R&S friends, can you check this out for me?

Question

I posted it in Poetry also, but because of its subject matter, I want to share it with you guys too. Is the meaning unclear? It needs a good amount of revision still. Thanks...

When she died, I waited for you.
At her funeral, we waited together
her in her black shiny coffin
and me in my rickety white chair.
The pastor seemed to be expecting you
so even when we sunk her into the earth,
I waited for you.

It has been eight months.
Anger packed its bags yesterday
and slipped away into the clarity of night.
I keep my biggest epiphany
hidden in a dusty old jar
in a cupboard, in the dark.
Today is the day I've been saving it for.

Answer 1

wow...a lot of feeling in that poem.

there really isn't a whole lot to do to it. you might want to consider changing when to after in the sixth line...but if you like when it isn't a hindrance to the poem.

good job.

Answer 2

Linz,
WOW! I see a couple of things here within this text. I see a reference point of my own experience that you knew nothing about; however, the "in my face" thing that I "feel" as I read it is one of disconnect, one that is slightly emotionally charged.

Some baggage takes a long time to board the plane for the destination flight of "it's over - lets move on". I hope that the epiphany is one point in final edition that is included for us to read.

Thanks Linz! For this YOU get a star!

Best to you!

Gerry :))

Answer 3

hey, quite touching. you could almost say its been written with body and soul! very good. look forward to the final work.

Answer 4

i love your imagry and the flow of your words. in other words, i am impressed.

Answer 5

not bad......... at the end I was looking for more, to explain...... repost when you get done..... I would like to read it..... go in peace....... God bless

Answer 6

well done you rock

Answer 7

that's a lovely poem, thanks for sharing it