Chrisians, please answer...Am I over-reacting?

Question

I posted this in the Christian section because i want a Christian view point. I am mad at my husband because he argues with me about how maxim, stuff, and gq are not bad magazines for men to read. He used to have a problem with pornography, so that magnifies my worries. He says he doesn't look at those magazines for the half naked/naked girls in them. Well, last night he was arguing with me that these magazines are not bad, and I feel very very hurt....am I over-reacing for being hurt. I mean, I thought that he changed and was not into that anymore, but now I wonder.

Oh, and I know that it is 'natural' for men to look at a beautiful woman, but I do not feel that it is right to intentionally look at a woman in a sexual manner when you are married.

Oh yeah, and he used to have some of these mags, but he got rid of them...but now he acts as if he is curious to buy them again.

Answer 1

There is nothing wrong with adults looking at these magazines. Maxim & GQ are just male versions of Cosmo. Have you tried reading Maxim and the others he has? You might find that they are not as bad as you think. There is a problem when he wants to spend more time with the magazines then with you.

Answer 2

Dear Kelli,

Matthew 5:27-28 states: "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

To look at magazines or anything that shows women improperly dressed is a transgression of God's law. Therefore, it is a sin. Being married or not is not in view in these verses. It is a commandment to ALL men.

I can sympathize with how you feel Kelli, however, if you are a Christian and love the Lord you will not have any thoughts of "divorce."

Again, we go back to the Bible and in Mark 10:6-9 we read, "But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."

These are God's words, not mine. The churches of today now advocate divorce in situations but God never gave His permission. You can see how "spiritually bankript" christian churches are today.

The question is: are you going to follow God or follow what the "churches" now say?

I know this is a hard problem to deal with but seek the Lord and pray. There is also a christian radio station called Family Radio (www.FamilyRadio.com). They have a program called "Open Forum" where listeners call-in with their questions and the host answers it from the Bible. Check the webstie for the frequecy in your area.

I hope this helps.

Answer 3

You are definitely not over-reacting. Unfortunately, there is no way to demonstrate that except from the Christian viewpoint. If he doesn't accept that viewpoint, it's probably hopeless.

You could argue that it's not right for a married man to be looking at other women in skimpy clothing. Most men would not like their wives looking at other men. But I assume you've tried that argument.

The Christian viewpoint is that if you are married, you need to do everything in your power to avoid being tempted to think lustfully about other women. Deliberately buying or reading magazines that you know contain tons of pictures that are specifically designed to arouse lust, is deliberately putting yourself in danger of committing adultery in your heart (i.e. lusting after women other than your wife). This is a sin, plain and simple.

But again, if he doesn't buy the Christian viewpoint, I doubt he'll buy this argument.

Answer 4

Pray with your husband and if you haven't read it read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, your husband may not be 'feeling' loved for some reason. You are right a married man should not be looking sexually at another women, but fighting only adds to the problem. Talk to him calmly and tell him your feelings not your anger. Ask him how he feels. If porn was once a problem he quit for a reason and I am sure he is feeling some guilt himself, your anger makes him defend himself though. Like I said pray together if he will if not then alone.

Answer 5

Well, I think you are correct in not wanting him to be ogling girls. I have no idea if you over-reacted or not. I know that if I cry and get hysterical about something, my husband automatically assumes I'm over-reacting, even if I'm not, so I try to have calm conversations with him instead.

A guy who has a porn problem can't possibly read Maxim, etc., without staring at the scantily clad photos of women.

Answer 6

Yes, your right it is natural for men to look at women like that HOWEVER it becomes a problem when the man starts to become controlled by it (like your husband's porn addiction).

Tell him it hurts your feelings when he looks at the women in those magazines b/c it makes you feel insecure about your appearance not being good enough for him anymore.

Maybe (as long as it's kept @ home & if you have kids they don't find it) you can create your own "homemade version" magazine with pictures of you in it for him. He could even take the pictures & tell you how to pose etc. To satisfy his fantasies b/c it's you he's looking @ & he'd probably like to be involved with how the poses come out.

