How can I get my father & step mother to respect my wishes for my children & home?

Question

I have a sign on my door to please take off your shoes before entering my home. I have an enclosed porch with a runner that I vacuum & a rug to put your shoes on. They NEVER take their shoes off! I have a baby I put on the floor to play, plus I've recently spent a lot of money have my carpet & furniture professionally cleaned! I also feel as if there is no respect in regards to the way I am raising my 3 1/2 year old and 3 month old. My father actually laughs at me because I research the saftey of products ie... car seats, beds, etc, plus use positive parenting and not using foul language around them or even just words I don't feel are appropriate. He says, me and my siblings turned out just fine, so I must just be over protective. They even went so far to arrange to do something special with him, but would not tell me what until they got here to pick him up. They took him 2 hours away. I feel they did that for fear I wouldn't let him go. There is so much more, that's just some.

Answer 1

You need to step in as a parental role and say "look, this is how I choose to raise my child. If you can't respect that then unfortunately I will have to only allow your visits to be supervised here in the house." And if they have any respect for you and your children/family they will oblige you as I'm sure they want to continue to be great grandparents in their grand childrens lives.

p.s. I think youre a great parent if you research toys and care enough to keep your house clean for them!

Answer 2

You need to lay down the law in your home, and do it now. Your oldest is only 3 - this will go on until he's 33, or as long as they're alive, if you don't stop it now. It won't get any easier to handle.

Have a sit-down talk with them and tell them how you feel. Listen to their input and then, again, tell them your rules. They must understand that if they don't respect them, then they won't be allowed to take your son or visit your home.

Then follow through. The next time they show up and refuse to take off their shoes, get your children and join them on the porch, but do NOT let them in your house (unless the weather is bad, then simply stand there and make them remove their shoes.) You may feel like you're babysitting them, and you are, but hey. They'll get tired of that eventually and start doing it on their own. If they don't, they're being downright rude and spiteful, and you have every right to refuse them entry to your home.

If they try to give you the run-around about taking your son, don't allow them the privilige. You may be a tad over-reactive, but they are being rude and it's not too much to ask that you know exactly where your child is at all times. Anything less would make you an irresponsible parent.

But trust me about stopping it now. It will only get worse, especially when your children are old enough to, say, take advantage of the situation, which they will, at least until they learn who's boss. That should be you.

Answer 3

I am not a parent yet but one day I will be and i fear that day because of my dad. Respect is the last thing on his mind. HOwever this is something i have observed being an aunt of 4 1/2. My father is a much better grandfather then father. As it was the same with my grandfather. YOu have to weigh the pros and cons....you have to decide if what your parents are doing or saying will actually negitively effect your child...Are they good granparents or are they bad? ITs more of the respect thing towards YOU. not really applying to your children. As its not right for your parents not to respect you its also not fair to not allow your kids to see there granparents when its really not hurting THEM any what they are doing. Your dad does have a point you did turn ok so if your children are exposed to something that are perfectly in the way you want things every once in a while its really not going to hurt them. HOwever if it effects there behavior or its a health issue as in abuse or something then yes you need to step in...I jut believe you might want to pick your battles carefully and make sure that you don't end up punishing your KIDS for the way your parents are treating YOU. The shoes off in the house is something i can completely understand and i do believe they should listen however if they don't do it automatically then just remind them...if they dont' listen THEN its time to ask them to leave because it can effect your kids behavior and health wise. As for the other stuff...look at them nicely and say "ok" and go on doing your own thing. People are going to critize especially in families thats a given you just have to pick your battles carefully and make sure you are punishing the right people for the right "crimes".

Answer 4

Good for you for being aware of the safety of your children. It's what any good parent should do!
As far as the shoes off at the door bit, politely ask them to remove their shoes when they come into your home. It is your home, they need to be respectful of your environment. My parents had the same problem with my dad's mom when finally if she refused to take off her shoes she'd get stuck having to wear those nifty little paper covers over them, they bought them in the ugliest colors they could think of - it was quite funny but she finally got the message and started taking off her shoes.
How you raise your children is entirely up to you. Just like how they raise you kids, it was up to them and so it is only natural that you should have certain values that you want enforced around your children. You are the mother now and they need to be understanding and respectful of that. Sit them both down and explain it to them. Be kind and acknowledge their opinion but let them know that this is how you are going to raise your children - end of story. It may also be worth it to make some sort of agreement with them. If they want to take your children somewhere to spend time with them it's fantastic but because they are YOUR kids, you feel that it's important that you know what they are doing and how long they are going to be away.
On the other hand, you also need to perhaps be a little more easy going. I understand that you would be protective of your children but sometimes you have to take that deep breath and say ok, this isn't going to kill them they will be fine. Kids are kids, if they are going to eat dirt it'll either be off your kitchen floor or outside in the garden. Some germs arent' all that bad for your kids, believe it or not in some cases it actually helps build their immune system.
Again, way to be concerned about your kids welfare! I think it's fantastic, there needs to be more parents like you!

Answer 5

You need to really sit with them and tell them that it bothers you that they don't respect your home or your judgment. Tell your father that his laughing at you hurts your feelings. As far as your home goes it's just that YOUR home. My father does not like taking his shoes off either and my sister in law wants it that way. The compromise? My father has a pair of slippers at her house that he wears or he wears the hospital shoe protectors at her house. End of story.

