I found out my husband lied to me about being with another girl...?

Question

one day my husband had told me that he was going to stay to work... i believed him.... next thing i know next day i checked his pants there was a receipt of this HOTEL.... i asked him and he confessed that he went with a girl... and that he only kissed her... i did not believe that... so i went over to the hotel and lucky me the room was not yet cleaned from the time he left... they showed me the room... it seemed like he tooked a shower with that girl.. and for my surprised he had sex with her.. i found a condom wrapper ont he trash bin... this really hurts.... he lied saying he didnt do anything... if i wouldnt have gone to the hotel and i would have never known...we got a son of 2 and i dont know what to do... i love him so much but i cannot be thinking that he will be with otehr girls. he is a bartender and they would be nothing i can do.. help me. i need advise of what to do.. he cheated on me once i bet he'[s done it before...

Answer 1

A leopard rarely changes it's spots. There is a strong possibility that he will do it again.

There are generally 2 reasons why a person will cheat on their partner. 1) They have a bad trait where they cannot be loyal to just one person (If this is the case, you can bet that he will do it again and again and again) 2) There are things either lacking or killing their relationship.

For the first type of partner, they are prone to giving in to temptation. "The grass is always greener on the other side". They generally do not want to hurt their current partner but they either cannot control their urges when opportunity presents itself or choose not to control their urges. If your husband falls into this category, you have some painful decisions to make. Do you want to live with this or file for divorce and eventually find a man who will love you for who you are and not cheat on you.

The second type of partner will either cheat because there are things lacking in their home relationship or because they have grown apart from their partner due to a variety of issues.
The questions I am about to ask are for you to answer to yourself only.
1) How is your love life with him?
2) Can you do anything to improve it?
3) How often do you make love with him?
4) Does it satisfy his needs or urges?

With these first four questions, if any of these issues are a cause of his infidelity then they can be addressed and corrected through open honest communication and, possibly, compromise. In some cases, it may take a good marriage counselor how to open the lines of communication and work out your problems.

5) Does your marriage still have the romantic spark it once had?
6) If not, do you want that spark back?
7) Would you both be willing to work on putting that romantic spark back into the relationship?

For questions 5 - 7, this must be a mutual desire for both of you. If one, or both , of you have already given up on romance and are not willing to work on it, it is very conceivable that this marriage is dead.

If you want to put the spark back into your marriage or get new ideas on keeping the spark there, I would recommend that you visit AMAZON.COM and look for the book 101 NIGHTS OF GRRREAT ROMANCE: HOW TO MAKE LOVE WITH YOUR CLOTHS ON by Laura Corn. It is a fun and awesome book.

8) Are there any other major issues affecting your marriage?
9) Do you both have a good line of communication with each other?

If you do not know how to communicate with each other openly and honestly while respecting each other and being careful not to offend or upset each other, it is vitally important that you learn this skill or the problems will never go away and he will continue his unfaithful ways. If you do have open communication, you need to sit down with him and discuss the problem to find out his motivations. You need to know if you believe that he will no longer cheat on you or if you think that he is likely to cheat again and then be prepared to act in the manor which is best for you and your life.

And finally, you need to realize that even if this marriage fails, it does not make you a loser or a lesser woman. It just means that you made a bad choice of men to be your husband and you will recover if the marriage fails. Consider this: How old are you? How many years have you known your husband? How many years were you alive before he came into your life? If you lived your live before he showed up, is there any reason to believe that you cannot leave your live after he is gone?

I hope that everything works out well for both of you and I hope that open, honest communication and, possibly, marriage counseling will save your marriage. If not, I still wish you all the best.

Feel free to contact me if you would like any further advice.



I am editing this answer for more information.

