Did My Mother-In-Law Cross the Line?

Question

I recently had to have emergency exploratory surgery following a tubal ligation gone bad. My mother-in-law brought my very young children into my ICU room while I was still intubated! I'm furious that she thought it was appropriate for them to see me like that. During my hospital stay, on two separate occasions, she said to me, "I knew B.K. should have been the one to get snipped. It would have been an outpatient procedure and none of this would have happened." She also mentioned this again three days after I was discharged from the hospital. I recently found out that she said the exact same thing to my mother the day it all happened! I was literally moments away from death and she thinks its cute or funny to say things like that? I just don't get it. I'm terribly upset about the whole situation. Am I over-reacting? Should I say something to her? If so, what to say and how to approach her in the first place? I fear that its too late to say anything, but I am truly upset.

BTW - in reference to the comment she made about my husband being 'snipped' instead of me, it was in an "I told you so" manner. At least that's the way it seemed to my husband and I. Also, when I was intubated, I was unconscious, so I felt like there was NO need for the children to be there at all. She also didn't ask my husband if she could bring them in. Instead, she waited until he had gone upstairs to check on our newborn.

Lindy Lou - Sorry. I didn't mean that I think she said it to be cute or funny. I just don't understand why she thought it was the right thing to say in the first place. Its not like she said it once out of frustration or worry, she said it on SEVERAL different occasions even after I told her that the comment bothered me. I don't know if she's trying to be cute/funny, if she's trying to say she was right and I was wrong or if she just simply wasn't thinking at all.

Answer 1

Your mother in law crossed the the line. 1st I do not agree with Lindy as the nurse in the hospitals have a lot to do and should not have to play guard dog because an adult woman with no common sense sneaks children into ICU to see there mother in that condition. Did she not have a thought as to her grandchildren worrying if you were going to be OK. I guess not.
Her comment was not funny nor a joke and to me it was not her place to say anything. The problem with some mother in laws is that they don't know when to keep there big mouth shut. I would say nothing for now as she can not control herself and will stick her foot in her mouth real soon. They do this then wonder why there son's cut ties from them.

Answer 2

I think you are right to be upset that she brought your young children into the ICU. This kind of situation can be VERY scary for little ones. If it will make you feel better you could mention to her that you would have preferred that the children waited until you were in a recovery room before they came for a visit. But odds are you wont ever be in this situation again...and you really can't change the past...so you just need to decide how big of a deal you want to make out of this.

However...as far as her comment is concerned, a lot of the time people say absolutely ridiculous things during life-threatening, stressful situations. It's just like people who say "everything happens for a reason" at funerals...they just don't know what else to say. Your mother in law was probably emotional, feeling panicked and maybe even angry at your husband! I would just put it out of your mind, people always say the wrong thing during times of "grief"

Answer 3

I believe your Mother- in- Law truly loves you and is upset that a simple procedure has caused a lot of problems for you. Although it was perhaps not the best time for the children to see you, I'm sure they were very concerned about where their Mommy was (a day or two seems a lifetime to young children). It probably made them feel better to see you, despite the surroundings. They are kids after all and they bounce back and forget the bad things if you let it.
Be thankful you have someone who is truly concerned for your well-being. I'd be more upset if I couldn't see my children for a few days regardless of where I am.

Answer 4

I can see your point of view, it's too bad you hadn't spoke ahead of time about bringing the kids (or not bringing them) to the hospital. It does sound however, like her comments about having her son be the one to have a vasectomy were probably not meant to be insensitive, but a way to say she is sorry this is happening to you.

Because you are family, and must be around each other forever, it's always good to try and calm down, take a deep breath, and try and look at it from another point of view. And then, with your husband there if possible, speak with her about it if it's still bothering you to clear the air. Please don't let something like a difference in personalities or perceptions ruin what could be a wonderful relationship. Good luck, and hope you're feeling better.

Answer 5

as for her comment about BK getting snipped, i can't tell her tone, but it actually seems that she may have been concerned about what you had to go through. perhaps she didn't express it appropriately though.

as for bringing your children in, that was over the line, imo. i'm not sure mentioning it would do any good, though, as i doubt that the situation will repeat itself. but if you feel like you should, by all means. tell her you don't think it was appropriate & if a similar situation ever arises (god forbid!) you don't want her to repeat those particular actions.

Answer 6

You are overreacting. People say the oddest things when they are worried or anxious and her comment clearly meant that she was upset that you were hospitalized. And she's right. If her son had been snipped, you wouldn't be in a life threatening situation! Seems a supportive statement to make to me.

As far as your kids seeing you intubated, don't worry about it. Generally doesn't cause kids any trauma and actually helps because they got to see mama.

Remember, your way isn't the only way people do things and she was likely doing the best she could. Anger is a much easier emotion for people to have than to actually address what emotion they are experiencing because it is painful.

Updating in response to your comment: This is an example of what this woman does. That's his mother. If you expect her to change, then honey, you have a long time to wait. Work it out of your system and move on with your life. Some people live for 'I told you so' moments. My sister does. Nothing I do will ever change it.

I have to deal with folks with Asperger's syndrome who never seem to say socially appropriate comments. You just have to let it go.

Answer 7

I've been married 12yrs and mother-in-laws can butt in for the stupidest things to all the most private things. If it is bothering you have a small chat with her try having your own mother to witness cause she might add things to it and tell her son about it her own way. Even though your kids saw you there nothing traumatizing will happen to them. I'm sure they were happy to have gotten to see you even for a minute.

Answer 8

I think you are over reacting but if it is still bothering you this much you do need to say something to the woman. What to say? Tell her the truth let her know you thought it was inappropriate to have brought the children to the hospital and anything else that has been simmering on your mind. Just start off by saying. I want to talk to you about something. and there you go.

Answer 9

I'm very sorry this happened to you. There is NO way the nurses in the ICU should of allowed your young children in there. If they got that far how can you blame your mother-in-law?

Also it sound as if she is concerned about you as it would of been easier for her son to have a procedure done.

Whey do you say she thinks it is cute and funny to say things like that?

It looks like she was concerned for your children
to see their mother ( did she know you where still intimated?) It looks like she feels bad knowing how much easier it would of been on her son then on you.

I really don't understand why you say she thinks it's funny. If anything is inappropriate it is the nurses letting your children see you.

Answer 10

I think you need to let her know how you feel its not good to hold it in. My mother-in-law and I don't get a long at all and since I had my daughter its twice as bad but I know I feel much better when I tell her how I feel/felt about something that she did/said.