Parents of Homeschooling Teens: Can you help with ideas about developing independence?

Question

What types of things do your 14 - 15 year olds do to get out into the world without you? Apart from homeschool theatre and homeschool history classes and getting together with friends at 'park day,' my son's counselor has been giving us the feedback that our son needs to get out of the house more and get involved in developing independence and his own life. (Interestingly, my mom has been saying this, too.)

Do your kids do internships, jobs, volunteer work? Do you drop them off in the city and let them tour on their own? Have they joined non-homeschool groups that cater to their interests?

The counselor wants our son to get on the subway in the morning, go in to the city, and see what he can find. This seems very strange indeed to me. I think there has to be some structure, some point (except outings for fun with friends) and so I'm not interested in dropping him off at the subway and saying , "See you in 8 hours." It doesn't seem appropriate for 14. What would be?

Ideas specific to the Northern Virginia/Washington DC area for 14.5 year olds would be most appreciated.
Thanks.

I'd love to hear from teens, too.

Buddy, I think you're right on. He needs to know he can create his life, not just choose from the opportunities I learn about and tell him about!

He does have friends, they are hugely important to him - they gather a few times a week in person, for hours, and IM daily. It's clear how vital they are to one another.

Buddy, he's been researching social action law firms and organizations for a day now; I think he's on his way to a few good volunteer gigs.

I think I get what the counselor said and I think I was overinterpreting her words.

He has many responsibilities in terms of chores and meeting his obligations to his theater group and music lessons.

Nothing church related will do for us. We're not that type of homeschooler.

Answer 1

I don't think so. I wouldn't turn a kid loose in the city for anything. Get him involved with volunteering, part time jobs, local SPCA ,support clubs. Send him out in the neighborhood. Have him do the shopping, pay bills, deliver papers. That is the real world. Sending a young teenager on the subway to explore the city is just looking for trouble and I am shocked that a councilor would suggest that. Unless she thinks he needs to know where the pushers, pimps, and prostitutes hang out. That is the real world too, but maybe he does not really need that information.

Answer 2

My kids are 12 and 13 and we are thinking along these lines also - how to develop independence. This summer they went to 3 camps, although one was quite far away so I went with them and the church group, as a counselor. They do various church activities w/o me there, and go to friends' houses. In the older one I am seeing a need for 'more,' so we are letting her do more and for my peace of mind we got her a cell phone. We live in a tiny lil town with NOTHING, I mean NOTHING, to do. If there WERE non-homeschool groups that catered to their interests, they would be allowed to join, but there is nothing like that here. They will both get jobs when they turn 16. With your location, surely you can find something your son is interested in that you can enroll him in, but...this needs to be your decision. If the people telling you he needs more independence are like-minded, then observe their advice, but if they are not, then of course do not put as much weight on what they say. You love your son the most and have the most to lose if something happens to him.

I would NOT let a 14 yo go into the city for the day on his own. I don't know why the counselor would have suggested that. And I don't just mean because your son is homeschooled - that just doesn't seem safe for ANY young teen.

Answer 3

Figure out why you want this, what your long-term goal is. Focus on making it as specific as possible and seeing the steps you need to take to get there. Each morning, before you get started, take a couple of minutes to think about your goals, about where you want to be, what you want to get done in the long-term and short-term. You might also try to hook up with other high school homeschoolers to have someone to 'work with'. It can help a lot when you tell somebody your plan for the day and have to get back to them later on about whether you've done it or not. And because they'd be high schoolers, you'd be able to share what you've done and they'll know what you're talking about! Basically, find, or create, yourself a support system. One thing to consider, though, is that this time of year seems to be slower and people are more tired and motivation is low. I've been hearing a lot about homeschoolers heading toward burnout this year, moreso than any other year. If you think you are burning out, take a week or two off to just take care of yourself: eat good food, get some exercise, get plenty of sleep. You could even take some time to figure out what's important to you and flesh out your goals a little more clearly.

Answer 4

I would suggest getting a second opinion. Assuming that your son choose all of the activities you've described for himself, he is well on his way to independence. The type of independence that the counselor seems to be talking about involves the new idea that teenagers should "hang out" just to get away from their parents.

This is a new concept and it's all wrong. While kids should have the opportunity to do constructive activities, seperate from their parents, such as volunteering, sports teams, art classes, summer camps, etc., these things do not teach independence. They are tests of independence.

True independence is taught, by adults, and usually those adults are the child's parents. Teaching your child how to manage finances, how to take public transportation, how to shop on a budget, and how to do write a resume and do a job interview are all lessons in independence. These lessons are tested when they go out into the world to test those skills. This is what leads to true independence.

"Hanging out" at the mall or a city without a specific purpose results in boredom, which invites trouble. When kids are bored they are more tempted to do things that can get them into trouble. This is how activities such as tagging and experimenting with drugs tend to happen.

Going to a movie or an improptu game of football with friends are legitimate activities. Loitering at the food court in the mall is not.

