Do I call off the wedding??

Question

I'm engaged and living with my fiancee (been together for 6 years - all through my twenties). I love him but I feel I need to date around more that I never had the chance to explore. I don't know if it's cold feet or if I am going to wake up one day wondering what else I missed out on. He is great, no complaints, but I think due to the length of the relationship, that spark is gone and I am looking for excitement. Is this normal cold feet attitude or should I cancel the wedding and move on? He worships the ground I walk on. I am an emotional wreck over this...dont want to end something and then wake up and realize it was just cold feet...any advice??

btw, the wedding date is set (in 10 months), the wedding party chosen, church booked...and I cannot bring myself to buy a wedding dress.

Answer 1

Sigh.
People always think the grass is greener on the other side til they get there and found out... it's no good.
Weigh your options. If you are not in love with him anymore, it may be time to go.
But if you are just having a moment, do not lose your relationship of six years over this.

Answer 2

If you have been with this man 6 years, he "worships the ground you walk on", he's great, no complaints, then why are you looking for excitement? Why do you think you've missed out on something? If you can't make the excitement with him, if you can't bring back that spark, then no, don't marry him. But you don't need to go out of the relationship to find those things. No, that's not a normal cold feet attitude, especially since the wedding is 10 months away. It sounds like what you've got is the seven year itch & you need to decide if you want to devote yourself to making that marriage work or if you should get out & pursue your fun. Realize at your age that things aren't going to be like they were when you were 6 years younger; men don't look for women in a certain age group & you've been around long enough that you've lost that fresh & new look. That's what you have to decide; marry this man who is so good to you or go out there looking for something exciting. The grass is not usually greener once you are on the other side of the fence. I don't recommend screwing around on your fiancee to test the waters, either. That wouldn't be fair to him & once a cheater, the chances are there that you'll repeat. You've got 10 months. Good luck.
I say speak with your fiancee & tell him how you feel. He can't do anything with you to salvage the relationship if you don't tell him what you're going through.

Answer 3

How much do you love him? Enough to not care about his broken heart, his family, your life together. Do you love him like a lover and best friend or like your 2nd cousin twice removed? Would you be equally happy for him, if you did split or take a break, and then he found someone else that he had a spark with? What if he wasn't there to come back to once you did your "wandering"?

If you do this, you will lose him forever and it is not just a temporary thing. Are you willing to take that risk?

What type of spark are you looking for? The first date/first kiss type of spark? The attention and looks you get from other men? A spicier love life?

What will you be missing out on if you stay with him? Bad first dates, bad sex/booty calls, lonely Saturday nights, constant awareness that you have to look good and perfect all the time, game playing, the long road to building another strong relationship?

Even if you went to see if the grass is greener, you would inevitably find yourself in another relationship, again that might lead to comfort after years. How often will you "move on" to find that spark?

Identify your fears directly (that I don't feel attractive to him anymore), rather than generally (someday I might find that I missed out on something). Ask yourself these hard questions and try to figure out what is missing or what you need now?

Use the statement "I feel....when..." to help you identify the fears. (I feel ugly when I think I'm not attractive to other men....I feel scared that when we get married I'll lose my individual identity).

Answer 4

I think you need to talk about this. You have been together for 6 years. That's a long time. Possibly you are just going through a down phase. The "spark" isn't always there in long term relationships. You have times that you are like, "What the Hell is Going on in this relationship?"

It does not mean you should break up. You are just discounted. Sometimes life, work, money and even planning a wedding can make you crazy. Everyday life overwhelms the "lovey dovey" feeling.

Just think about growing up with your parents. Everyday did you wake up and say, "ohh my life is so great. My parents are amazing; they never bother me, I have no complaints. My life is 100% perfect." NO....you didn't say that.

You did say, "OMG, my parents are so annoying. My siblings get on my nerves. I can't stand living in my parents house"

But, it didn't mean you didn't love them. You just didn't make up everyday, thinking that life was soo perfect.

