Is it better to let a child cry itself to sleep, or comfort the child?

Question

My conservative in-laws think kids need to "cry it out." And, I'm not talking about the "Ferber" method. They think a child should cry, and cry even if he/she cries for 2 hours straight.

I'm more inclined to NOT have the children cry. I'm of the belief that it's not good for kids to cry themselves to sleep.

What are you opinions on this subject?

Also, cause I'm trying to find a correlation, what are your political leanings?

Answer 1

I have raised two well-adjusted fine young men.

So from learning about parenting and from my own experience you should comfort the child.

Letting a child cry causes the child to detach from you and their surroundings. If they cry and cry and no one bothers to care, they can grow up with low-self-esteem feeling like what they say and do matters to no one.

True bonding calls for the babies comfort at all times. A baby does not cry for no reason. It is usually one of these:

1. wet diaper
2. hungry
3. tired or sleepy
4. tummy hurts / air bubbles or colic
5. bored
6. feelings of being alone
7. sick or ill
8. too cold or too hot
9. nuzzling (tight wrapping like mothers womb)

If you were a baby and you had one of these problems would you want to be ignored. Put in the crib to cry it out. I don't think so. Therefore you should check each of these and see what the problem is and take care of it. If it is not evident, the child is lonely or needs a mothers or parents nuzzling.
When a child is born they like to be held tight or wrapped up tight as it feels like home (the mothers womb). This can be one of the biggest obstacles at birth and for the first 3 months.

Remember, you are the parent do what you think is best. Many persons my age think crying is best because that is what was taught back in the 50, 60, 70's. But that does not make it right. I did not follow that junk as I knew better and my kids turned out great and well-adjusted. Let your heart lead the way.

Answer 2

This is a great quesiton. Before I had my first baby, I had always thought it best to let my child cry it out. Until I found out that "crying it out" might mean for more than 5 mins. I got really lucky with Joie...our one and only so far (Joey by the way...a little girl....french for Joy), she slept through the night from almost day one. However, Joie recently started crying at nap time. I had already cut one nap out, and being that she is only 1, she still needed a nap. So I decided to do some reading on this crying it out thing. It seems that alot of people say that you should go in after five mins, and soothe the baby, as soon as the baby is soothed, go in and lay him/her down again, and continue to do this every five minutes or so until they fall asleep. I have a friend who did this when the baby was like 3 months old, and it sounded brutal for the parents, but it ended up working out in the end. So I ended up trying it with Joie, and now she takes a long 3 hour nap in the afternoon. As for my political leanings...this house is extremely moderate...which does a great job of pissing of both sets of inlaws...one of each leaning either way. Just remember with parenting....no one will ever be the perfect parents. If we were perfect parents our kids would never grow up and leave....and then we would no longer be perfect parents. So do what is right for you and yours, and follow the old motto....be the best you can be.

Answer 3

I think it really depends on the age of the child and your previous routines with that child. A newborn I was told by my doctor is IMPOSSIBLE to spoil and studies show that a newborn who's cry is addressed quickly cries less later in life (6m+) plus when my son was a newborn I couldn't BARE to hear his little wales for help (he obviously needed something and always stopped when I fixed his problem).

As for an older child, say in my case, my son is now 25 months old. Most children this age HATE when they don't get something they want when they want it, how they want it, etc. And sometimes that becomes a problem for both the parent and the child. At 25 months old, his mind runs endlessly. If he could, he'd NEVER sleep and he doesn't know that that is impossible but me, the parent know different. Routine, whatever works for you is best for a toddler. Crying won't hurt a child. 2 hours straight might strain the child, weakening him to fall asleep, or may even make his stomach a little upset depending on why he is crying (examples: he's scared, he just wants to play some more, or his mommmy just yelled at him because she's fed up, or he's just plain sleepy)

I think the more my son wines and cries before bed, the less restful his sleep is. He tends to toss and sleep-talk more during the night when he had a tough time before bed.

It really depends on YOU though. In-laws will tell you anything and everything and so will some or you're answerers' but it all boils down to how YOU feel. If you don't think it's good to let you're child cry, then do what you want to do to comfort/help him or her fall asleep more peacefully. I am the same, don't like to hear my son cry even when he has been scorned and is simply reacting w/ feelings. It's a mother thing I guess.

I find sometimes with me, when I do have those bad nights with my toddler when he just DOESN'T want to go to bed, I become impatient with him when he is whinning and let him whine a little just to calm my nerves so I don't scream at my little guy because that is one thing I don't like, to go to bed sad myself. Same goes for a child!