Answer 5

Buddy, I think that's a gross generalization of homeschooling, as well, what you've described is nothing different from public schools.
We unschool, and I think naturally that has a lot more freedom for learning and developing even than homeschooling. My son is only twelve, but he's really his own person, and is developing his own beliefs and values. In fact, he's a lot more conservative than I am.
Anyway, on to the question, I think 14 is really young to have complete freedom of the city, but definitely he should have a say in what he does and when he does it. As parent's, it's our job to facilitate their learning in a manner that suites them.
We live in a college town, not a big city, but a large town maybe. Poor public transportation, nearly all is around the university. DS has a few things I drive him to, the library and a band that is too far for walking, he volunteers at the library in the kids section, shelving books and cleaning up the toys. Band he plays trumpet.
He moderates an online forum for technophiles.
He does walk about a quarter mile to the nearest shopping center and hangs out there with friends or alone. He spends a lot of time talking to the workers in his favorite shops, which will probably lead to a job when he's a few years older.
We are members of several homeschooling groups, that have teen days, playing games, hiking, laser quest, paintball, etc. He's in scouts, and does a lot with his patrol, camping often, service projects, etc.

I don't think dropping him off would be appropriate. I think what would be more appropriate is to spend some time discussing interests, finding out what's important to him. Read 'The Teenage Liberation Handbook'. You go with him a few times to discover new groups, new places, etc, and after prep talk about safety, reminders about money and time, then let him go. Slowly pull back, like start off going with him, then just take the subway and split up when you get to the stop, and ride back together. Then when you feel that trust building, then you can say, see ya later, and let him go. Trust your mother instincts, they are there for a reason!! If he hasn't had the prep for this, it's not kind to send him out unprepared.

Also ask HIM what he wants. I talk about respect, and then spend a whole post not recommending respect. Does HE feel ready to get out alone? And what does he like? Don't pick things based on educational value or cultural importance, let it be what he LIKES. Good luck.

Answer 6

I agree that 14 is too young to drop off alone in a big city unsupervised. Now, maybe going to a City and splitting up for an hour or two and then meeting back at a designated spot at a specific time would be okay. If you do what the counselor said then at least make sure he has a cell phone on him.

Okay, here are other ideas:

Camp. There are camps for youth at many churches, in addition there are other camps that are not affiliated with religion but are associated with interests, such as science, horsemanship, politics, etc.

Volunteer Work: Even though a person can legally get a paid job at 14, it can be difficult to find someone to hire such a young person. There are many opportunities for volunteering though. Try local animal shelters, nursing homes, or whatever cause your son cares about.

Scouting: Many teens stay active in scouts, which gives them time with other kids and can even lead to leadership positions.

Near Washington DC there are probably opportunities to work on political campaigns and other similar activities. Encourage your son to research and choose which one he agrees with the most, then do some volunteering for it. (Be encouraging even he picks the one you don't like!)

Just a word of advice, while time away is good, time with the family is also good. There is a tendency in America to look at our culture and see anything that doesn't conform as abnormal, but if you go into some other parts of the word you find a much more family oriented society, where teens spend limited time doing meaningless activities with friends, and spend a lot of time working constructively on the family business. Just because most teens in America spend long hours hanging out doing nothing, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with a child who doesn't. Let your son develop his independence while doing worthwhile things, like classes at community centers, volunteer work, or employment. Its fine to let him "hang out" with friends too, but you don't have to push him to if he isn't interested.

My daughter is 14, I have decided that she needs more opportunities outside of the home. So I have signed her up a teen homeschool group, and will soon be looking into her taking individual classes at a local private school. When she is in 11th grade she will take community college classes for dual credit.

She also volunteers at the Humane Society, but I have to go with her because they don't let anyone under 16 volunteer alone. They recognize that 14 year olds have just barely become teenagers and are not old enough to be treated like adults. Too bad your counselor doesn't recognize that.

You mentioned homeschool theater, if it is important to you to get him involved in some activities outside the homeschool community, why not try community theater? Also community music groups.

Answer 7

Yeah 14 is young to just be dropped off somewhere for a day of exploring. What are his interests??? Find out what he's interested in and go with it. My son is so into sports it keeps me going constantly. My daughter we call our little hippie because she's 10 and is very into recycling, being a vegetarian, and gardening. There are things out there... you just have to search. My kids are in 4H, sports, and they have both volunteered time at a food bank (which would be a safe place to leave a 14 year old), We don't belong to a homeschool group and they are plenty socialized and into their own lives. Why homeschool theatre? Try a drama club of some sort if he likes that sort of thing. Good luck to you and your son

Answer 8

Perhaps something like the SCA would appeal. Even if your whole family goes along, the kids will still wander off and do their own thing. In many areas, there are special kids activities prepared. 14 year olds still need supervision, but obviously don't need to be sitting right next to you all the time. It's also quite useful education-wise. "Doing" history instead of just learning about it.
Your local group is, I think, http://storvik.atlantia.sca.org/
Otherwise, your local "kingdom" is http://www.atlantia.sca.org/ go there and you'll be able to search around.
If he's old enough to get a job, he should certainly do that. If not, some volunteer work would help him mature.

Answer 9

im 16 years old and im in an independent study program which is somewhat similar to homeschooling. I have a job and go to two classes a week so im not really lacking in that area,but ive been in this position so ill say what i can. I do agree with u and think that 14 yrs old in the city alone is wayy to young..i dont think my parents would let me do that at 18!lol. Anyways maybe let him and his friends go to the mall by themselves or the movies or something. Also getting a job is not a bad idea either it will teach him a lot of independence.Just let him be a teen and have fun, but dont let him stay at home all week.good luck.

Answer 10

Independence should only come with responsibility. Before you give him more independence he needs to be faithful in the responsibilities you have given him. Failure to meet current responsibilities is a sure sign he's not ready for more independence.

There are many other ways to develop independence that dropping a kid off in the middle of a city alone (it sounds irresponsible for a counselor to even suggest that). Can he get involved in a church youth group? Volunteer work is definitely a good option.