What are people's view on adoption?

Question

I am due to have a baby soon and her father is saying that I'm a horrible selfish person and that I'm a quitter because I don't feel like I can afford her or take care of her. He says that I should've gotten an abortion or not have had sex at all. Why does it get pinned all on the women? I feel like I'm doing the best for my child.

I'm in the beginning of my 9th month!

I'm also 23 yrs old and I have other kids. I just don't want my children to go without.

I would also like to add that I have lost a child before I was to deliver and I know loss it isn't easy and every year on that same day is a day that gets better but it still hurts. I have been through depression with my children who are alive and I can get over it (the depression).

He has two other children that aren't even his that he has to support. And he's the type of person that if his ex doesn't see name brand clothing on her girls that she throws a fit. He listens to her.

We already have children together and I am supporting them financially all by myself. It gets stressful and it's kind of scary thinking that I'll have to support another child by myself.

People have some rude comments. I was on the pill when I got pregnant. Things aren't alway 100% guaranteed. And I don't need to be told about medical crap. I'm going to medical school so I know a little about that area.

And abortion is not an option for me otherwise I would've had one in January when I found out I was pregnant. I would rather raise my child than rip it apart or torture it.

Answer 1

It sounds like the bio father just is not ready to be a parent and unfortunately is taking it out on you. I think you are making a very responsible decision if you feel that you cannot care or provide for your child. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

I am married, have a child who is almost 4 yrs old, and three months ago, I placed her baby sister for adoption at birth. Their father is my husband. We separated when I was 3 mo prego, and when he found out I was making an adoption plan, he made a point to tell me how horrible I was and what a low life mother I was because I realized that I could no way care for two children. I just barely manage to support one child. He has no prob calling me horrible names, but he never fought the adoption and has not even spoke to his older daughter since Easter. I did what was best for this baby and my older daughter. You must do the same. But be warned, that most courts will not allow an adoption plan without his consent. And you can attempt to go through with it, but you have to be prepared for a fight if he contests it. It would be horrible for the adoptive parents to have your baby and then have he/she taken away by a father who does not really want them.

And yes, it is always our fault. It is always the same thing: "keep your legs shut if you don't want a baby". Well, not only am I a mother and a birth mother, I am also pro-choice, meaning I support a woman's right to choose whatever she chooses. We should be allowed certain freedoms without persecution from our male counterparts. And any man who abandons a girl upon finding out she is pregnant should have NO SAY in an adoption. No rights, whatsoever.

Answer 3

I think that your baby's father needs a vasectomy ASAP! And you need some good birth control pills. And if he is going to have sex with you, then it is as much his fault as yours that you are pregnant. Tell him to put on a condom for pete's sake, and if he is not supporting the kids he has with you and not staying home all day to be Mr. Mom so you can work, you need to dump him and find a worthwhile man. The longer you stay with this loser, the less of a chance you are going to have to find someone who is worthwhile. Men do not like baggage--their own or anyone else's. The more kids you have the harder it will be to meet someone. Why is he paying for kids that are not his? If he is forced by the court to pay for yours, then the child support for the other woman's kids should be reduced accordingly. Why does he say that you are a quitter? What is he doing to help you? If you got pregnant knowing that he was not going to want to pitch in a be a father with a wallet, then perhaps you should have had an abortion. But if you are too far along, then adoption is an intelligent and courageous choice. I have been attending the meetings of a Waiting Families group. All the familes (some with kids and some couples without) are waiting for the day when the phone will ring and someone on the other end will tell them that their baby is ready for them to pick up. There are no guarantees in life, but couples who have applied to adopt have had their homes inspected more than once, they have submitted references and filled out extensive questionnaires, they have been fingerprinted and had criminal background checks done on them usually. They have submitted their financial records to scrutiny too, and many are not rich, but they are comfortable and able to provide for the child. All in an effort to make sure that children are adopted to parents who will give them what they need. I feel very favorable about adoption. These families want a litttle one more than anything because they cannot have children of their own.

