taking my children to a funeral should i?

Question

iv 3 children a close member of our family died who was 16 and i dont no if to take them there age 9, 10 and11my 11 wants to go his dad said yes but no to the other 2 there nan says they should say there good byes what should i do i dont want any more upset for anyone as my children loved who died so much

Answer 1

Children should not be sheltered from death. It is a fact of life. You should instruct them on how to behave at the funeral and expect it out of them. They should go.

Answer 2

Honestly I think it is best sometimes if children do not attend funerals because most times they are not mature enough to handle the emotions a funeral can bring. I would only say if the deceased was a really close friend of the kids, like they played together often (a classmate or close cousin) then yes but talk with your kids before and after to make sure they are okay. As far as this funeral goes, I would say no. The teenager may have been a close family friend but your kids are not close in age so even though the oldest may want to go, I personally would not recommend it. I think the first time I went to a funeral, I was 14 and I was not ready then.

Answer 3

Let me begin by saying, I am truely sorry to hear of your loss.

I think they should go. It's hard to deal with the death of a family member for someone of any age. It can be harder for children, when they reach adolescence, if they didn't get a chance to say their goodbyes during their childhood.

Contrary to popular belief, funerals are not meant to 'honor the dead'. Instead they are meant to give closure to family and friends, and to allow the survivors time to grieve and comfort each other through their grief.

Just because your children may not be old enough to understand everything going on in the world today, doesn't mean they don't feel sadness during this difficult time, and they should be allowed the same opportunity to be with friends and family to comfort others, and to be comforted.

I hope all turns out well for you and your family, and that you and the father can reach some compromise that will allow your children the grieving time they need.

Answer 4

Yes, I believe funerals and the knowledge of death is a very key part in a childs development and maturity, this will make them more aware of the world surrounding them. I as a 16 year old have gone to my first funeral when I was about 10. But when I was 6, my grandfather died but my parents felt I was too young to go. To this day I regret not pleading with them as I would give so much to have attended to his last moments above this earth.

DEFINTELY take them, they might hold a sort of grudge on you deep into their lives if you dont, especially if this person was very dear to them.

Answer 5

when i was small, my mother didnt let us grieve for a pet that died because it was better for her to not see us upset. She absolutely regrets this because we found it hard for years literally to deal with even hearing this dogs name because we didnt go through the grieving process. i know its just a pet but it is a good example of how not being allowed to grieve or see others deal with their grief can affect you in the long run. She wished she had a grave for the dog and a ceremony to show us what happens when life ends and how life moves on. Take them to the funeral, they should learn how people deal with grief and how sad these things are and how its a way to say goodbye. good luck what a great question. hope this helps despite it being a dog story!!! a friend can be a good start if you know what i mean without being horrible, i mean its not immediate family which can be easier for a first funeral.

Answer 6

Personally, if I was in your position, I wouldn't take them, but that's just me. I went to my fair share of funerals when I was young and it has affected me deeply in terms of depression involving mortality. A funeral is a memorable thing and you might not want them to have this as a childhood memory. I've been to a therapist who put it down to my experiences as a youngster. By the time I was 17 I'd attended 5 or 6 funerals of family and friends which was way too much exposure to the circle of life.

I'm sure however, that you're a good mum and that you know your children well, and that you'll make the right decision in the end.

Answer 7

As long as you believe your children will be respectful you should definitely take them. If they need to say goodbye, then a funeral is the time to do it.
If there is a viewing I would take them to that, early. Be one of the very first people there. Quietly say good bye. This will give you the opportunity to scram if the kids can't handle the situation. Some kids act out with things like this with humor or inappropriate behavior. Good luck.

Answer 8

At their ages i would let them go to the funeral especially if they want to go. If you do not let them go they will probably be even more upset at not having any closure, I would consider that at their age they understand what is happening and as upsetting as the funeral will be, it might be worse to deny them the chance to say goodbye properly, especially when they were so close to the person who has died. When my brother died i chose to let my eldest two go to the funeral they were 14 and 9 at the time.

Answer 9

I don't see anything inherently wrong with allowing your children to go to the funeral. I had been to several by the time I was eleven, including one of a friend from school.

I would definately suggest you take your cue from them, though. Your eleven year old wants to go, and that's fine. Let each child know individually that it's okay if they want to go, and it's okay if they don't. It won't be interpreted as not caring, and won't cast them in a negative light, if they just don't feel like they can or they want to go.

I also want to STRONGLY stress the importance of allowing your children to grieve in their own way. When I was in junior high, a very very close family friend died in a car accident at the age of 13. My dad and I chose not to view the body, even though he went to the funeral home for visitation, and I went to the funeral. We wanted to remember her doing things she loved, like playing softball or making up stupid dances to New Kids on the Block (wow, that dates me). My mother and one of my sisters, on the other hand, needed to see the body, because their mental image of her was a much more graphic memory of her AFTER the accident.

My point is, my grandmother really made me feel like an awful friend, without meaning to, because she didn't understand why I didn't want to "pay my respects" by viewing the body. It took a long time for me to realize there's nothing wrong with grieving in my own way.

Talk to them and ask them, without hinting that you feel one way or another, if they would like to go. Let them know it's their individual choice, so if the 11 yr old and the 9 yr old want to go, and the 10 yr old does not, that's his or her choice, and is perfectly fine.

Keep in mind, they don't have to attend the funeral to "say their goodbyes," and they should not feel pressured to do so. Their goodbyes can be said at the cemetary after the burial, in a letter, at the funeral home before the actual funeral, even in prayer or thought. Just because "nan's" way to say goodbye is going to the funeral does not mean the kids feel the same way.

I would also suggest your family sit to the side of the seats, or stand. If at any point the kids need to step out, or if they want to avoid viewing the body at the end (if it's open casket), sitting in a place that is easily escapable will help a lot.

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

Answer 10

Absolutely, you should take them. A funeral or memorial service is appropriate for any child who can sit quietly through the service. It's important for children to learn about death and life and that life goes on. I would not try to shield my children from this stuff. I think that can lead to unhealthy stuff. Talk to them about what happened and be ready to answer a ton of questions. When you don't know the answer, say you don't know but give your best guess and tell them it's your best guess. Ask them what they think. It's never too young to talk about these things. Go and celebrate this person's life and bring your children as a symbol that life does go on even when somebody dies.

Answer 11

At there ages and since it was a close friend I would take them. They are going to have experiences with death at sometime in their life and maybe even though this is a friend it will make it easier (less of a shock) than if it was someone who was a family member(like an grandma). Be prepared for questions and let them know its ok to feel sad and cry becuase they will miss their freind but that death is a natural part of living. Kids know and understand more than we give them credit for.