Take care.

Answer 7

If you're a Christian, you should ask the pastor of your church. If you don't have a church, you should find one that teaches truth (those might be hard to find, but shouldn't be).

As for Scriptural reference:
Matthew 5:27-30
"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery'; but I say to you, that everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your hole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to go into hell."

If neither of you are a Christian, then these verses really don't apply. But yes, I agree that any form of pornography will lead to sin. The best thing for you to do is pray, because aggressive arguments don't lead to anything. If he refuses to understand how you feel about it, Matthew 18:15-17 can show you a good step-by-step process of what to do.

Answer 8

Your concern is legitimate... as Christians we are called by Christ to cast off all things that might hinder us from keeping God first in our lives. Given your husband's history, the temptation is just too great and I would agree with you that he should abandon flirting with sin in such a way before he becomes a victim of his own weaknesses.

Reguarding you being hurt... there is certainly room for it but it must be expressed in a constructive way, that is in a way that restores trust and accountability into your marriage before God. The reality is your husband is wrestling with sin, as much as he may know he should leave it behind he is having to struggle with thoughts to maintain positive control over his desires/actions. This struggle can be attributed to three things; the first is simply being a man, the second is lack of committment to God and the third is demonic influence. There is little that can be done against the first reason... however our intellect and spiritual strength should have no trouble keeping things in check. The second is indeed an issue, if his committment to God is lacking... a lot of issues will appear gray to him and when tempted confusion and false justification start to find their way in. This is why Paul also tells us to put on the armor of God each day... so that we can be prepared to not only survive but fight for the Kingdom of God. The final reason is an odd one, but unfortunately true. Addictions start out as choices, but soon enough they become the only choice... this usually occurs either physiologically or spiritually. In your husband's case physiologically is not an issue... its not a physical need but a pshycological one which stems from spiritual wealth or lack of. This means I am talking about spiritual warfare... demons are attracket to people who have chronic sin / addictions and come back searching for a place to hang out (like rats to garbage). This would not be a possesion but rather an oppression... they enhance the craving/desire to try and get you to go back to "Egypt" if you know what I mean. This can only be fixed through prayer, confession and repentance... the Lord can remove this link altogether. With that said, the memories remain and he must be on his guard; like an alcoholic, he would be well advised to steer clear of even one glass of wine.

With the three reasons given, the problem truly lies in number two (lack of comittment to God)... as we comitt ourselves to God our desire to comitt sin dies along the way. Your husband will need a discrete accountability partner to help him win over this struggle, you would be a great person for that.

Answer 9

Sounds like your husband is about to slip back into porn addiction. Compromise is sin, and your husband is compromising. The first thing he needs to do is to quit trying to excuse what he is doing and claiming it doesn't mean anything—because it does. Not only has he offended you and hurt your marriage, but he has also shown that he is in the grip of something he needs to be free from.
By allowing his mind to feed on this garbage, he is saying in effect that his wife is no longer beautiful to him, and he has a secret yearning for someone else. He is also admitting that his life is centered in himself and his own desires, instead of putting his wife first and seeking to fulfill her needs.
The Bible is clear: "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry" (Colossians 3:5). He needs to stop excusing things that dishonor God; he should not even allow them to have any place in his life.
Pray for your husband. Let him know you are hurt by what he is doing, but don't badger him about it. Pray for him, and encourage him to pray with you, not just about this but about every aspect of your marriage. Make sure Christ is the center of your life as well.

Answer 10

Temptation is tough... it can be disguised as a very innocent thing at first but it may deepen as time goes on. What I think he's doing - and I'm guilty of this myself - is justifying the sin. Sure, looking is very harmless, but this may just be the beginning (again) for him.

What can you do? PRAY FOR HIM. And keep informing (not arguing) him of what you see this leading towards. Talk to a pastor, Christian friend, leader who he respects and will listen to.

I don't believe this is any reflection on you or your relationship - please, try not to take this personally.