About The Christian "Men Are The Head of Household" Rule?

Question

I know certain Christians apply Paul literally and believe the men are supposed to assume the leadership role at home and in church and the women are to be submissive.

I can see how it can work if the woman is already a submissive person and prefers her husband to lead and the husband not only prefers the leadership role but is CAPABLE of being a good leader to begin with. But what if the wife is the more capable leader? How does it work in the case where the woman is a natural born leader, assertive, descisive and organized and the man is more laid back? Do they still have to squeeze into that model of Christian family life even if it is not in sync with their comfort level and personaility traits?

I am asking respectfully not as a means to find fault or anything. I am a therapist and married for 25 years. My husband and I work as a partnership. He doesn't get to lead or have the final say just because he has a penis. He defers to me and I to him depending on the situation.

If it an area where I am the one with the stronger abilties, I lead. If it is an area where he is the stronger one, he takes control. If we both are equally strong or have equally valid points of contribution, contention or whatever, then we compromise based on what is the BEST solution for everyone in the family and what will make us both happy.

Personally, I think being a leader is something you need to PROVE first. You have to have certain qualities and some men just do not have them and some women do.

So do they still get to be leaders just because they have a penis?

While I respect the man that is my husband ( I don't think I could have married him unless I did) all additional respect that grew over time in our relationship was because he earned it, not because it was my duty.

Isn't respect earned to some extent?

WHOOPS! Did I give the impression I was Christian. I am not. I am just trying, as a therapist who sees many marriage clients, some of them who are Christian, to understand how the system works in the case that the wife is the natural leader and the husband is not.

Answer 1

Ya know, I guess this works for some people. Personally, I was never attracted to submissive women. My wife certainly is not. We share the load.

My wife and I are Christian. I consider myself liberal while my wife is a few steps to the right of me (centrist, perhaps?).

I like to think our relationship is defined first by love, God is most certainly in there... he's in that love.

Never was a huge fan of Paul, anyway..... :)

Good luck

Answer 2

Marriage was and always should be a partnership in a christian household. There are things however that when both partners disagree upon a subject and it needs to have a clear vote as to who's action should be followed, That is when God has stated that the man should be the one to have the final say. This never has meant that the woman has to follow her husbands every word in fact the wife often has better and more clear understanding of some subjects than the man does. In those cases the woman should invite the spirit of the Lord into the conversation by praying about the subject, if they are both religious, the man will have too, if honest admit that his wife is right. It is in that way the lord has cast the deciding vote with the woman. This however only works when both party's are being honest with each other. Marrage is a uniting of two souls into one and that is a very hard thing to do at times as you already know. God gave the Man the Priesthood and the woman Motherhood. The woman has as much responcibility as the man, but hers is different than the mans. The mans main responcibility is to follow the word of God. ( Oddly enought the woman is the one who often is more spiritual ) However other than the holding of the Priesthood for the Man, and the having babies for the Woman their dutys are almost equal in God eyes. (Now from here I would get into the Preisthood being lost from the earth, and now restored with the duties, and the fact only a few men hold that office which is going into religion, so I won't go there but hope this helps you more understand Gods plan for men and women.

Answer 3

This was really long, and a little hard to follow, as were several of the answers.

First I want to say: Have you ever watched "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"- the mom says " the man may be the head, but the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head any way she wants..."

Secondly, to the respondents: this woman is not asking for herself, she is asking to understand her CLIENTS.

Mostly, though, whichever partner is stronger in a particular area should be in charge, in that particular area... If the man is great at saving money at the grocery store- let him do the shopping; if the woman is a great mechanic, let her fix the car. Roles should not be gender-defined, just as leadership should not be gender-defined.

I was raised in a strict Christian household where my parents were completely equal. I married (and later divorced) a man who thought that the only precept in the Christian bible he had to follow was the one where the man is in charge. Just because a man is Christian does not mean he is qualified to lead a household. Likewise, just because a woman is Christian does not mean she should be required to submit to any man. This theology screams "Victim".

In fact, for those of you who do not understand the finer points some of these respondents have exhibited, I am appalled that you would choose a god that demands stupidity and ignorance in everyday life.