Everyday life blinds us sometimes and we don't walk around thinking about how much we "LOVE" our life and everyone in it.

Could this be the issue? Could you just be going through a stressful time?

I would evalute your life. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

I have lots of single friends. They HATE IT. They say dating and finding a good man is HARD.

Not saying you should settle. But, "dating other people" isn't always what it's cracked up to be.

You too need to talk. Does your church offer pre-marital counseling?

That can be a great way to re-connect. You'll talk and realize that HE is exactly what you want and you two share the same goals.

OR

you'll find out that you have drifted apart and then you can call off the wedding

Answer 5

A good relationship takes work. If the spark is gone then you need to figure out a way to get the romance back.

You need to seriously think about the answer to this question, can you live without your fiance? It sounds like you are taking each other for granted. You need to talk this out, 6 years is a long time and it is worth you working on it. It probably is cold feet, but you should really nip it in the bud now before it gets out of control.

Answer 6

This is a tough decision only you can make. How about praying? have you tried that. I believe God can help you out.

I think your fiancee is a good man and there are few good men out there willing to lay down their lives for a woman. Get rid of the fear, embrace good thoughts and look forward to a great future.

Also Living together before marriage is not always the best thing. Statistics show that couples who live together first and then get married have a higher chance of divorce. Maybe you should move out, have your freedom and enjoy live before your wedding. This will give you a chance to think through stuff. I would rather call off the wedding or post phone it, than live the rest of my life regretting or unhappy. Don't ignore the feelings, either confront them, definitely discuss this with your fiancee and a marriage counselor. And most of all Prayer for wisdom and guidance. The bible says that
"HE (God)is ever a present help in time of trouble"

Answer 7

When you find the one who "worships the ground you walk on" you should know hes the one. The guy Im with wasnt that guy but in the last couple months has really evolved and thats all I need. If that special spark is gone then maybe you should try a suprise...planning a wedding can be stressful maybe on this upcoming weekend plan a surprise picnic with stupid stuff like a cheap kite and some sandwiches. The kite will make him laugh and when you see him smile like that youll know at that moment if hes not the one for you or if you know that you love him today and youll love him forever and that you want to be with him.
Hope that helps!

Answer 8

Oh dear! Don't expect the shine to always be on your relationship. It does take 'polishing' But if you've got that wandering feeling- you will always have that feeling- if you get married, then wander, it is worse on the long run. Perhaps role play may help? Pretending you are being picked up by him in a bar, go to a hotel etc. Buy new clothes so you both look different. Have you got a wedding date? I found this perked up our relationship- after 9 years! Follow your heart though, no matter what people say- you know how you feel and if it is what you want then make a decision.

Answer 9

Not only cold feet - selfish cold feet.

Call off the wedding if you want to - go ahead and hurt someone who loves you and treats you like a queen just to see if the grass is greener on the other side (It isn't). and hurt the one man who has stood by you for the past 6 years whether you deserved it or not. Go ahead. Chances are you'll see what an idiot you were - especially when BF finds a much nicer and more deserving woman than you are.

OR

Get a grip. Rethink your thoughts and see that, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, if you're looking for your heart's desire, look no further than your own back yard.

Answer 10

Where do you see yourself in five years? Ten years? Does your fiancee fit into this image?

Don't count on "excitement" to always be present. I take a stable healthy relationship over the ups and downs of the "exciting" dating scene. Knowing that you share your life with someone that truly cares about you is something that a lot of people would love to have. Daily responsibilities are not always fun...but they are essential to a healthy life. Excitement can easily be created. Try something new together. Try it...see how it goes. Give it your best.

Answer 11

Have you actually discussed your fears with him? Perhaps that's where you should start. How close is the wedding? That's be a good reason for the cold feet. Or, it actually is quite possible, that you have growned (we spend most of 20s growing as a person in many ways) you possibly have grown in a different direction than him. You really need to figure this out before you marry. Start with talking to him.