Should my boyfriend give his opinions concerning my kids?

Question

Many times I can see that the decisions I make concerning my kids are something that he does not understand and it seems to be eating at him. Even though he's kind to me, He wants to discuss things with me and I'm willing to do that, but because of his strict upbringing, I'm afraid that he will never be able to not give his opinions about this. He thinks I give in too much and not say "no" enough. He is probably right but if I choose to do this sometimes, that he shouldn't be as concerned as he is. I know he loves me and just wants me to have it as easy as I can.It still makes me always have to be concerned about his thoughts on all this. Although sometimes he doesn't say anything, I know what he is thinking and it hurts me. Somehow, it makes me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job as a mother . I think I do fine and he has never told me that I'm not, but he has a hard time hiding it. I don't want him to try to influence me when it comes to me and the kids and I've told him .

Answer 1

you have to keep telling him that as much as you love him that him having an influence on how you deal with your kids is a problem.it is one thing to go to him for advice with a problem but if he puts in his own thoughts without being asked its a problem.you should let him know if it is affecting your relationship with him and if he truly loves you then he will understand

Answer 2

You don't say if he has any children of his own. so I assume he doesn't.
It is hard for people without kids to know our decisions are made out of love and concern, not just the way it is supposed to be done. I'm sure most of his concerns come from a good place. he wants what is best for all of you. He may be afraid you are spoiling them , which could affect what kind of people they will become.
maybe you can sit down and talk about doing things Little different and you can both compromise in whats going on.
He may feel it's you and the kids against him. This is not a good way to feel. It's like being on the outside looking in.
If you have been with for awhile , you should be working as a family unit. All sitting down and going over what is expected and what will not be tolerated. Start a family counsel, let everyone voice their wants and needs and their issues and the whole family even the kids have a voice in the decisions, it's good for the kids to learn to deal with issues and learn to compromise through negotiation , not acting out.
I also went through this with someone I loved very much, we didn't make it both our kids tore are relationship apart.
When I fell in love again , we used this method, and it worked, good luck, Love and peace.

Answer 3

Tough one and a good question. I married a man who felt I was a bit of a push-over and maybe I am, but I am comfortable with how I am raising my son. It caused us some serious problems in our marriage. If I did it all over again, I would've found a man who had the same style of parenting. I think if your boyfriend has an opinion, he can share it, but not if it involves putting you down or undermining your confidence. I think he could say what he thought would be more effective and why and then you can listen and decide what you are comfortable with or whether you agree or disagree with his point. There's nothing wrong with a conversation, but respect for you and your children is a big one that you can't over come. Be careful not to get pregnant while you and he see if you can come to terms. He will be left feeling angry and resentful and will not be kind to the kids if parenting issues come between you. It will eat away at your relationship and mean less happiness and security for the kids. So....stick with seeing if you and he can come to a middle ground and stand by your principles. Stand by your children. Be polite, be empathetic, but do not tolerate innuendos, criticism, or undermining of your parenting or your self. You are smart to look at this issue seriously. I just saw what I wanted to see and ignored the rest until we were at war. I would do it differently if I did it over again.

Answer 4

This is always a problem when one of the partners has children from a previous relationship. My husband met me when my children were 5 and 6 years old. There were times when I know he wanted to say something about the way I was handling something and he had to stop himself for fear that he would offend me. I am sure that your boyfriend feels the same way. He has been brought up in a stricter environment and we usually do things the way things were done in our homes. Sometimes, I have to admit, I was a bit too permissive and I needed to have his input. We worked on it together after we decide to really talk about how we wanted things to be if we were to become a family. I had a tendancy to be very defensive when it came to my children. We do need to stick together when it comes to rules and to disciplining our children. Saying "no" is not a punishment; it is a learning tool and boundaries are important. We need to be the parents and not the child's best friend. Giving in when you should be enforcing rules is not the best thing when dealing with a child. Children learn how to control the household very quickly and can throw temper tantrums in order to get their own way. Being very clear on what you will and will not allow is very important. Studies will tell you that children want to have their parents set up rules and follow through. It makes them feel more secure and they have the knowledge that you are looking out for their best interests even when they aren't always happy to be denied the things that they want to have. Do the very best job that you can do to teach your children values, respect for one another and for you and your partner and let them know that denying them from time to time is a very important part of learning, that you love them and will continue to help them know the differences between right and wrong by setting the rules for your own household. If your boyfriend is going to be in your life, you must include him in your decision making because he will be the father figure for your children. If his values are not the same as yours, then you need to reconsider this partnership.

Answer 5

Well honestly it all depends on how serious of a relationship you are in. If he is just a bf then no he shouldn't really have a say in it and shouldn't try to influence you when it comes to your kids. But if you are in a serious relationship with him and he is going to be the father figure in your house then yes he defiantly should have a say in how things are done and punishments your kids should get or when to say no. You two will have to agree on things that involve your kids and your kids will also have to respect him as a parent figure, or things just wont work.

Answer 6

You do not say the ages of your children nor how long a relationship with the boyfriend or how serious.....
Each of us have different parenting styles, if yours has been working for you and your children and you are satisfied with their behaviours , then make it clear -in a nice way- this is the way I choose to raise my children but I appreciate you sharing your thoughts....
If you feel some of his suggestions might be of help, try them out.. we can always learn more....BUT do not let him make you feel inadequate and that you are not being a good mother..we start with the tools that we have, do the best we can with them and LEARN more as we go along...what works and what does not.
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If his upbringing has been ultra strict, it is entirely possible he will never be comfortable with a more laid back relaxed parenting style and you are just setting yourself and your children for constant conflict and all of you deserve more than that !
-.but never forget YOU are their mother.- first-last and -always !

Answer 7

You're putting him, you AND your kids in a No-Win Situation here. You know he might be right, but you don't want to hear it. You know he's just trying to help you see all the angles, but you don't want to see them.

If you don't want him to influence you, then WHY are you putting him and yourself in this situation?

Sure, he may have been brought up strictly, but that doesn't mean all his ideas are too harsh, concerning your kids...by the way, how do your kids relate/react to him?

You might need to get off your MomPedestal and take a good, honest look at how you're bringing up your kids.

Answer 8

It sounds like this guy really loves you and cares about your kids. You are so lucky! I guess it all depends on just how involved your relationship is. Are you living together? Do you plan on getting married? If things have reached that level, he should have some input as far as your kids go. If not, then should respect your decisions.

Answer 9

you have brought your kids up to this point and in general you are happy with them. That is the important thing. Ask for his advice but tell him that you do have your own ideas and that you do not believe in a lot of strictness if he cannot adjust his behaviour time to have a serious look at the relationship for yourself and for the kids.

Answer 10

When children are involved in a relationship, both parties need to agree. If not, there will be conflict and eventually someone will be psychologically (if not physically) injured. You need to re-examine your priorities and determine if you can live with a man who disagrees with you about your children. It's impossible to separate a partner from the children and I wonder if you are letting him destroy your own sense of self-esteem. This won't change; I guarantee you, it will only get worse. Please, do some serious thinking about this situation.