Fiance not wanting typical marriage! HELP!!?

Question

My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half. Known each other for 3. We're best friends, wanting to get married, have children etc. My family is very christian, and very staunch in the ways of there church. The problem is this; my fiance wants to get married very simple, IN THE COURTHOUSE! And have a fancier reception. My parents are already pissed that I'm not getting married in there church, and when I tell my fiance this, he just says that I'm a big girl now and to not worry about my parents and what they want. So I guess my question is this - how do I keep everyone happy? Do I need to put my foot down on certain things and listen to what I want and then plan it that way? BUT my parents would be helping out with the reception financially! That puts a big problem in the situation. I feel like if I don't do it there way, they won't help.

Answer 1

You can't have your (wedding) cake and eat it too: if your parents are footing any part of the bill for your wedding or reception, the golden rule applies: "he who has the gold, makes the rules." So if you want things your own way, no arguments, you pay for the whole shebang yourself.

I think you need to decide what's important enough to you to fight for, and then talk to your fiance about it. Sit down and think it over: what do you really, really want? What would you regret for the rest of your life if you didn't have it? What are things that are "need to have" items and what are "nice to have items"?

More importantly, if there are disagreements, who is most important to you, your future husband or your parents? If you can't please everyone, who do you most want to please? And what will be the true cost of displeasing someone-- some temporary bad feelings or crankiness, or something deeper and more lasting? And are you willing or able to deal with that?

Give it some long and hard thought before you decide, and don't be afraid to postpone the wedding if the problems or disagreements seem all out of proportion with the issues. This is the time to discuss with all parties how you are going to relate to each other in the future. If things aren't looking good now, it's unlikely they will get better if you ignore them.

Answer 2

If you two are engaged, you should be mature adults and planning and paying for your own wedding. So that doesn't mean you leave the parents out - but that you two have the final say, keeping feelings and family traditions in consideration.
I'm not one of these to say 'It's your wedding, do what you want," quite the contrary. However, the two of you as a couple need to be discussing what sort of life you will have together first - before planning the type of wedding you want. Are you yourself religious, following the faith of your family - so would want a church wedding? Are you planning to raise children in a particular religion? Usually, a wedding would take place in the woman's church, but if you aren't a churchgoer, then this shouldn't be for you. It would be a farce otherwise.
So, a test of compromise for you and your fiance -- and there will be many more to come in the marriage. Maybe one option is to have a wedding at your parents' home with a minister. Or in an outdoor setting with a jp.
Good luck. Talk lots.

Answer 3

My question is what do YOU want? We know what your parents want. We know what your fiance wants. What would make YOU happy?

Are you okay with the courthouse wedding or did you have something more fanciful in mind?

You say your fiance is your best friend, but have you two actually talked about what you both want? You are setting a precedent here for every decision and compromise you are going to make for the rest of your lives.

Typically the bride plans the wedding and the reception. The groom takes care of the honeymoon. The bride's parents traditionally help out financially with this. This is TRADITION but it is not carved in stone.

You are not going to keep everyone happy unless your parents and fiance are willing to come to a compromise that will accomplish this, and you are not going to know if they can do it until you set everyone down and discuss the situation.

Bottom line is this: you and your fiance are creating a life together. You both are leaving your parents and cleaving unto one another. This wedding is about YOUR marriage and what you two want it to become. If you can't agree on that, you have some serious issues.

The fact that he dismisses your parents' feelings would be a concern to me. The idea that your parents' can't accept anything but their idea of a wedding is not going to help the situation.

Sit everyone down as soon as possible and tell them that a compromise must be reached if the marriage is to work and family harmony is to be achieved.

