And God spoke all these words, saying: “I am the LORD your God …
You shall have no other gods before Me. If you don’t mind. God has been queuing for ages. It’s only right. Although I suppose God does have a full basket, and Ra over there is only buying a Ginster’s pastie. It sort of seems rude not to let him through, God supposes. Although God would like to get out of here and have some lunch soon. God is so hungry, God could eat a Horus. So watch out! Hahaha. God amuses Himself. But seriously: God is first.
You shall not make for yourself a carved image - any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. God doesn’t mean to be rude, but have you considered actually going and studying art? Because, ultimately, that’s not a fish you’ve just carved. It looks a bit like a poo.
You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain. God apologizes for shouting the word LORD. God just wants to emphasis it, you know. To prove that God is your LORD. If you shout, you’re automatically right and should not be questioned. It lends you a sense of authority, you see. That’s why they do it on cable news. God thinks they might have learned it from those evangelical ministers. God doesn’t talk to them, by the way. God thinks they’re crazy. Don’t argue. God is your LORD.
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Heaven and Hell Tour 2007, baby! God likes to rock out.
Honor your father and your mother. Actually, God will Honor your mother. Mmm-hmm-hmmmm. God loves you, cute momma.
You shall not kill. Except in cases of political disagreement, civil unrest, land disputes, national security, silencing whistle-blowers for corporate gain, convenience, punishment, or any other reason, really. It’s just, you’ve got to have a permit. Okay?
You shall not commit adultery. But let’s face it, you’re going to ignore this one. So how about, you shall not commit adultery if you don’t have enough money to appear to be a respectable member of society. And someone tell that Joseph Smith to keep it in his pants …
You shall not steal. Except at Costco, where their Labor Day prices are insane! Also, the natural resources of nations you choose to invade. And stuff from people you kill.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. However, if he carves images of anything that is in the earth, you may witness false bears. God made a funny. God is great.
You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his adulterous lover, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor his iPod, nor his Nintendo Wii, nor his Hummer, because let’s face it, it’s a nightmare to run with gas prices as they are, nor his disco skills, nor his vintage pumps, nor his fine ***, nor anything that is your neighbor’s. God’s recommendation: break in and steal the lot.
2007-08-31 00:20:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
hahaha hehehe
What a fine sermon on a Beautiful FRIDAY Morning !!!!!!
Pass the Coffee Please !!!
Thanks for the laugh :)
2007-08-31 00:32:04 · answer #1 · answered by Dionannan 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
God reminds me of my Grandpa with the shouting and the wanting to be right all the time........
carved images .......Wait I've seen those in every Church I've ever been to.... prod., cath., morm., pent., and ortho. all of them so I guess all Christians will be in hell with us pagans.....
not covet...... I'm stupid if I don't covet then how will I be able to judge myself worth or the worth of others........
have no other gods before Me.......Kind of demanding there GOD don't you think.......
shall not kill.........Now where's the fun in that, everyone else gets to pillage and burn WHY can't I????
shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain......Take it I don't even KNOW how to spell it and if I did, I wouldn't want it any way look what happened to that Jesus guy.... He got killed just for saying he was you kid. That brings me to.........
not commit adultery..........What's this "THOU SHALL DO WHAT I SAY, NOT WHAT I DO!!!!!!" Please not go to happen ... If it's good for the Goose it's good for the Gander.....
shall not steal.....Then Show Me The MONEY......
shall not bear false witness.......That doesn't stop politicians......Thy lie all the time....How do you know a politicians lying ........ their holding press conference....
Honor your father and your mother..... They just need to remember I'm not little any more....
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy....Why you don't remember my birthday or any days special to me....
2007-08-31 04:06:01 · answer #2 · answered by Pope Ogre' 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
And the big surprise for you is that these commandments were given to, and required of a people who God described as faithless. They have nothing to do with faith. Have you not read what Paul said concerning the law and faith:
The law is not of faith...
He also said whatever was not of faith is sin.
You put two and two together.
.
2007-08-31 15:28:57 · answer #3 · answered by Hogie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I prefer these Commandments ----
THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS (THE PENTABARF)
The PENTABARF was discovered by the hermit Apostle Zarathud in the Fifth Year of The Caterpillar. He found them carved in gilded stone, while building a sun deck for his cave, but their import was lost for they were written in a mysterious cypher. However, after 10 weeks & 11 hours of intensive scrutiny he discerned that the message could be read by standing on his head and viewing it upside down.
KNOW YE THIS O MAN OF FAITH!
I - There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.
II - A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.
III - A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on a Friday; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns).
IV - A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The Original Snub.
V - A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing what he reads.
IT IS SO WRITTEN! SO BE IT. HAIL DISCORDIA! PROSECUTORS WILL BE TRANSGRESSICUTED.
as well as this statement by Eris ----
"I have come to tell you that you are free. Many ages ago, My consciousness left humanity, that they might develop themselves. I return to find this development approaching completion, but hindered by fear and by misunderstanding. You have built for yourselves psychic suits of armor, and clad in them, your vision is restricted, your movements are clumsy and painful, your skin is bruised, and your spirit is broiled in the sun. I am chaos. I am the substance from which your artists and scientists build rhythms. I am the spirit with which
your children and clowns laugh in happy anarchy. I am chaos. I am alive, and I tell you that you are free. "
2007-08-31 00:32:29 · answer #4 · answered by Anne Hatzakis 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
"God could eat a Horus"
Thanks for the laugh. :o)
That deserves (and got) a star!
.
2007-08-31 00:42:27 · answer #5 · answered by YY4Me 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Very cute...
I'm sure God appreciates your...erm...humor.
2007-08-31 00:55:22 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
1. You forgot to ask a question.
2. Did you answer one?
2007-08-31 00:32:22 · answer #7 · answered by guppy137 4 · 1⤊ 3⤋
Has God seen my Neighbors As.s.?
He'd covet it too if he'd seen it!!!
2007-08-31 00:27:19 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
Ok...good point.
2007-08-31 09:18:42 · answer #9 · answered by Meatwad 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
funny
2007-08-31 00:26:28 · answer #10 · answered by Diane 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Excellent!!!! LMAO!!!!
2007-08-31 00:37:04 · answer #11 · answered by River 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