Pre-Deployment Problems... am I wrong?

Question

My husband has some leave before he goes to Iraq--this is his first time. I'm in college, so I'm gone for a couple hours a day, and he was glad to have some time to himself. Which was fine. But he went on for hours last night about how it was going to be like binge drinking, how he wouldn't care about anyone but himself, how he was so happy to be away from me. I was glad to give him time alone, but the way he kept going on about it made me so upset. I asked him to stop and he wouldn't for another hour. I had to leave the room.

This morning he was being fine, and I mentioned I might not go to my biology class this afternoon, because the subject is one I've already covered. He paused and didn't recognize it. He admitted he was angry that I would be coming home.

I know he needs time alone, but why can't he be a little bit kind to me? I'm stuck here at college, crying, because I can't even go home to make the bed. He's mad at me for being upset. Am I wrong?

Answer 1

No, you're not wrong. He's scared. He wouldn't be human if he wasn't. Different people react in different ways. He may also be worried that while he's away you'll be hit on by all those college guys.

Answer 2

As much as this hurts it is actually a normal part of what is now called the cycle of deployment. Stage 2 withdraw. It makes leaving less painful. most people don't even realize what they are doing . You push away from the person and put distance between yourself and them so that when you do finally leave you are already half gone. Thus making the break not so sudden. Another phase that a lot of people don't realize is so hard is the reintegration period. When he returns and the new wears off then the problems start. He will be trying to fit in with a family he doesn't know and you will have to make space for him after being everything in the house. It is hard but recognizing what you are going through is half the battle. There are counselors on most bases that can help you both with these things. Check them out.

Answer 3

I agree with what the people above me have said about this being a way to separate himself from you and from this "normal" life before being thrown into an unknown situation. However, he's probably not even aware on a conscious level that he's doing it. Especially since this is his first time going over there. Somehow we think that if we're mad at the person we're leaving it will be easier to leave them. Kind of an "I'm glad that jerk is out of here" reaction. It works for a little while but then we miss so much of the last minuted good times we could have had and memories we could have built.

I know it's going to be hard on you but you do need to give him some space. It's going to be hard on him but he does need to give you some closeness before he leaves. Can you find a time to sit down and talk about this when you're both calm? Sometimes making a deal to trade off say an hour of alone time with an hour of memory building will work.

And how close are you to your FRG (Family Readiness Group)? It can help a lot to be with women who are experiencing similar things from their husbands. Not only do you feel less alone but you can get tips that may work to make things less tense. And, if they're any good, you would have been forewarned that this might happen because the good groups include education on this stuff before it comes up.

Even knowing it's normal and that it's pretty much going to happen before a deployment doesn't make it much easier to deal with. But it does make it easier to forgive and get on to the important stuff in life instead of staying mad.

Answer 4

Everything will be fine.... after being together for 23 years (19 of those married), we still go through this with every deployment. We fight like cats and dogs for about a month before he leaves, and then the first letter we write each other is an apology for being such a jerk, and telling the other how much we love them and miss them. It's just our way of dealing.

Just make sure that you guys keep the communication open. Keep talking and writing and letting him know how much you love him once he is gone. Even slip a note in his luggage that he'll find when he unpacks. A deployment can make a good marriage stronger or a bad marriage fall apart. It only ruins a good marriage if there is no effort to communicate during the deployment.

Definitely go to military one source. If you are army, go to your FRG and if you are Air Force, your key spouse should be calling you once he leaves, or head to the Airman and Family Readiness Center. Lean on the other spouses.... I'm sure you'll hear more of the same kind of things from the others.

hang in there!!!! {{hugs}}

Answer 5

Unfortunately, these types of reactions by first-timers are common. He thinks that by de-humanising himself and driving a wedge between you and him is (a) going to make it easier to be away from you(he's already planning on destroying his short term memory by binge drinking)and (b) make you love him less so that if,god forbid,something happens to him, you(hopefully) don't grieve as much.
As for the bit about only caring about himself when he's over there-he will discover very quickly how wrong he is.Like i said, all the anxiety he is feeling is related to his concern and love of you.
I know you are trying to understand-that's hard unless you have been in his position.
Understand this is a completely normal reaction for people under stress and fear of possible impending tragedy. That's why he's doing the male-bravado thing. The thing is, he is probably aware of what he is doing but couldn't explain it if he tried.
Sometimes, holding your loved ones silently in your arms says more than words can.
If you know any of the other soldier's wives now would be a good time to talk to them. I'll bet your not alone.