Good luck! And don't listen to your in-laws, they raised their kids, you enjoy raising yours :)

Answer 4

I think there needs to be a balance. Rocking them to sleep is not good(a hard habit to break) letting them cry too long is not good. You know there cries if they sound like they could stop and its no big deal let it go a bit longer. If they sound histerical get them, calm them down and try again.(or try soothing without picking them up...pat their tummy or rub their head, give them a binky if they use one. I let my kids cry it out but probably not how most people think when they hear those words. It was in a nice balance. Today I have a 5, 3 1/2 and 2 year old that go to bed without a fuss and don't wake up till the morning. They go to bed so well for me and for anyone else who may be putting them to bed. It is a lot of work but it is all well worth it. Good luck

Answer 5

I would consider myself liberal. I did not let my baby cry for the first 11 months. I co-slept with her and any time she woke up I'd nurse her. Then she started to get very active and actually managed to crawl past the guard rails and fall off the bed. So, for safety's sake, I moved her to the crib. I started very gradually letting her cry for 5 minutes, then 10, then 15, etc. Now I let her cry as long as it takes. But - to be specific - this is like the whining level of crying. If the crying picks up and she really seems upset, then I go to her right away to fix whatever is wrong and then start over. Now that we've done the sleep training, she generally does not cry very much anymore.

Answer 6

politically speaking.... no.
you must feel comfortable with how you handle your children, no matter what your political stance.
i don't think any parent likes to hear their child cry. i know it was (and still is) very painful when my son cries and i don't know why, or i can't give him what he wants. but that is a part of discipline - even at young ages, because after all, children learn by example and repetition. so, that being said, if the 1st time your baby cried when you put him/her down for sleeping and you came running, then from that point on, your baby is going to expect that you come running.
based on your comments under your question, my suggestion to you is to gradually increase the length of time that passes before you go in and check on your child. i personally would never let my child cry for 2 hours straight. but when i was breaking myself in (and my son) my rule was 45 min. 45 min tops - of continuous crying, and something had to be wrong. but i did not start out with 45 min. and as you read some of the other answers, take notes - our children do need to know that we are at their sides, that we are here for them when they are scared, lonely, etc. but at some point, they will need to learn independence.
start gradually. that's my suggestion.

God Bless.

Answer 7

Every time I've cried myself to sleep, it was because I was in extreme emotional anguish. I mean really, crying keeps a person AWAKE. The only way you can cry yourself to sleep is to be utterly, utterly exhausted from the energy it takes to cry.

Personally, I don't think that's healthy for anybody, and especially not for a baby or small child.

I think it's best to set up a routine in which the child feels very safe and very loved as they go to sleep. Whatever that routine is for you. In our house, it's snack, jammies, brushing teeth, prayers, (rides on Daddy's shoulders for the littlest ones), one story, hugs and kisses and main light out. I leave a dim light on in the room because my kids all have this THING about the dark right now, which I attribute to some bad thunderstorms that have happened at night lately.

As for my political leanings, I find it impossible to be categorized. I seem to be conservative here, liberal there.

Answer 8

Something very important to remember...All parents are different and raise their children differently. My mom does the same thing but i comfort my daughter and then lie her down in her play pin. For me, letting her cry becomes more stressful then it is too hold her for 10-20 minutes to comfort her. Thats my personal opinion. On some occasions its okay to let them cry like if your doing something and they want to be held because their just spoiled as opposed to their just tired and need some comforting. It all depends on the situation ; thats what I have learned with having my daughter. NOw if your running everytime they whine that can be a little too much and can spoil the child to think their supposed to be held all the time and believe it or not, they know how to have their way! I had to break my daughter out of it because she expected me to run everytime she wanted to get out of her crib . I gave her toys and lots of things that made loud noises to keep her occupied or even jsut played soft music..it gives them something to do you know? Or i even talked to her and showed her how to play (odd as it may sound)Just my opinion!!! Good luck

Answer 9

I'm liberal but, that aside, i really don't see a reason to let a child cry for 2 hours straight. Some children need to feel the warmth of the parent as they fall asleep. This does not necessarily mean that you must hold them in your arms but a simple patting on their back is sometimes sufficient for them to be comforted. I have 2 children 8 and 6, very independent but sometimes, they'll ask me to sit on their bed so they can fall alseep, they're not asking for much and its always good to know that they still need that level of security.

Answer 10

I think there is a definite limit to the let a child cry him self to sleep. It's a good thing to let them learn that it's okay to sooth yourself to sleep so that they are not always dependent on mom or dad but the tone in your child's voice should let you know when enough is enough.
Whining is okay i believe. My daughter who is 4.5 months, whines herself to sleep at times, others she goes right to sleep but there are times when she will literally scream so of course i go to her.
Personally it's your child so do what you feel is the right thing.