very confused?

Question

i just found out that my step son (9 years old) was molested by someone in his mothers family. he is now in counceling for it and seems to have a really bad attitude about life. i have never known anyone this has happened to and i am very confused about the whole thing because a friend told me that children that have been molested do it to other children. Well I have a son his age , and the boys share a room when my step son is there. and we also have a newborn daughter. i am very worried but i don't know how to approach my husband about it because i don't want him to get mad and i don't want to upset anyone. is this true that children that have been molested do it to other children? this is not to accuse or offend anyone, i just need answers. should i seperate the boys from sleeping in the same room together? help?

we have a 3 bedroom home
1 our room
2 the boys room
3 my daughters room.
we don't have an extra bedroom to put him in, what do i do?

Answer 1

I understand that your husband might be upset at the thought that his son could do this but the fact is that YES most molesters were molested themselves. I think YOU should talk to the counselor or one of your own and see what they think. I am betting they will say the boy should sleep alone.

That said, it is important that you love him through this and not just see him as a predator to your kids. He is a VICTIM of a horrible crime. I think counseling is needed for you and your husband as well to deal with this.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

Hi, worked in a daycare for almost 2 years, and there was this little boy who i know in my heart was being molested by his moms bf. It was very upsetting because he would play this game he called "the pee pee game" with other children that were younger than him, and he described graphic sex acts at 4 years old. He tried to play this game with at least 5 other kids that i am aware of. Not all people who are molested turn around and do that to other children, but some will. Just make sure that he is getting the help he needs, and maybe you should let your son sleep with you and your husband when your step son is there, and make sure that your son is comfortable with comming to you if something like this should happen to him. Also i think you should be upfront and honest with your husband, you never know he could be worried about it too. It's for the saftey of your son and i think that being honest with your husband about your fears is probably the best way to handle this and take care of the problem.

Answer 3

Ok let me tell you my story...

My stepbro was molested by his cousin. At that time my brother was 8 or 9 and his cousin was 12. His cousin grew up in a bad home where he was beaten and molested too, and then yes he did the same to my step-brother. The cousin is pretty bad off, he is out there and will probably end up in trouble...however my step-bro is fine, he went to some counseling, and church and he is fine! Straight A's in school, captain of the football team, has a wonderful girlfriend. So it really depends on the person and how they can take a situation and turn it into something good or bad...It sounds like he is pretty beat up about it (which is normal) please give him time, and I hope he comes around.

In the meantime, YES seperate them, he may feel so bad about what happened to him, he would want someone else to feel that bad too (thats what the cousin did) If you hubby gets upset about it just tell him you think the son needs his own space after everything that has happened, it will work out. Plus I am sure your son would feel better too. Just tell your hubby they both need space after everything! You need to expain to your son what happened so in case anything started to happen with the stepson he would know better and come get you

I would put them seperate, maybe one on the couch, or anywhere... or even your son going to a friends house that weekend, or to his dads...I am serious it does happen, and I would hate for him to start a chain reaction.

Good luck

Answer 4

While it is true that most molesters were molested themselves, it is also true that MOST children who were molested will NEVER do it to another child. Most people who were molested as children are over-protective and will do anything to protect another child from that pain. No one would have known my husband or I had been molested, we both told to protect someone else(he was protecting his brother, I was protecting my cousin)

I suggest talking to your son's councilor about your fears. He/she can answer your questions about generalizations and statistics, and also give more specific answers about your step-son. Also, I know you fear for your other children, that is normal, but PLEASE be there for your step-son. Don't let him know your fears, no matter how real they are, right now he needs your support. Also, be aware that a boy has a rougher time than a girl after being molested, especially if it was another male who did it. DO NOT let your step-son hear you talking about it with anyone, he will feel like you betrayed him. He does not want people to know, respect his wishes as much as possible! There are lots of on-line support groups were you can discuss your concerns while protecting his privacy. Treat this with as much respect as you would a rape case, because that is what it is!

Answer 5

It's not at all unusual for children who have been sexually abused to 'act' this behaviour out with other children.
Often victims of sexual abuse have been led into confusing and believing the sexual behaviours to equal love and trust, and often confuse such behaviours with a healthy relationship.
Children who are victims of molestation may also feel powerless, and 'abusing' another child is a way of reassuring themselves of their control over SOMETHING.

I would observe the children closely, and keep a keen eye out for anything that seems innappropriate. I don't think you're over reacting, but neither do I think you need to panic. You're right to be concerned, but so long as you monitor the situation, and interactions between the children in your home, I wouldn't be unduly worried.
I would definitely suggest talking with his therapist about your concerns though, he or she may be able to put your mind at rest and give you a better idea of what to expect.

If you absolutely did need to separate the children, perhaps you could put your newborn in with you and your husband, or your other son for the time being. This may not be ideal, but would keep the other children safe, and might also help your stepson with regards to his privacy, and feeling that his personal space is respected.
Good luck to your step son and your family.

Answer 6

It is true that SOME children who have been molested will turn around and do it to someone else, but definitely not ALL children. As long as you're getting him the proper therapy he may need at this time, you probably don't have to worry about it. Just make sure your son knows he can talk to you about anything...make that very clear to him without mentioning exactly what you mean.

Answer 7

It's good that you have him in counseling. My son was adopted by me when he was 3 and he was molested by his birth mother. He does have some anger issues that we're working through, but he hasn't molested anyone or shown any inappropriate behavior otherwise.

Some kids might try to molest other children but I would say most do not, especially if they are getting the help they need, like your stepson.

Answer 8

it SOMETIMES happens but not always.
just keep a close eye on the situation and make sure he continues in counseling, and find out information about abused children so your well informed.

when you are abused you know the pain and shame and would not want to pass on the suffering to another human BUT sometimes the pain is so bad and the child so damaged their thinking is not clear and they may harm others.
the child is young and is going to counseling so like I said everything should be fine and your concerns are legitimate, just read and get as much information as possible and love him no matter what!


edit: how old is your son? he is probably old enough to be taught about good and bad touch, any child over 3 should learn about good and bad touch and proper body part names and who is aloud(mommy, daddy and doctors) to touch him there.
if you keep an open relationship with your children and teach them appropriate touch they are more likely to come to you and tell what happened, not only in the case of your step son but any potential molester.

Answer 9

It is possible. I would suggest separating the boys. Keep a close eye on them at all times. You need to discuss this with your husband asap. It would be better to do it now then to have him molest your son and daughter. Your husband should understand. Don't look down on your step son though, what happened wasn't his fault. Just make sure you include him in all activities that you all do.

Answer 10

From what I remember from old psych classes, there are 2 things going on there.

They want to do what was done to them, to try and figure out what exactly was going on.

They don't see any reason NOT to, since it was done to them.

Therapy will help him understand it all, know it wasn't his fault, and so on, so he won't want to recreate the situation as an abuser to understand it.

It'll also help him understand that it was wrong, and help him know what is and isn't appropriate.

He's not going to be a monster or anything, just make sure he has a good therapist help him through it all, and give him his own bedroom without making it an issue why.

I hope this helps, wish I remembered more from those lectures.