Dating a father of two, need help reconnecting with him.?

Question

Ive been dating the wondeful guy for almost two years & we now live together as of a year ago.. He & his wife have been seperated for 5 years. they have two kids together... in the past two months, the Mother was found to be an unfit mother, and there father now has full custody of his two girls 9 &10.. I now find myself in an instant family.. the kids occupy most of his time, and his affection towards me is less because of the lack of time... I know it sounds selfish.. but how do I cope with this? and how do I develope a relationship with his girls and him? what can I do, to insure that he and I keep a strong relationship even though we have a full house now? I feel left out... Anyone else going through this?

Answer 1

first off, you are a mom, now, so your feelings don't count.

i know that sounds harsh, but right now, you and he have bigger fish to fry....i.e. raising his daughters.

so, step one....ADAPT!!!! you're life was one way, with just you and him, but now...it's plus 2 girls and that means you must adapt to the situation. DO NOT expect them to adapt to you. that's not fair. they have been through alot, it sounds like, and you're the adult. you should adapt to the new family dynamics going on.

how to reconnect with him....plan something for after they go to bed. rent a movie and open a bottle of wine and tell him that he's yours after bedtime...do this on a friday or saturday night when you don't have to work in the morning.
-simply tell him that you're feeling distant from the "group" and you'd like his help in connecting with his daughters and reconnecting with him.
-maybe there is a grandparent around who would love to have them for a night?? or even a slumber party that they have to go to?? basically, a night that you and dad can have a date! talk to him about it...try to make a plan, but DO NOT get pouty if it doesn't work out....THAT"S LIFE WITH KIDS!!! :)
-BE ACTIVE in the family. like i said...don't sit there like a bump on the log and think everyone should come to you. that's childish and selfish. it will take TIME...so don't just try and then give up. this will take time and patience and it's ok if it gets to you....but don't let it make you quit on them.

-get up early on sunday and make everyone a big pancake breakfast.
-take the girls on a girls only shopping/lunch date. have they been back to school shopping yet?
-how about a manicure party??/ get your nail stuff together and sit around the kitchen painting toes and hands!
-take the girls to the movies.

any time you spend with the girls alone will do a few things:
-enforce your role as a "mom" to them...not just "dad's gf".
-give dad some needed "guy time"
-give the girls a chance to realize that they have a great female figure in their life.
-give yourself some fun "girl time" with your new best friends!

-also, offer to help pick them up here or drop them off there. do they do stuff like dance, gymnastics, swimming, little league??? if so, get involved in that!

i hope this helps a bit. being a parent is hard and when they aren't your kids, well, that makes it harder. now, is the time to decide how much you love your guy. do you love him enough to help him raise his kids??? if not, then you owe it to them to get out now. if you love him enough to be in this family with him, then get happy and get into being a FAMILY with them. maybe you are isolating yourself waiting for an engraved invitation??? that invite ain't coming honey...this is one situation that you have to invite yourself to and MAKE things happen!

take care:)

Answer 2

Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about how you can make their lives better. When you stop being SELF-centered, and do for others, you will find that others will be more open to you. At a time like this, it shouldn't be about what you get from him, but what you can give to him to help him with this transition.

I'm not saying be a doormat - you mustn't let others walk all over you. But if you will do the things that will make their transition easier, then things will improve.

You knew he had children before you married him... so understand that they are his priority - and they should be.

They need time to settle in and establish their relationship anew - and you can help the most by helping your husband with that in any way he needs. Don't force yourself on the girls... they probably resent the fact right now that they've lost their mom (even if she was unfit). Just be patient.

Answer 3

First off you should have never moved in with him all he wants is someone to take care of his kids!!! Second when you moved in he was NOT divorced he should have deal with that first & than moved on to a realationship with you. The girls at 9 & 10 mostlikely already have bad feelings toward you that is normal you took thier Mothers place. It will take time but if you have been together for 5 years that should have been worked out by now. I would move on to someone sles that doesn't have kids and has time for ONLY me let him find another live in babysitter. Also I don't believe that his time with the kids should take time after from you something isn't right......Move on and get happy

Answer 4

Your not being selfish, just entering a new reality. If you can't deal with the kids, it's time to get out. The kids always will come first, unless he is a lousy father. You can't replace their mother, or even out-do her.I think you like this guy and should give it time. Good families have a way of molding together after everyone finds their space.Also they will be teens in a couple of years, then just DUCK !

Answer 5

If you have been living with the Dad for a year, then you already should know the girls. I would sit and talk with Dad and find out what role he wants you to take in the care of the girls. If you want to be have a relationship with the girls then you must take the time to develope one. You need to help them get settled in. If you where one of these girls, how would you like your father'e girlfriend to treat you? You need to be honest in your affection toward these girls, believe me they will know if your a fake. Most kids will love their parents no matter how bad they where treated because that's all they ever had, but as time goes by and they find out what good care really is they will rethink their life. Give them time to really get to know you, but remember this is a really bad time for them. The Dad will have to be given time to adjust to the role of being a full time dad. Just be there and give him support, he will love you for it.

Answer 6

You should ALL spend time TOGETHER as a family. Don't leave anyone out. That will cause problems, like what you've stated above. If you try and be with the father all of the time the girls might feel the same way you do and the problem will remain.

Answer 7

just talk to him and give it time..soon enough you will see that the girls will warm up to you and pretty soon you guys are going to bond...try taking the girls out shopping or all of you getting your nails done together..then try to make some time at night together with him when the girls are sleeping or send the girls on an over night sleep over maybe you can get with another parent and take turns one weekend they have them then you can get there kids the next..best of luck though

Answer 8

You knew he had children when you developed a relationship with him...Learn to be a friend and example to the girls..they are probably as unprepared as you are...Do things together, they are not your enemy..Bake cookies, go to the park..spend time together and be a good example...for your man...plan a "Date Night" on a regular base so you can be together and reconnect...Good Luck....Bless

Answer 9

yeah i no what ur talkin about,just be completely tolerant with his children(which im sure u already are) and tell him that u seem to be spending less time together im sure he will undersand. plan an outing,you, him, the girls. im sure they'll love the idea! it will make it seem more like u want to be involved with them too, because if u plan outings with just their dad,they'll think ur trying to take him away. good luck!

Answer 10

Just relax hun and let them get used to you also. Do not push this now it will get better, think of the changes everyone else is going through also.