Answer 4

You aren't being selfish by thinking about your child and what may be best for him/her. I think adoption is a great option for many people. No I don't think that just money should be the issue because rich people aren't always the greatest of parents and money isn't the biggest issue, the love and proper care is but if you feel that you can't take care of another child then adoption would be an option to consider. It isn't all on you though, he would have to agree to the adoption too. As for saying you should have gotten an abortion well maybe he doesn't want to have a child out there like that and as for the sex, well it takes two.

Answer 5

You've got to figure out if emotional stability is more important than material things. Essentially the plan you are deciding on is if material things are worth more than the sense of self that your child would develop growing up with you and his/her living siblings. ( who also will be losing something in adoption )

If i were you I would check into the survivors of adoption and see how its impacted their lives. See what they're doing now to heal and change the system so you can see how you'll feel in 20 - 30 - 40 years. heres some www.origins.org

Better yet try researching the impact loss of a mother has on a human being child, not just in adoption, but in other instances too, so you can see the familiarity patterns and see the connection of the severe impact loss of a mother has on a human being, especially at birth.

Then decide if this is the life you want for your child and you. Decide if its worth it, and if you can answer to your child in 18 years or maybe sooner if you have an open adoption. Know that legally binding open adoptions don't happen in the United States, that an adoptive couple can promise openness and close it at their choice whenever they want.

check out the following links:

www.originsUSA.org
www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf ( downloadable booklet on what you should consider when surrendering )
www.motherhelp.info

Answer 6

I strongly urge you to consult with other women who have relinquished children before you make a final decision. Relinquishment does not solve one problem and end there. It creates a whole new set of problems. You need to weigh everything and the ladies who have done this before you can support you and provide information on what to expect if you decide to follow through.

You might want to consider checking out dialogue of adopted adults and adoptive parents to get an idea of what to expect for your child should he/she be adopted. The feelings of adopted adults is certainly something to consider. Some are unhappy about adoption, some are well adjusted and thankful and many others have thoughts/feelings in between.

You can get support from all triad members on this web site without being told what to do or insulted for your decision, whatever it may be:

http://www.taoforumnetwork.com

The area to discuss with women and men who have relinquished is OS: Our Sanctuary.

Don't let the father make you feel guilty for doing what is right for you and your child, whatever you decide that is. You can offer to give him custody and let him parent the child if he is against relinquishment. If you parent I hope he steps up and helps out. If not know that you may qualify for social services to get you through hard times. If you *want* to parent, you can do it. If not, don't let others shame you for what you feel is best for you and your child.

Answer 7

I placed my son for adoption last December. We already have 2 little boys, and a third was much more than we knew we could handle.
It is the most unselfish decision you can make, as long as you do it for the right reasons. You need to think about what is best for your child.
What he says is just bull. Any man that actually gave a damn wouldn't be saying things like that. It doesn't sound like he is offering any alternatives. Besides, making baby took two.
Any way though, you should definitely contact someone about adoption. I went through Catholic charities, even though I am not catholic. The worker that I visited with was not pushy, and actually made me look at every option that I had before proceeding with the adoption paperwork. Any good agency or organization that you work with should never make you feel like you have to do this, or force you in to anything.
I won't lie, it hurts. I think about my little boy a lot, but it has gotten easier. I chose his family, and they are wonderful people. It is an open adoption, so they give me updates every now and then, so I know he is okay. I do not regret my decision, it was the best choice for him.
Im sorry to tell you so much about my own experience, but it really helped me when I was in the place you are, to hear other people's stories. If you have any questions for me, or want to talk, feel free to send me an email. I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 8

You are kind and loving to want the best for this baby. Please place the child for adoption and bless the baby with a loving stable family, the way God intended it to be.

I placed a baby for adoption when I was 15 years old.........that was 30 years ago and two years ago I found her! She told me that she was glad that I loved her enough to give her a chance in a family that truly wanted a baby, prayed for a baby, and was mature enough and financially secure enough to raise a child with all the responsibilities that go along with it. If I had kept her I would've been a 15 year old high school dropout with no earning capacity. She needed braces and all that stuff that goes with growing up, I wouldn't have been able to do that for her. Her father dropped out of the picture early in my pregnancy.

How'd she turn out? A loving Christian woman, college graduate, and thankful that I chose adoption over abortion.

