I got a call this afternoon from my daughter's school saying that my daughters best friend passed away this morning and that the school is asking the parents to tell their children about this and there will be counslors at the school just in case the children need to talk tomorrow. The school told me they were not sure how the little boy died. I sat my daughter down and explained to her what had happend and let her cry and talk about the little boy. Just a little bit ago we were watching the news and a picture of the little boy was shown on the screen and my daughter got very excited but then the news anchor said that the boy was murdered by his stepfather..they gave up no warning that this story was coming on and we weren't able to change the channel before she heard it. She got very very upset again (understandly so), she keeps asking me why his dad killed her best friend. I don't know how to answer this, when I don't know the answer myself. Please help...
2007-08-29 12:01:16 · 36 answers · asked by Angela F 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Grade-Schooler
We have talked to her several times about all the are bad people in the world, but talking about it and having it actually happen at such a young age are two different things.
2007-08-29 12:09:37 · update #1
Tell her the truth, some people do bad things.
2007-08-29 12:05:37 · answer #1 · answered by Duke 4 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Well, this is not going to be easy. It sounds like you've done all the right things. She will probably ask questions about it over and over again. Let her keep talking about it. I would also let her pediatrician know, and ask what sort of behaviors might be signals of needing some therapy.
Now for the school. BEFORE you send her back, I would make sure that you talk with either the school psychologist or social worker, the principal and her teacher--either together or separately. Find out what they are going to say to the kids, every detail of their plan. You do not want your daughter getting retraumatized by being told something false but well-meaning, or any other number of poor ways of handling it (including no planning at all). Your daughter requires close monitoring and your diligent advocacy right now. Be calm and respectful with the administration, expressing confidence in their ability to help the children through it, but be very clear that you hold them accountable for the fact that your daughter has been told an age-appropriate version of the truth (which sadly was pretty unvarnished), and that you do not want that contradicted in any way, even if some children have not been told the truth, and their parents insist that they do not be.
Watch your daughter for physical symptoms, nightmares, other fears, an unusual number of behavioral outbursts, and report any to your pediatrician within this context.
2007-08-29 12:36:41 · answer #2 · answered by Singinganddancing 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you should use the schools counselors to help your daughter understand this 6 is very young. Yes bad things happen but that is a very hard answer for a 6 yr old. I cannot imagine my kids going through that, they would definitely need more help than just bad things happen. They are trained in how to help her cope. Just keep reminding her how wonderful it was that she was his friend and that he is not hurting now and that the step dad will be going jail for what he did. And that he is still with her in her heart and let her know it is OK and normal to be very sad for while when these things happen and that in time it will not hurt so much.
When my mom died I still bought her mothers day cards for probably 5 years and kept them in a box with special stuff. Let her write him or buy him a card. Make a small keepsake box with a picture of him or the two of them it it, and have her add little things to it as needed.
2007-08-29 12:13:04 · answer #3 · answered by Miss Coffee 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think that you have to tell her exactly what you just said here - that you don't know. Make it clear to her that it's unimaginable to you why a parent would harm a child - even a step-child. She needs to understand right now that there was something wrong with the step-dad, and not with the child, and that YOU are not going to harm her under any circumstances.
I would also contact the television station that carried this broadcast and let them know what you had to deal with because they gave you no warning of what they were about to disclose, especially (I presume) since it was during a time when children would be watching.
Edit: I think this is a BAD time to tell her about "stranger danger." That man was NOT a stranger to this boy - he was someone the boy trusted. BAD juxtaposition of two very different situations in a child's mind. Stranger danger can wait for another day.
2007-08-29 12:10:45 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Make sure she takes advantage of the counseling. It is a hard way to learn about bad things happening to good people. The best you can do is to explain that sometimes grown-ups do terrible things but that she is safe with you. Be prepared for the confusion and grieving to last a long time. The more you let her ask questions and talk about her friend the sooner she will be able to work her way through this. Follow her lead in terms of the funeral etc. Tell her exactly what will happen and let her decide what to do.
2007-08-30 14:33:35 · answer #5 · answered by EC Expert 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, this is the time to talk about evil and bad people who harm children. There ought to be lots of information on-line about that, like McGruff the Crime Dog. Also, call the school and see if your daughter can get some one-on-one
Tell her the truth, you don't know how or why this terrible thing happened. None of us can understand how this happens. The poor mother of this boy! She must want to die herself! You'll be in my prayers.
2007-08-29 12:14:59 · answer #6 · answered by Susan M 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She already knows the worst. I would be honest and tell her that sometimes we don't understand why things happen the way they do. Reassure her by saying something like, "aren't we lucky that nothing like that could ever happen in our family." Then, distract her by having her draw a picture and create a card for him and tell him that he was her best friend and she will miss him. It helps to create closure and gives her a chance to say goodbye. Answer her questions as best as you can. Keep the answers short and don't go into great detail.
I would try to keep her life as normal as possible. Let her go to school. You may want to sit in class with her the first day back, especially when the counselor comes in to talk to the class. I know it is devastating to her now, but children are amazingly resilient and it sounds as if you are a good mom to help support her.
2007-08-29 12:19:10 · answer #7 · answered by Beckers 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its a good time to tell her that there are bad people all around. The whole stranger danger thing can come in this too. I was a foster parent for 13 different kids, and my son heard tons of stories about how moms tried to burn their children, starve and abuse their own children. Just tell her the truth, and be very very clear that you and her daddy love her very much, and would never do anything to harm her. Also, it may be a good idea to contact the school counselor and go with your child to see the counselor. You'd want to hear her way of telling your child what happens. Unfortunately, the counselor could be a crack pot too. You should be there for back up. That is a very sad occurance indeed. Its shocking to me, I can just imagine what the friends and family of this little boy is feeling.
2007-08-29 12:10:36 · answer #8 · answered by Mary D 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am SO sorry for your loss! I would first look up the news story on the internet (from the news area where you heard it earlier, like if it was on CNN or something) and see if that has answers for you so you have a better idea of how to explain to your daughter. otherwise i would explain to her that the stepfather was in the wrong and maybe had some mental issues, that he didn't mean to do it....other than that, i would suggest you to give her a notebook to let her write her feelings down in, as that might help with her grief. tell her i send my sympathy and am praying for the poor kid's family and friends....
2007-08-29 12:15:29 · answer #9 · answered by amyhwoods 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
aw poor thing. i have a 6 year old cousin, and although she has never lost someone, i know it's almost impossible to explain things to them. right now, you're doing everything you can. just make sure she knows she has a family and friends that love her very much, and they would never ever harm her. even if she's so-so about going to school, try to convince her to go. there were counselers at school for us when someone in our school comitted suicide, and then they had them when a little boy died in a fire. these counselers are very good people that will get her talking, and trust me, she'll feel a lot better. i think it'll make her feel better to be around the rest of her friends right now. tell her if she really wants to come home though, tell her teacher, and they will call you. best wishes to you and your daughter.
2007-08-29 13:05:18 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
theres no easy way to explain to a child about death, at the age of six its difficult for them to comprehend death and that its so permanent. Tell her the truth but not harshly so, if you believe in god you can say she went to heaven if not just let her know that he is in a better place. It's better to shield her from seeing the news again and to see things about death and all the problems in the world as she is just a child. My deepest sympathy for her and the rest of his family. What a horrible tragedy to have to go through at such an early age. Explain to her about how there are bad people in the world and good people.
Thats all you can really do for her, be very sensitive to her needs especially at this point.
Most importantly l shower her with lots of love and understanding
2007-08-29 12:09:53 · answer #11 · answered by beautiful tragedy 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