Personally, like the questioner, I have chosen to follow an empowering religion in which women are respected and equal and neither male nor female is considered the "head of the household".

Answer 4

If you need to "prove" that you are a leader, then doesn't that naturally lead to competition, rather than cooperation? It seems to me that unhealthy competition leads to arguments, which can dampen the relationship and perhaps ruin the marriage.

To be honest, any adult can probably lead a family or an organization, and be reasonably competent at it. If a certain person does not naturally have the personality traits of a leader, then that person can always grow into the position by learning leadership traits, and growth can be good for that person.

I think that the reason that God choose the man to be the head of the household was simply to avoid any competition or arguments between the sexes about who was the most competent. God may have been a bit arbitrary here, but how else do you get to decide who leads? An arm wrestling match? How many men (or women) would be honest enough to say that their spouse was better at leadership than them, and voluntarily allow the other person to lead, unless they were just trying to avoid another fight? Most people would probably naturally assume that they were more competent than their spouse simply because of human ego, and would never give in.

If you don't believe me, look at the modern divorce rate, and compare it to what it used to be. Granted, the increase in divorce can probably be attributed to many factors, but certainly many modern marriages fall apart because of sheer human pride, and a desire for competition.

By the way, being a leader doesn't always mean that the leader does everything better than others. A good leader knows when to delegate authority, and when to defer to the wisdom of an advisor (like his wife) who might be more of an expert in a certain area. The leader is simply the person who has the final say in case of a dispute, and the leader is the one who takes responsibility for the outcome (since he had the final say).

===edit===
“While I respect the man that is my husband ( I don't think I could have married him unless I did) all additional respect that grew over time in our relationship was because he earned it, not because it was my duty. Isn't respect earned to some extent?”

Hum, this raises the question would a Christian woman, or any woman, respect (or marry) a man who could not lead in the first place? Kind of a chicken and egg type argument. If he was a total idiot, she wouldn’t have married to begin with (Unless she too is an idiot - which means that she is not qualified to lead, either.).

But to answer your question directly, the Christian Bible teaches that every person who has obtained some type of leadership position is owed some type of loyalty and respect simply because he would not have become a leader without God’s permission; it would be a sin for me to curse Bill Clinton or George Bush, or to stop obeying the law, just because I don’t like either of them personally. There are exceptions for a leader who is trying to commit some obvious immorality or evil (Acts 4:19), or someone who is endangering your life (1 Samuel 19:11-13), but in general it is wrong to disrespect a leader simply because you have a difference of opinion, or you just don’t like him (1 Samuel 24:1-22).
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Those who were standing near Paul said, "You dare to insult God's high priest?"

Paul replied, "Brothers, I did not realize that he was the high priest; for it is written: 'Do not speak evil about the ruler of your people.'"
~Acts 23:4-5 (NIV)

Answer 5

You think that submission means being subdued. First the woman is to submit to the man only if the man is submitted to Jesus.

Second, a women can be submitted to man and still be the pastor or teacher. Most women are natural born leaders and are more spiritual then men, I believe.

Paul "rule" wasn't for a man to dominate over a woman. That is not what is meant by submission. Most decisions should be made together, however, sometimes a mutual decision cannot be made.

This is when God says the man(in right standing with God) is to make a final decision and the wife should submit to the husbands authority he has in the house. I have found that it actually happens far less then expected. Especially when both pray about it and get God's input on that decision.

And true Christians should believe women capable of ministry. Just look at Joyce Meyers, Paula White or Beth Moore. In fact the first person to preach the good news of the resurrection was a woman.

I hope this helps you with your question. I also hope this doesn't come out sounding like the "so called" Christians who leave hateful or rude answers. Sometimes I believe people claim they are Chrisians on this site just to leave hateful remarks and make all of us look stupid or mean.

After all, we should love everybody just as Christ did. He gave up His life so tha YOU can be set free. Should Christians strive for anything less than that.

God Bless, and I will pray for your salvation even if you do not think you need it.

