand your pain, and take as long as you need to process it. You'll feel better and slowly see light at the end of the tunnel. If you're a book person, there's a million of them written about this subject and that can help, but not as much as the right person or people. We need flesh during a time like this.

Good luck with everything.

Answer 2

First off, understand there is no rule book for grief. It affects different people in different ways. If you go to your local library and try the self-help books, or search the web for answers, don't be surprised if you come away feeling frustrated. Same goes for bereavement couselling programmes such as Cruse, or perhaps even religious counsellors.

When you lose someone close, no-one can tell you how you should think and act - though hundreds will try. In the immediate aftermath, your head will be a whirlwind of thoughts, and your emotional pain may even become physical.

Time is the only healer. While you wait, don't be surprised if you start thinking or acting crazy. It's entirely normal.

Medical science has no explanation for why we grieve. Just about every other emotion has a biological necessity to it; so far, no-one's stumped up a good reason for why mankind goes through the pain of bereavement. And we're not alone - many of the higher mammals display signs of immense distress when parted from a mate or a "friend" (for want of a better word).

Many people you consider to be friends will shock you by their inability to deal with your pain - either immediately or over time. Try not to be angry with them - it's not their fault. Other people of your acquaintance will similarly surprise you by their ability and willingness to be there for you when you least expect it.

There are no absolute answers to the question of "WHY?". That doesn't mean you shouldn't go looking for them (and you won't have a choice in any case), for in the search you'll find answers to questions you never knew you had.

There are two things I will say to you:-

Firstly, in my view grief is the price we pay for having loved someone (and it's a small price); and secondly, remember - it is better to have loved and to have lost, than never to have loved at all.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Firstly, let me say I am so sorry for your loss. After the birth of my stillborn son Lucas, I just wanted the world to go away. I felt like wherever I went everyone was looking at me and that somehow even strangers knew that I had suffered a bereavment. I wanted them to know. I wanted the whole world to know what a terrible loss I had suffered. It didn't occur to me that my husband was also suffering and that my other son had lost his baby brother. Every conversation turned to Lucas. I went through phases of anger at everyone, hatred of other people's happiness, disillusionment with life, not caring about anyone or anything other than my own grief. I hated everyone and everything, I cried, I shouted, I even felt numb on occasions. I developed headaches so severe I thought I had a brain tumour, I couldn't sleep. I comfort ate constantly. I even thought about suicide. I thought I would never feel "NORMAL" again and on some level I didn't want to because as long as I felt grief at least I was feeling something. The pain and the grieving somehow kept me still "connected" to my dead son. It is only now, 4 years and 3 babies later that I am starting to feel more like the old me although I accept that I can never be that same person again. On the positive side, I am now a much stronger person emotionally and my relationship with my husband and my 3 younger sons is amazing, but somehow I lost the bond I had with my eldest son who was 3 when Lucas was born and I can't seem to get that back. My advice to you is to grieve in whatever way you need to and try not to suppress your feelings as that only delays the grieving process. There is no right or wrong way, only your way. I wish you all the luck in the world in this tough journey you have ahead of you.

Answer 4

i know how your feeling. and all your questions are indeed showwing the pain you feel.

i lost my nan and dad (about 18 months ago), to cancer.

you feel awful when it happens to you. from what i can recall of my dad's passing (the most recent of the two) im still recovering.

i was a month into uni a knew nothing of his problems. many a night i was awake till dawn. you feel your brain in collasing from inside - at its awful because you know other people can see the pain and see the way ir changes the choices you make.

..but the mind is amazing thing but you have to let it heal itself. i saw its like a carpet burn (the loneliness of losing someone)in that it hurts (mostly) when something touches it - and boy dont carpet burns hurt!! but coming up to 2 year now i feel im generally feeling better but you have to let your mind sort it (the chemicals in your brain have to sort themselves out)

i dont know if you are trying to gauge other people opinon or a cry from a lonely place..but be assured what you feel is a mess in your brain is just the chemicals sorting themselves out - since you had an awful shock. if you start to rely on stimulants just as alcohol or other drugs (including excess smoking or caffine) make a mental note. however im a strong believer in the fact that anti depressants dont work because most people will lose someone in their life.

DIG DEEP take a chance, a smile maybe just the reward!

all the best


ps i felt i couldnt talk about my da's passing so i ending up drawing (its technique child are givern to express there emotions) i told no one i did this. some times a little scribble when my lecture when a bit a dull, reflected how i felt.

i think if you cant express it with words. learn an instrument for days you feel sad and something else for a happy day. grief is very powerful and most people waste it with drugs to numb the pain ( afeeling you have every right to express)
now i see emotion as a powerful thing, my friends think im a happy person but im not always.

keep a diary, as a note how this event has changed you. it will help you acknowledge the bad but mostly the times a spark light up your world.

there's a song in the uk at the moment i like . a band called cherry ghost with people help the people.

i like the like the line 'if your (homesick)give me your hand and i'll hold it' ( it's supposed to represnt the feeling what evers making you lonely (death of someone) there is someone to hold you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnKhW_RecTA

all the best need anymore message me

Answer 5

I welcome death as an escape from a world of cold and hurt. I would much rather a loved one pass on than to suffer in a broken body. But even though I feel this way, I still cry and mourn the loss of a companion and the possibility of new memories gone. It's a hard thing to deal with. And we all deal differently, some with their own illness, some with anger and aggression, some with deafening silence. Just know that you're not crazy, that things will balance themselves out eventually, and that somewhere a stranger is praying for you.