Answer 4

#1, you cannot keep "everyone" happy. Have a priority list of whom you want to keep happy the most, and who will have to "get over it". If you're marrying your fiancé, now both of you need to keep each other happy. Both of you need to compromise. You can have a simple wedding ceremony that is not in church, but it doesn't have to be in the courthouse. It could be at a friend's house, at your home, at the park, at the beach, at a place special to both of you - there are many possibilities to explore. If he ONLY wants to get married in the courthouse, and no other way - he's wrong not to consider your feelings on this; if you ONLY want to get married at church, and nowhere else - then you're wrong. Both of you need to budge. It's good that you want to take your parents' views into consideration, but at the end, the decision is up to you and your fiancé. If you try and keep "everyone" happy, you will be bitterly disappointed, as this goal is unattainable. Sit down with your guy and figure out what is non-negotiable, and what can be safely altered to accommodate at least some of the family's wishes. Ultimately, there WILL be things you will need to put your foot down on, there's just no way around it. And you might have to decide what is more important to you: to accommodate your parents more in exchange for their financial support - or to scale down, foot the bill, and do your own thing. Only you and your fiancé can figure out what feels right in your situation. He who holds the money can dictate the rules in most cases, so it is inevitable that someone who is not very understanding (which may or may not be the case with your parents) will use it as a leverage to get things done their way. Be prepared for it, and proceed according to the circumstances, and to your and your fiancé's decision.

Answer 5

I didn't see anywhere in there about what YOU want...

How about a compromise? Be married by a minister or reverend, but don't do it at a church. That is what we did.

My fiance's mom told us that she wouldn't consider it a real marriage if it was by a JOP or a judge, but we wanted a very small, casual ceremony. In the end, we were married by a Reverend, on the front porch of an Olde Tyme Photo Studio, with 28 guests. We'll be having a reception next weekend, and have invited about 200 people, and are expecting at least 100 to show.

Answer 6

the wedding is a symbol of your union and a symbolic split from your parents according to the bible. so, the wedding should reflect what you and your fiance want, not what all of the parents want. however, if they are paying, you and your fiance have a decision to make. have a wedding that someone else wants or have a wedding that you can afford to have on your own terms.

try to compromise with your fiance. have a small ceremony in a nice, landscaped setting (park, large back yard, etc.) and find a pastor/priest/whatever who will marry you there. it will be cheap and make your parents happier than a courthouse union. you should get used to making decisions without your parents now, since that will be your new life. do what you can afford, that way you call the shots.

Answer 7

Talk to your parents and tell them that your fiance is uncomfortable with the church. Instead of marrying at the courthouse have a small ceremony at the reception site. If need be have the priest or minister do the ceremony

Answer 8

My fiance & I aren't religious either. Although my mom hasn't attended church for years she is upset that we are having a secular ceremony. So I understand where you are comming from.

Maybe a good compromise would be to have your mom's minister marry you at a simple outdoor/non-traditional site. Since your fiance wants a courthouse wedding I am assuming he wants only a few people to attend? You can get married in a gazebo in a public park ~ very small, private & simple. Even if it rains, you'll be covered =)

People get nuts about religion ~ I have seen a lot of non-religious couples get married in a particular church or by a particular minister just to please parents/grandparents. Good luck with everything =)

Answer 9

You need to talk to your fiance about a number of things - such as do you hold the same beliefs and to the same extent that your parents do? If yes, then he should be willing to compromise a little and allow you to practice your beliefs - is there a simpler ceremony in your church that can be performed? If you answered no, you don't share the same beliefs and vigor for the faith, then maybe you should look in to his idea or find something else that appeals to you both.

As for your parents - it's going to come down to speaking with them after the two of you have decided what it is you want. If it were me though I wouldn't play the 'bridezilla' card - that's only going to make matters worse by acting like a spoiled brat. Keep it to the point - this is what we have decided, as you can see we are incorporating both of our personalities and beliefs into this important event. We know it may not be what you've always wanted for our wedding, but it is what we want and we hope that you can still share our joy and still be an active role in it.

Good Luck!

Answer 10

Your fiance wants a simple, quiet wedding . . . followed by the fancier reception. Why not compromise?

Have a simple, quiet wedding at your parents' church. Only bride, groom, officiant, bride's parents, and groom's parents. No other guests.

Groom gets his small wedding. Parents get the church part. Follow with the big reception, and everyone is happy. Good luck to you.