Answer 2

Sarah, he has done it before and he will do it again. Think about your baby boy, he does not need to go through things like that when he is older. You should leave him now. I know its hard, but I promise you will get over him. I am telling you this woman to woman. Men don't value what they have until they lose it. If you don't want to leave him forever then leave him for a while (make him think its over for good) when he has realized what he has lost take him back ONLY if he accepts "your conditions". but a word of advice HE HAS TO DUMP THAT JOB. he has a little boy he should get something that pays more. Plus all the skanky girls are always after the bartender. Good Luck and Best wishes to you and your Baby Boy. I really do hope everything turns out okay. (always think of whats best for your son, he is your main priority)

Answer 3

Thats is really a hard situation in the first place you have children you need to protect,if you really love him and if you could forgive him on what he did then go on.Give him another chance,but give a limitations,dont give him your trust like before,be observant,but believe him in saome matter cos he might think that you did that only for the sake of your family..But if you can forgive him on what he did then,separation is the best thing you can do don't ever give the reason that you have to keep the marriage for the sake of your children cos the trust is not there you why you will stay..

Answer 4

I am sorry about your situation. I have been through this before and successfully survived it. I am sorry to say the unfortunately this is probably not his first time.
You need to decide your true feeling and ask yourself do you think that you can let him go to work and not think about what he is doing there or what he may be doing afterward. In short can you trust him again (listen to you intuition).
If this answer is no then in my opinion you should separate temporarily and see how things go. Dont let him burden you with sorries. Allow yourself some time to think. If things dont look better after some time then maybe it would be best for you to move on.
I did not have children when this happened to me. I do know and I know that children can complicate your feelings. I do think that it is important to do what makes you happy. If you are not happy trust me...your children wont be either....they may not show it at first but it will come out.


Good luck to you

Answer 5

I am really sorry but this is bad. You must have recieved shock of your life when you realised this. Yeah its over bet you and you should move on. Leave him. By leaving him you are stopping him from hurting you further. If you stay you will get more hurt. Leave him , move on, forget and forgive. Only then you will be relieved from your pain.
I am sure a nice women like you will find a decent person to spend life with.
All the best May God give you the courage.

Answer 6

Well I know that you're going to do what you want to do regardless of what I say. But if you want my honest opinion, leave him. Now, I know it's hard to do because of the fact that y'all are married. But, he broke his promise to you. So how serious is he really if he's giving in to temptation when the road gets a little rough. You're never going to be able to fully trust him again. and without trust what do you have? Of course he's gonna do all that nice stuff for you, he messed up so he feels bad. Once a cheater always a cheater. And you have to do what's best for you, and your children. And although letting him back in is gonna make things better for now, in the long run. It's going to be a disaster.

Answer 7

all i can say is alchol and male hormones are not a good combination i never met a bartender that was a saint, sorry that happened to you and as much as it might hurt you to hear it yeah hes probably done it on the regular, its up to you what you really do, and its up to him if he wants to save your relationship i say he needs to find a different occupation if not then maybe try some thing more of a family restaurant like and applebees or something where hes constantly around alot of people that way you have better witnesses than just drunks pluss its more of a place where couples and families go, but good luck to ya

Answer 8

Human is biologically polygame.
Most of people are cheated on and they dont know so they dont care.

Myself couldnt accept my wife cheating on me and I would freak out and break things and do lots of irrational things.

Knowing that, she'd be so afraid to cheat on me because of the consequences that she wont do it.

Scare the sh it out of your husband. Give him a lesson he will remember.

If you just "forgive him" right now, he will do it again because he wont be afraid of the consequences, even if you think that you will leave him if it'd happen twice.

Make him regret his move even if this dont mean destroying everything. Think about the kid too.

Edit : Most people answer to "leave him" because they are unexperienced and have no idea how it feel and how it is to be cheated on. It seem like the most logical and better thing to do.

But you know like me that its not so easy. Nothing is totally Black or White.

If you KNOW he love you, he did it only because its in male genes to look for other girls. He dont have any feeling for that whore he fuc ked. She s just an exutory.

If you are not sure if he love you, thats another story.

Answer 9

Go with your gut feeling. You know he has cheated this one time, more then likely there were more times in the past, and will be more cheating to come. It's hard to deal with when you love someone so much, but if this guy is cheating you can do a lot better. I say leave him now before this carries on any longer. Noone can have their cake and eat it too :)

Answer 10

Bartenders meet tons of women at work. Its almost too easy for them to take one home everynight.
Either accept it or get out if the marriage.