HOw can i get my six year old to listen?

Question

It seems as though my daughter is not listening anymore.
If you ask her to do something, she will ignore you.
If you tell her to stop she won't.
If you ask her a question she will ignore you.

Like i have told her not to pick up her baby sister and everytime no one is looking she is. Even though I explain to her she is going to get hurt if she gets dropped but apparently it doesn't matter to her.

I ask her to brush her hair or get dressed and she doesn't she will just stand there and look at u or go do something else.

I feel like I have to yell at her to get her to do anything.

THen she says why are you yelling at me and I tell her I asked her five times do something and she doens't listen. I say if you would just listen I wouldn't have to yell. It seems like that is the only way to get her attention.

I have tried other things. LIke takin things away. I tried a chart that you put stickers on and get a prize. But it isn't helping.

I assure you that my child is not calling for attention...she gets enough. I am with her 24 7 and we do lots of things together. Everyday.

She does get time with her sister, but it is the point that i tell her to leave her alone and she will do it again.

I do tell her. I say go brush you teeth and she will ignore me. Or just stare off. Or go in her room and play. Until i have to stand there and make her brush her teeth.

Answer 1

What is likely happening is your daughter is indeed listening to you, but she is watching and waiting to see if what you say is what you mean. Some children are "testers" more than others. At one end of the spectrum you have children who are told to do something and usually do so immediately or at worse need a reminder or 2. At the other end of the spectrum, you have children who will defy you every step of the way just to make sure you mean business. Most kids fall somewhere along this spectrum line and will fluctuate between compliant and defiant. In my 28 years experience of being mom to 4 kids and 20 years experience of providing child care in my home as well as having a degree in early elementary education, most defiant kids are begging for the adults in their life to set parameters for them. They are feeling out of control and need someone to take charge. Of course, they are not able to verbalize this need so it often comes out in behavioral problems. It takes some practice and there will be many mistakes along the way, but you can make this situation better. As an example: You are busy with the baby but need your daughter to get dressed. Say your daughter's name. Do not give your directive until she has acknowledged that she heard you by saying "yes" or is looking at you. When she is paying attention, say, "Please go get dressed now." Never add the words "OK?" to a directive. Anytime you add this seemingly simple ending to a sentence you have opened the matter up for disussion and possible refusal. If your daughter just stands and looks at you or does something else even though you know she heard you, don't let that go. She is being defiant and needs to know you mean business. Go to her, (if possible, put the baby down), be as physically close to her as possible, face to face works well so get down on her level. Again, speak her name until she is paying attention. Take her hands in yours if needed to stop her from playing, turn off the tv if she is watching a show, ask her if she heard what you said. If she says she did, ask her to repeat it. Then, repeat, "Go get dressed now." Take her by the arm if she does not head to her room immediately and escort her if needed. If she fights, keep firmly ahold of her arm. It is very difficult and you will lose your temper with her sometimes, but try not to yell. This may be a matter of a battle of wills or it may be a matter of testing the waters. Because you have previously told her something as many as 5 times before getting serious, you have taught her how long your fuse is. Your fuse needs to become shorter. Along with that, though, you also have to work hard at tempering your reaction to her defiance. The development of reasoning skills takes a lot longer than most parents realize. A sentence such as, "if you would just listen I wouldn't have to yell" makes perfect sense to an adult, but a 6 year old does not think in this way. She truly does not know why you are yelling at her, especially if you have previously waited until asking her until the 5th time to yell, but later you yell at her on only the 3rd time. The goal is consistency. Ask once, repeat if necessary, but make it happen before resorting to yelling or asking multiple times. Of course, you can set your own limitations. I personally like the ask once and one reminder before pulling out the big guns, but you may be more comfortable with reminding more often. Even though you say you spend 24/7 with her, she now has to share you with a baby sister who is little and cute, and demands a lot of your attention. Watch carefully that your interaction with your older daughter retains some special time just the 2 of you. Even though you are with her does not mean she feels you are paying attention to her. Stickers on a chart really does only work for a handful of kids and requires a great deal of time and energy on the part of the parent monitoring this reward system. I highly recommend giving ask once, give one reminder, then make it happen system a try. Modify it to fit your own personal parenting style, but aim for consistency.

Answer 2

Tell her what to do, don't ask her. If you ask her, you are giving her the option of saying no.

Tell her to start doing something else, not to stop doing whatever. She needs to know what she's supposed to do. Again, don't ask her...tell her. You are the parent.

With the questions - maybe she just doesn't feel like talking?

With the sister - it sounds like you need to provide her with more time where she is allowed to hold her sister (with you around). Then she won't want to do it unsupervised.

Brushing hair/getting dressed....what do you do when she goes and does something else? That is rude and disrespectful. If she did that in my house - it wouldn't be long before there would not be anything she could go and do!

She's too old for stickers -- she just needs positive direction and praise and for goodness sakes stop yelling. Spend some time with her...kids who hold out for yelling are sometimes begging for attention and if that's how they can get it they do.

*ADD ON - sorry if you think I was being rude or whatever. In your original post, you say "I ask her to brush her hair...", but now you say you "tell her". I wouldn't have posted all that if the original post had said you tlel her....asking and telling are very different.

Another idea I have then....Maybe she's just testing her independance. How about when you tell her to brush her teeth, you stand in her doorway so she can't get in? Or even better, give her choices....either brush your teeth or your hair...then she picks one. She's 6 - doesn't she go to school? She should be in kindergarten (unless you don't live in the US). How does she act elsewhere?

Answer 3

The main thing is not to yell. That is subjective parenting. You must follow through with punishment. Many parents try to negotiate with their children and that is not parenting. So without knowing a thing about you or your child I am just going to guess that you need discipline your child for disrespect.

Answer 4

My six year old son is doing the same thing. I plan a really cool trip like to the park, or fishing, then hold it over him all week and tell him if he doesn't do it he can't go. Or turn the TV off and take away the remote until it is finished.
Last resort tan that behind, works like a charm!

Answer 5

Yes, and an Ontario born 6 year old versus a adult Newfie

Answer 6

Partly thats just kids for you but one thing that may help is when you are going to tell her something get close to her and looking directly at her gently use your hand to take her chin and tilt it/ turn until she is looking directly at you (wait until her eyes are on you not just facing you) and then tell her what it is you want. At least that way she cant say she didnt here you and you are talking to her and not at her. We sometimes have to do this and I got this trick from a behavioral specialist. It does help but at this age its kind of a common problem. LOL wait till they're teens lord help us then lol

Answer 7

Just ask yourself...."How would my grandmother take care of this problem?"

Think about this statement in regard to the huge responsibility as a parent:

If you don't discipline her, Society will.