Answer 6

I think the way you are doing things is mostly fine. Marriage is a partnership, but having the man as the head of the household is the way God intended it. I think a woman who naturally has leadership skills and is assertive needs to be careful to not take that position from the man. We are created with that need to feel respected, just as a woman has the desire to be loved. If a man feels respected, it is easier for him to show love and when she feels loved, it is easier to give respect. It is a self sustaining circle. A man's personality may not initially be to take a leadership position, and it may be comfortable for him to sit back, but ultimately it is not the way we were created to be, and it is not the healthiest for him. Just as sitting his butt and watching TV all day may be comfortable, but not necessarily the healthiest thing to do. He may need some loving reminders that he is the head of the household, and his opinion and leadership is desired. An avoidance of this responsibility may show an underlying fear, or even laziness that needs to be addressed. Paul was inspired to write those words. He spoke the truth. Men were created to be the leader in the home. Our culture says something different. What we must make sure, is that the truth of the Bible is not compromised by our cultural norms.

Answer 7

The Christian model comes from a long history of patriarchal society. Women are to submit to their husbands, yes, it says that, but it also says that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. It also says slaves are to love their masters. That's not an endorsement of slavery. Paul also went on to say it was better not to marry, but we were called to be "fruitful and multiply."

Instead of seeing an apparent contradiction, I think you have to use the whole picture, the work as a whole, to understand what the verse means.

Unfortunately, picking and choosing which verses we like, ignoring the ones that don't fit with our interpretations, and which sins we abhor is a shameful tradition in the Christian church.

One would think a Christian, knowing this particular scripture...would select a spouse accordingly. It isn't a recipe for fixing a relationship...at least I don't think so. It opened my mind about picking a spouse more carefully...the second time around, at least.

Answer 8

Exactly...I could never let a man be the lead just because he has an extra piece of flesh. Me and my fiance are together as partners...not him as a lead and me submissive. We have different traits, and as such roles go back and forth. We take turns leading. Any couple that says the man has one place and the woman another-- that is wrong, sexist, and they better pray that they have good luck with it.

EDIT: I feel sorry for Wowee's wife up there...dude, I am stronger than a lot of men. And what about the Israeli fighter piolets? They are ALL women because their government realized that women had what it took and the men did not. They have never lost a single plane...and what about the US Air Force? How many men do we lose up there?

Look at the answers-- Christian men think that it's fine because they're the leads. I wonder how they'd feel if their leaders suddenly decided that women were the leads and the Bible had been mistranslated?

Also-- we only have gender roles at all because of sexist men. If not for them-- we would be seen as equals. It's that simple. There are only gender roles when someone makes them. Otherwise, there are 0 gender roles.

Answer 9

No no no no no, you've got it all wrong, go back further to see how Paul came about his way of thinking. Go back to Proverbs 31, the Wife of Noble Character.

A wife such as this is one that the husband has full confidence in, you can see from these verses that she is the one who runs the home, has her own business, her own vineyards. He trusts her with all that is a part of their "family life".

After seeing such a writing, how could Paul conclude anything but what he did? That we have to work together to make a good life, submitting to each other. But ultimately, it is the mans responsibility to lead the spiritual life of his family. It's his privilege and his fault if it fails.

You say you work together as a partnership, so you tell me ... does he agree with this partnership because he has full confidence in you or because you bullied him into it?

Yeah, you sounded like the full confidence kinda person. If this is what works for you, if your husband is smart enough to realize that your opinion is important and worthy of consideration, then you have a great thing going, don't change a thing! That is in fact the way marriage is intended. The two of you become one and work together as a team for the rest of your life.

Answer 10

I know it seems logical to think the way you have said but God had a plan in mind that works. Men and women were created absolutely equal - one is not lesser than the other. The trintiy of the Bible is the same way. All three parts are equal but each have distint roles to play. They work in perfect harmony because they each do their designated part. In marriage we have come to such chaos because the roles have been so blurred. God is an all wise God of order and design and he made us to function in the way that would make us the most fulfilled. When it is done according to His plan by both husband and wife - it really WORKS! Women are not lesser in any way - just created to be women and not men.