How should I deal with my mother?

Question

I moved out of my mothers house a year ago to live with my bf. Ever since then she claims I have changed for the worse. She complains I don't call or visit as often as I should. Although she claims to hold nothing against Kevin (my bf), she believes my he is manipulative and controlling over me. She also suspects he has hit me. None of these things are true, but nothing I say will matter because she thinks I'm just defending him.

Now to give a little more feedback, this is my first real relationship. I moved in with him 5 months into our relationship. My mother never really approved of me moving out without warning. I don't like visiting with mother because she always has something negative to say to me. She acts like she holds nothing against him when we are there. But on the phone she's quick to judge. For the past year I have put school on hold because I've been working while Kevin finished up his BA in Organizational Psychology. She holds that against him too.

Recently my younger sister moved out because of my mothers overbearing attitude towards her and her man. My mother wanted us to move in to help her out. Kevin and I decided not to move in because we are planning to buy a house soon. My mother is now upset with me and has started with the drama again. I accept my man has old fashioned views about a man and a womans role in a marriage, but we've never done anything to make my mom think the way she does. I don't want to deal with it. He thinks I need to confront her and tell her how I feel.

Answer 1

Your mother is unhappy in herself. You kids are getting the brunt of it. You will have to live true to yourself and realize nothing you can do will make her happy. It is not about you. It is some problem she has that she is not facing by focusing on you and your sister.

You sound like you are a team player and a good partner with your boyfriend. You need to get through college and you need to not get pregnant.

I would listen to mom, but be very careful how much of your own life and thoughts you share with her. Be polite, be kind and agree with her. Don't fall for being manipulated. Step back, agree and empathize, but avoid being caught up in her game. If she misses you, then set some time aside to see her, but maybe agree on some ground rules such as you will not discuss this or that in advance and gently remind her if she falls back into it. Let her know what you want from her without criticizing her. "I like it more when you do ____" works. But in the end, your behavior and her behavior are up to each of you. You can't fix her and you can't make her happy. You can choose how much you let it impact you and choose to be happy despite her silliness.

I wish you the best in love and life. Good luck.

Answer 2

You should have a long talk with her. But, with what you have said, there is something with him that she sees that you do not see just yet. She is trying to protect you, and you cannot blame her for that or hold it against her. True enough, she should not start in on it every time you and her are together though. She should state her opinion, whether good or bad, and you should accept that she feels that way without getting upset with her, and that should be the end of it. She is right to hold the schooling against him, but she should hold it against you as well. That was not a mature move you made. You both should have finished school before moving in together bc of this very thing. Most who put school on hold never go back for one reason or another. The rate of that is over 90%, so it is a very common thing that happens and she has a right to be upset about that. If you would respect her enough to listen to her opinions and feelings without getting upset, and she would respect you enough not to criticize every time you are around her, then everything would be great. Do not let this separate you and your mother. No man is worth that.

Answer 3

Liz shes your mother and u cant run from her forever and one day u will have to face her no matter what so better now then later and u will have to explain to her that this is the guy that u dreamed of and tell her that u know that when u are happy she is happy and tell her that she must let u make your choices by your self and u are a big girl now and tell her that u love her no matter what.

just be cool these days most of the mothers are like that because of the pressure of being a father and a mother in the same time even if the father is actually there and u know something my mother is like that too but i try to ignore the bad things that she says because if i started to take all her words seriously then i will start to hate her and i don't want that. good luck Liz with your life and i hope that i helped.

Answer 4

Your life is yours. Next she starts blaming you bf for everything, just tell her that you are a grown woman and no one makes your decisions for you. Tell her that you love her, but you also have a life to take care of. tell her not to get her feelings hurt just because you get so busy that you do not have a chance to call or come by. Tell her that you sometimes avoid her because of the negative attitude she has, and you might call more often if she were more pleasant to speak to. Just be honest with her, but always add that you do love her and would like to be closer, if she will accept what you have chosen to do in life.

Answer 5

keep in touch with mum more and always only tell her the good things,
parents let there minds go into overdrive when they worry,
invite her around for dinner, make sure there is nothing she can complain about and only talk about the good things that are happening in your life, there life and the world. you don't want to bring up anything bad she can start on you about. after she goes home after having a lovely evening she will realise that your happy ,your b/f is a nice guy, you are taking care of each other and yourselves,
after all thats all your mum really wants to known.
she needs to know your okay and then she will back off
whether you like it or not your always going to be her baby, and she will always worry.

Answer 6

I think your mom is over-protective, but only because she loves you. I think she has a hard time expressing it. She is afraid of you getting hurt. I think you all should sit down and have a heart to heart. You mother needs to be reassured you will be ok, and that you can take care of yourself.

Answer 7

When she starts in, tell her you don't want to hear it and end the conversation. That'll let her know you mean what you say.

Answer 8

i guess your mum has taken to hard on herself that her babies have grown up.. u need to be patient with her... talk to reassure her.. isit her as often as posible.. she only means well {}