2007-08-30 14:17:30 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Sports ➔ Auto Racing ➔ NASCAR
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1
Woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had
To leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very
Touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
Because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband
And kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices
With little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping .......
TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SMILE
ABOUT TODAY !!
Just for good measure here's another one:
Grandmas Don't Know Everything
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.
2007-08-30 16:21:50 · answer #1 · answered by shortnstoudt 4 · 8⤊ 0⤋
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES.
2007-08-31 00:34:14 · answer #2 · answered by omichels24 3 · 10⤊ 1⤋
Dale Jr and Tony Stewart were arguing about which one was better known. When Jr said that he knew the Pope, his buddy said "Prove it". Upon arrival to Vatican City, Jr pointed up at a window and told Tony that soon he would see him standing in that very window with his arm around the Pope. Sure enough, about 20 minutes later, Tony looked up and saw the Pope standing in the window next to Jr who had his arm around him. Jr was looking down at the crowd, and saw Tony laying on the ground unconcious. He rushed to his friends side and said "You ok Tony? You know I'm pretty famous, so I didn't think the sight of me with the Pope would make you pass out." Tony replied "No, that ain't it. When you appeared in that window, some guy tapped me on the shoulder and asked ------------- "Hey, who's that guy in the window with Jr?"
2007-08-31 05:53:16 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through She leans over and says: "I just let a silent one". What do you think I should do?
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
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One Day At The Doctor's Office...
An elderly couple showed up at the doctor's office together one day. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "We'd like you to watch us have sex, and make sure everything's all right."
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex, everything's fine." He charged them $50 and they went on their way.
The next week, they showed up again, with the same request, and the next week, and several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $109. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!!!"
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2007-08-31 02:41:03 · answer #4 · answered by Tina 4 · 5⤊ 1⤋
A Green Troll walked into a bar with a frog on his head
and ordered a beer. The bartender looked at him
and said "Excuse me. But did you know there was a frog on your head?" The frog answered,"Yes, it started out
as a wart on my a**."
2007-09-01 02:14:29 · answer #5 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's a happy guy & an unhappy guy that work in the same office. The unhappy guy asks the happy guy, "Why are you always so happy?" The happy guy replies, "Every morning my wife & I have wonderful sex." The unhappy guy asks, "How do you get her in the mood?" Happy guy says, "I always recite poetry to her like this; Blonde, Blonde, eyes of blue, let me make sweet love to you. Works every time! You should try it on your wife."
Next day the unhappy guy comes in all beat up, two black eyes, a fat lip & broken nose. The happy guy sees him & asks, "What the heck happened to you?" Unhappy guy replies, "Well, last night I took your advice & recited some poetry to my wife & as you can see she didn't like it very much." Happy guy asks, "What did you recite to her?" Unhappy guy says, "I said; Nappy head, nappy head eyes like a frog, roll your fat as$ over & I'll do ya like a dog!"
2007-08-31 08:20:05 · answer #6 · answered by totally24fan 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
A very faithful NASCAR fan died and went to heaven.When he got to the pearly gates ST. Peter meet him to show him around.
As they walked the streets of gold the faithful fan noticed the 24 Dupont car on the side of the road.
The fan gasped and exclaimed "Oh no is Jeff dead?"
ST.Peter laughted and stated"Oh no thats just GOD's car,he let's Jeff drive it on Sunday"
2007-08-30 23:14:02 · answer #7 · answered by blakree 7 · 12⤊ 0⤋
Did you hear about the woman who's suing Wal-Mart for a million bucks?
Seems she went to try on a Montoya T-shirt & slammed into the wall 6 times before she got out of the dressing room.
2007-08-30 23:12:44 · answer #8 · answered by schizophreniabeatsdiningalone 5 · 9⤊ 2⤋
I walked into a bar the other and saw a priest and a rabbi sitting at a table i didn't know whether to send them a bottle of wine or a boy scout
2007-08-31 01:38:19 · answer #9 · answered by sparkle 1 · 4⤊ 2⤋
A reporter is walking down the street when he sees a dobermann attacking a little boy. Before he can get over there to help, an older boy nearby wearing a NASCAR t-shirt beats the dog to death. The reporter pulls out his notepad and starts asking questions. "Are you boys related?" The older boy nods. "He's my brother." The reporter starts scribbling. "Okay, the headline will read 'Young Gordon fan saves brother!'" The boy snorts. "I ain't no stinking Gordon fan!" Crossing that out, the reporter says "Okay, how about 'Heroic Earnhardt fan rescues sibling'?" The boy shakes his head. "I ain't no Earnhardt fan, either." The reporter asks, "So who's your driver?" "Montoya," replies the boy. So the reporter writes in his notebook 'Juvenile delinquint kills beloved family pet.'
2007-08-30 22:31:41 · answer #10 · answered by hockey_gal9 *Biggest Stars fan!* 7 · 7⤊ 3⤋