Your parents should not have disrespected you by wanting to take your child out and not telling you what they intended on doing. Now granted you really never can know what they are going to do and you know that they would never harm their grandchild but that does not make their actions correct. It's YOUR child.

They must be told that they need to respect you as they would respect any other adult. Period. Sometimes parents have a hard time seeing their own children as grown.

Answer 6

Tell your father why you want him to take his shoes off and why you do everything that you do. Explain to him that you want the best for your child, and that he should respect your wishes. If your father really understands and cares, he should be respectful. If that doesn't work, you need to have a serious conversation with him. If really necessary, tell him that he can no longer visit your house if he doesn't obey the rules, but only if you really feel that he absolutely will not respect you unless you do. If you can, loosen up maybe a few of your rules and tell your father.

Answer 7

There are people who are just not comfortable without their shoes on (my dad is one). If he has to take off his shoes, he just won't come. Unless this is a dealbreaker, don't insist. Or have your 3 year old say, "Hi, Grampa! We got you some new slippers! Would you put them on?"

Foul language is not okay. Kids pull it out in the most embarrassing places. You don't want them to hear it even once.

You have the right to approve outings BEFORE they get to the house to pick up your son.

You need to tell him that yes, you may be overprotective, but they're your kids.

Don't be ugly with your dad, but stress these items with him. You don't want to ruin the relationship because the children need their grandpa & granny, and you need your dad. But his opinion is not the important one--they're your kids and you'll ask for an opinion when you want one. You need to let him know that it hurts your feelings when he questions how you're raising the kids. Where's your husband in all of this? He could help considerably.

TX Mom
not an expert

Answer 8

Sit down with you mom and dad and tell them that you respect their opinion and you are very grateful for the upbringing that they gave you. Just as you respect them for being your parents and you respect how they raised you, you would like to ask them to respect the way you are bringing up your children and the rules that you have for your house and your kids.

Let them know that if they are unable to respect your wishes with your kids even to the small things like informing you where they are taking your son then they will have to be uninvited to get those special grandma and grandpa times. Make sure they know that you don't think they are bad grandparents, quite the opposite they are awesome, but as their mother and the one that is the one that needs to make the decisions they need to respect your wishes and your rules.

They may not even realize that the shoes are an issue. Have you actually mentioned it straight forward before? If not just ask them to please take off their shoes.

As hard as it may be to set guildlines and bounderies with your parents it needs to be done! You are no longer a child, you are an adult and if it is said with truth and love and no disrespect it is o.k. to speak in such a way with them.

Answer 9

You need to sit them down and explain to them how you feel. That you feel they are being disrespectful, be sincere when you talk to them. Tell them that you have always respected everything they said and did for them and you feel they are crossing a line. To treat you as an adult, same with the children. That you know they are safe with them but that it is important as a parent to know what is going on. Tell them they are special and very important to the children but why only them do they believe to break the rules. Ask if they do it on purpose. That you do not understand. Be polite, but show how you feel. This should work in a positive manner - I wish you the Best.

Answer 10

First, considering the amount of products that are coming out of China with massive amounts of lead, I see nothing wrong with you're researching products on line.
Second, it is YOUR house and YOUR family. You spent alot of money on that floor and carpet, if you want them to take their shoes off, then make them. Don't let them in if they don't.
Thirdly, I would not let my child go anywhere, not even with my own parents, if I did not know where they were going. These are your children not theirs, it is your business how you raise them not theirs. Alot of what you have describes sounds like their just doing it to get under your skin, so don't let them. Tell them straight up that if they cannot respect your wishes that they aren't welcomed. Because your father feels you are being over protective and sees nothing wrong with the way he raised you, you have no idea how is he behaving or what he is saying when you are not around. That could be very confusing for your child. As a child care provider, I can tell you up front the one thing we promote is consistency. Not to mention the stress your family is causing you is something the baby will pick up on. You have two kids, you don't need anymore drama in your life.Buck up and stand up to them.

Answer 11

I can totally relate to parents not respecting your wishes! Honestly, you cannot force someone to respect you, but you can enforce boundaries.

Depending on the type of relationship you have with your parents, I would suggest a very serious conversation. Making fun of your safety research is annoying, and you could say so... but deceiving you into taking your child 2 hours away is absolutely intolerable. You need to tell them that they may not agree with your parenting choices or decisions, but that you have the same right they did to make those choices, and they need to respect your decisions.

As for the shoes, you need to remind them straight out when they come into your home. If they refuse, you have to ask why it is such a big deal to them. Can you provide them with slippers? (Some people have stinky feet and do not like to take off their shoes in public...) Or get some of those surgical paper booties to slip over their shoes.

I wouldn't threaten them immediately, but if they don't respond to your requests, then you may need to restrict their time with your children.

And as for the old "you turned out OK so I must have done something right" line, here's what I actually said to my alcoholic abusive father who tried that line on me: "Well Dad, some children turn out well BECAUSE of their parents, and some turn out well IN SPITE of their parents. You decide which is which." Kinda harsh, but true!