Answer 6

For me, I had days of not eating, only drinking coffee. I lost a lot of weight, I just couldn't eat. And I cried every time I found myself alone, in the car, at home, etc. I don't remember what I was thinking then, everything was a blank. I really didn't care to talk to anyone but was hurting inside a lot. That's when I decided to seek out some psychological treatment, but only after walking around like a zombie for several weeks. I came to a point where I had to ask for help to ease the pain.
It really did help me to get on some antidepressants and talk to a therapist. I loved the psychiatrist that I have, but I actually had to see more than one therapist because I needed someone who could teach me about what was happening to me instead of just listening and staring at me.
best wishes to you, hang in there.

Answer 7

I lost my mum when i was 3, since i was very young i was confused as i didn't understand death. I remember crying alot because i wanted her back. For me time has been a great healer, although i still miss her and sometimes i still cry just thinking about her and what i lost. Sometimes it does help to talk to someone about it and sit and remember good times. As for physical problems there has been alot of crying, and during my early teens i was paranoid of losing everyone else i loved. Sometimes i have felt like im losing my mind and that nobody understood but have found that people can be really helpful and understanding if you just give them a chance by opening up to them.

Answer 8

let me start by 1st saying I'm very sorry for your loss. i lost my mother 3years ago she was my best Friend and there is no words to describe the feeling of that loss and there is nothing that will ever take the place in my heart that belonged to my ma.i do know i have 3 siblings and every 1 deals with grief in different ways 1of my siblings took a slight breakdown, the other one turned to alcohol and the 3rd. one showed no emotions as if it was just another day had passed. i personal went threw it all blaming myself for my mother suffering, anger with my self for telling her it was OK to leave us,crying myself to sleep late late at nite so no 1 would know what i was feeling. i never got paranoid. i did shut every one out including my spouse. and i never felt more alone in my entire life. they always say time heals all wounds well i say some wounds never heal you just survive. i no i will miss my mother till the day i die the only comfort i do have is knowing that my mother isn't suffering anymore for she had a very long painful death and i can truly say it was harder to watch her die little by little each day ,then it was when god finally called her home . i do hope you find the peace your seeking so you may come to terms with your loss. good luck & god bless

Answer 9

Not a cancer victim -but my friend died in front of my eyes. She was 60, had just retired to Spain with her husband, and because I already lived here with mine we helped them find a place. 3 weeks after moving in, she invited us over for her first bbq, and when she raised her glass to thank us for helping, she just fell over and died. The shock among the 3 of us was completely overwhelming, what should have been a quiet meal, turned into hell..ambulances, police, undertakers arriving............and we had to phone her kids in Scotland to let them know. Her furniture arrived in a lorry the next day. You asked about how to cope.............
For months I couldn't stop crying..and my husband was the same.....I was so frightened it may happen to me or him, or one of my children/grandchildren......I was TOO protective of all my famiy.....it made me really angry that this could happen to a decent hardworking woman, who only got a few weeks of retirement before she was literally struck down, while evil b******s who hurt people are still roaming the streets...not rational I know but I really HATED some people just for being alive. But I did learn to appreciate my life more -and the main thing I learned.....I now TELL my friends and family that I love them. It's really far too late when they're gone. I am sorry for your loss - the pain will ease in time, but you will never forget it.

Answer 10

well my wife died whilst giving birth to my son aged 28.
we had 2 other sons so i had alot on my mind with them that helped me.
i had to be strong for them.
but i did do loads of house work all the time.
used to cry every day about dinner time for about 6 months because i was there doing cooking and she should of been there.
if you know what i mean.
i just kept really busy.
i had no one to turn to.
i did think i was going crazy.
felt it was my fault.
felt like everyone was watching me to see if i would fail with the boys.
you know like them being taken in to care cause i could,nt cope.
took about a year and a half before i started to feel a bit human again.
but i think i just bottled it up most the time.
did,nt show anybody that it hurt me just kept on smiling.
but behind that smile i was a mess.
i did,nt have any phatom illnesses.
seemed like every conversation turned to my wife.
3 yrs on now and well now i think its happerning
i,m starting to drink heaverly.
can,t sleep.
daydreaming.
it totaly blew my mind.
i miss her like mad.
please feel free to e mail me if you have to talk to some one.
strangers are always the best people to talk to i found.
cheers wozzy