Answer 6

No, you are not wrong. It sounds a little like your husband may be trying to pull away from his life here before he actually leaves. This may be his way of protecting his own emotions about leaving you. Deployment is hard, and he probably knows how much he's going to miss his life here. Sometimes people detach themselves from the people they love as a form of self-protection. The pain of leaving you, may be more than he thinks he can bear. If he can distance himself now, he thinks it won't hurt so badly later. I don't know you, so it's hard for me to make any judgements about your relationship. However, I know what a difficult time this is in your lives. Try to talk with him about this without arguing. Tell his how much this hurts you. You both need each other's love and assurance now more than ever. Deployment is just not fun, no matter how many "positive" things he may be trying to tell himself about it. Trust me, he probably already nows how much it's going to suck. Just be honest with each other, and let him know how much you love him. Some soldiers worry that they may lose their wives by leaving. Reaching out is the best thing you can do. None of us are alone in any situation. I care!! If a nutty lady in TN cares, then lots of others do too! Best of luck to you both, and thank you for your service to our country.

Answer 7

Every man shows fear and stress in different manners. When we went to our pre deployment briefing the chaplain was there and he made a statement ..he said if you have never fought with your spouse before, you will now, if you never seen a side of your spouse before you will now, just remember they are only human and everyone is different with the way they express their fears and stress, he continued to say just give your spouse the room they need and all the love, understanding and support you can give them. Its natural for things to seem "wrong" before a deployment. If you are having trouble go talk to your chaplain. You dont have to be a religious person to talk to him, he will listen and he will understand with out any judgement on anyone. He will even suggest counseling or something other if he feels it would help.
Im sorry I disagree with the FRG.. after being an army wife 14 years I have realized that the FRG is nothing more then a group of gossiping women...I used to be an FRG leader key word "used" I gave it up along time ago. I tell my POC to call me with important information. If you like gossiping then you will love the FRG.

Answer 8

I have been through this 3 times, once with each child. We call it "good to go". He is trying to distance himself from you. He doe not realize he is doing this. He will have good days and bad days. He will realize he is going and pull away.

It has NOTHING to do with you. Just try to go with the flow. If he wants to talk about it, just listen, as hard as it is, try not to push.

Proud Navy Wife is right. Go to militaryonesource.com. They are a wealth of information. If you are having problems with dealing with the deployment, you can call them and get 6 free counseling sessions.

Be sure you join the Family Readiness Group. You will find you are not alone. The families in the group will help each other. You will probably find someone that you will be able to call each other in the middle of the night to just talk and to bond with through the deployment.

Answer 9

There are some helpful articles on www.militaryonesource.com about getting ready for and dealing with deployment. One states:
"Everyone reacts to the news of a deployment differently. You may feel :
angry
sad
confused
nervous
a strong sense of denial

Some people may also start to withdraw from their spouse or partner to try and make the transition easier. All of these are normal reactions to a deployment."

He's trying to emotionally separate before he's forced to - it's normal. Try to sit down and talk to him. Maybe read some articles together. Good luck.

Answer 10

Some guys do this before they go one deployments, they will distance themswelves from you incase they get killed so you are already use to be alone. My husband did this to me on three deployments, he was infront of a computer monitor for hours and playing Halo, to hone in his gun skills for hours and basically emotionally abandoned me, while I was thinking, we should be spending as much time togther for in a month he will be gone for the next six months, and he was preparing me for being alone for th e next six months or, God forbid, incase he got killed. I don't even know if they realize they are doing this, but its some kind of thing they just automatically do, is train there wives for the worst, like we want to be trained to be alone.

Answer 11

Hey I know just how you feel...My husband tried keeping to himself, and would get bothered with our 4 yr old very easily and anything I did or said got on his nerves...and my husband is normally more of a kid than our son..and the sweetest fun loving guy ever..however when the weeks got closer he tried to push away..which is all your husband is doing..he has about a million and one things going through his head..and this is only his first tour..he doesnt know what to expect, if he's gonna come back, if you are gonna cheat..he is trying to seperate himself..so if you cheat or leave him while he is gone it will make it easier on him..and if god forbid something happens to him he thinks it will make it easier on you..the night my husband left I was crying and he gave me a hug..while tapping my back..saying ok already I really need to go..needless to say he needed to push himself away..but I didnt need it..when he came home on R&R he cried to me and told me how sorry he was for leaving that way..and when he left again he left on a much better note...but trust me your husband will regret leaving like this...and while he is in Iraq he WILL learn how much he really does love you...and you are in no way wrong sweetie...trust me..he is just very scared..sometimes we need to exchange shoes of another to truely understand...just try it for a moment..