Good luck, I know that you'll get flack over both sides.

Answer 9

Here is something to consider. A lot of adoptees who tell you that adoption was the best thing, also hate their biological mothers and are thankful they weren't raised with them.

Are you really that bad of a mother? It's a really good question to ask yourself, because it is very likily that your child will be appreciative to you, only because they are happy to not be raised with you. And if you are truly concerned that you would be a negative force in your child's life, then adoption COULD be something for a child to be thankful for. Escaping growing up with a cruel, viscious, or neglectful mother. Who wouldn't be happy for that?

But if you know in your heart that you love this child and you want to give that child all your love and provide all the things your child needs emotionally and spiritually, then remember than money doesn't mean everything. YES you want to be able to feed your child...

So if basic necessities are a concern then look into WIC, welfare, tanif, food stamps, section 8 housing.

Or family support if your family is willing to be supportive. I know it's not fun to use government programs, but remember, that is why they are there, for people to make it through the rough times to better their situations.

If you know you are using them for that purpose, then that is the reason we have them.

If you really do feel that your daughter will be neglected emotionally by you, then adoption could be a good solution. However, hormones can make you emotional and scared, is this a fear that you have that's based in reality, or just something your scared of as a hypothetical possibility?

There are a lot of things to think about, but please don't consult this dingbat father about it.

There is one thing that is certain, if you place your child for adoption you will more that loss, and for many people the pain of losing a child for adoption is just something that grows with time, although it may become subtler in other ways.

Make sure if you are going to go through that kind of pain, it ACUTALLY WILL benefit the child.

Many, though not all, adoptees struggle a lot with identity issues and feel a loss of not having their biological family members.

You don't want to go through all that suffering thinking that you gave your child a gift, only to find out that they struggled with things your biological children didn't even struggle with.

(I am adopted and my biological parents kids have all made it through highschool and college with a lot more love and support and understanding than I did. Even though they had less money, they all did better in school and felt more connected to their peers. It's really hard on my bioparents to see this, when it was so painful for them to place me and they believed I was really getting something better)

Answer 10

My cousin is adopted. Her mother was in a similar situation - father wanted her to have an abortion, but she refused. She had two other kids, but knew she wouldn't be able to take care of a third.

My cousin is now 10, and we adore her! There are so many couples out there who can't have kids, and want desperately to have a baby of their own.

Check into adoption, you don't have to commit to anything right away. The birth mother is in control. If you start feeling uncomfortable at any time, back out!

Just try to do what you think is right for you and your child.

Crisis pregnancy center is a great organization. If you have one in your area, check it out!

Answer 11

Please listen to what Rox said. Take her words to heart.

If you can raise this child, do so.

Adoption is based on loss... loss for the moms who relinquish, loss for their other children (the children we parent), and loss for the adoptee. Don't underestimate this loss... it is profound, and it runs deep.

If you literally can't feed another child, then yes, adoption is something to look into. But if you can raise this child... do so.

You're not a quitter. Don't listen to the father. But please DO consider how your child might feel, losing his or her mom; how your other children might feel, losing their sibling; and how you will feel, losing your child.

For us moms, adoption doesn't eliminate problems or obstacles, it just throws up new ones. Are you prepared to feel empty and sad? To have physically, literally aching arms for nights on end? To feed your other children and cook for them with a hole in your heart and tears behind your eyes? What happens if you get depressed? How will that affect your plans and your visions of life without another child?

It looks like a win-win-win solution, I know... adoptive parents get a child, child gets a stable home, you get to devote all your time and attention to your other children and to moving forward in life. On the surface, it seems so logical.

But the problem with that surface image is that underneath, there is a world of loss. And YOU and your CHILDREN (all of them--the new baby, and your parented children) will be on the receiving end of that loss. That will have an impact on all of you, one that is hard to understand now, but still a profound impact.

Please really consider whether this is necessary. I don't think you are a quitter or a horrible person for considering this... it is natural and actually the sign of a GOOD mother to think through all possibilities... but keep in mind that there is more to adoption than the surface mirage of win-win-win. It's so much more complicated, and it's life-altering.